Constant, petty bickering between sisters..at a loss - dh constantly furious with them.

[IHeartEnid]

I'm a bit of a softy parent really, one of those annoying 'come here and have a cuddle lets all talk about our problems' types. But when the dds (6 and 3) are bickering constantly, I tend to lose any vestiges of patience.

Do you punish? HOW do you punish if you don't know who is 'right'? Things like: "dd2 stop copying me" "dd1, dont push me with your foot" "MUMMEE, dd2 kicked me" "MUMMEE dd1 won't share her toys"

they seem to veer wildly between hating each other nd lovng each other - gorgeous dds on their own but together they are a nightmare. Dh has totally lost his patience and just bellows at them.

I am willing to believe behaviour is worse since arrival of dd3 9 weeks ago but would like some advice/support in dealing with it...

Last night I tried to read them a story in my bed while feeding dd3, dd2 started burrowing under the covers and dd1 kept pushing her with her foot, in the end I stopped reading adn sent them both to bed then felt wretched. I think I am just a walkover as a parent

Oooh, I agree with Chandra too - golden rule, "I'm not interested, go and sort it out yourselves" - trouble is you have to be feeling calm and strong and sorted to do that at all, let alone all the time, and with a new baby calm and strong and sorted is not what you are!

It's just a stage, Enid - honest - it will come and go as they get older but in between you will get lovely phases of co-operation and niceness. Mine still bicker occasionally in a fairly mindless way and sometimes I still forget the golden rule and try to sort them out, it never works, they both always think it's the other's fault .

(It's all about attention so sending them away when they played up last night was the right thing to do )

yes I am sure it is attention seeking

was briefly dreading the summer holidays but trying to look at it positively I think things will improve - they will be less tired, and there should be less resentment on the part of dd1 who suddenly really minds that dd2 has days off nursery at home with me - of course it is with me now, not the childminder so I expect dd1 does resent that.

they all get very tired towards the end of the summer term

I think being tired is a huge part of it. That whining can get to you loads more.

Marina having an older, fairly reasonable boy and a much less reasonable younger girl your post has filled me with dread about her future antics. She was 2 in May and has been telling tales for months. "DB arm". That kind of thing. Actually atm the worst thing is "my mummy", "my mummy" to DS. He then starts saying it as well and it drives me to distraction. And I am saying "DD's Mummy, DS's Mummy, share Mummy". "Share" is now a big word in DD's vocab, but it is usually used to imply that somebody else should be sharing with her!

So that little rant, Enid, proves that it is all fairly normal but extremely irritating stuff.

Bozza we have "my mummy. MY mummy" and "I'd like to "share" your dinner" too. These weasely girls! Ds' habitual expression includes eyes rolled into back of head these days

Oh yes siree - let them sort it out themsleves or think about that old bra ad - 'Lift and separate'. Mine are a bit too big for the lifting and plonking in their own rooms but splitting them up and just getting the bickering noise to STOP is my priority.

Enid my dds are (nearly) 11, 7 and 2.9 and each has always had their own 15 mins/half hour for stories at bedtime. It can help soothe the atmosphere (no kicking/messing about during my RSC renditions of Narnia thank you very much )and I see it as a kind of reconciliation time where whatever has happened during the day, no matter how much i've shrieked at them or nagged them to pick up their shoes/give the scooter back to dd3/don't wind each other up etc ad nauseum, they have a little space of their own at the end of the day.

It can only get worse as dd1 hits hormonal age and dd3 is left to bring up the rear as the 'irritating little sister'. DD2 will swing between the two I think...

oh and lets not forget, on watching the Powerpuff girls, 'I am Blossom, you are bubbles' 'noooooooo i want to be blossom!' 'mummy, I want to be blossom and dd2 is being her!' 'Thats not fair I am blossom not you!'

repeat ad nauseam

emmylou I was thinking last night that individual stories might be easier all round

trouble is then dh and I would take it in turns, he would do one while I do the other and then they fight over who is going to have me and dh gets offended and doesnt want to read.......sigh

That's easy to sort out - tonight you read both, one after the other. Tomorrow, it's DH's turn...

back of the net flashy

does dd1 go to bed the same time as dd2? we have just recently let dd (nearly 6) go to bed slightly later than ds and this seems to have calmed all sorts of bickering (as she now feels more grown up and I remind her of this!)

Why thank you

Yeah good one foxinsocks, we do that too.

no they go at same time

trouble is, dd1 needs much more sleep than dd2

maybe she can stay up and watch zathura on dvd on friday night and dd2 go to bed

We do seperate bedtime reading for our two because with the age gap it is better for them I think. And we alternate so have had the DD wanting me all the time phase but got through that (I think). If DH is away I do DD and then DS.

But last night before bath I was trying to read to DS his mammoth long library book and we were laid on his bed. Not good enough for DD who instead of playing with DH decided to come and because I was snuggled up with DS and she had to get closer so she actually sat on my head. With an only just potty trained toddler this is not good. So I took them onto my bed (while DH sloped off muttering something about loading the dishwasher) and had one on each side and tried to read DS's tale about Merlin but DD was constantly thrusting Peace at Last in my face and then decided to do a poo (fortunately in the potty) so it was all a bit fraught.

yes that's a good idea - dd too needs more sleep than ds but it is really the principle that because she is older, she gets a few extra priviledges (allbeit teeny tiny ones like getting to go to bed half an hour later )

we both commented recently how pleasant dd is in the half an hour - it's like she morphs into a totally different child because she has us on her own

Try it enid, we're only talking 15 mins difference here. Just enough to get a story read IYKWIM.

As per Flashy - couldn't you alternate nights? He does story for dd12, then dd1 while you and dd3 lie on sofa with a G&T - sorry, organic guiness if b/f of course . The next night, you could read to dd2 then dd1 while dh empties white appliances and fills them again, cooks supper etc etc.

Having slightly staggered bedtimes does help the oledr child feel older (and hopefully act accordingly?....maybe in a paralell universe)

Or half an hour even . Agree though FIS, it's much less wearing when they're not having to compete.

or even privilege

Ooops - didn't mean to scare you into thinking you had 12 dds all of a sudden

The DDs (nearly 4 and 5.5) get on really well....at the moment. But we are very aware it's a phase and like all phases, it too will pass!

When they do fall out we are with Soapbox - without rigging out the entire house with webcams, it's impossible to work out who the perpetrator is and so justice cannot be dispensed. If either DD comes to us to complain about the other one's behaviour they get the standard line 'If she did that, that was naughty. Have a kiss. Now off you go.' That's it. No more intervention than that.

If we actually see one DD kicking, hitting or snatching from the other, then we intervene. As DH observes, it is teaching them a valuable life lesson - if you're going to do something bad don't get caught - but I can't think of any better alternative.

yes I agree flashing nose (feel I should say that as you agreed so nicely with me )

I am a mum of one so feel free to kick me off the thread! but I have worked with kids for years and had a sibling only just over a year older than me.....Enid I think your response of stopping reading and sending them off to bed was spot on actually, I think it is majorly to do with attention. Squabbling and all that is pretty much guaranteed to get full on parental attention.

I totally agree with soapbox, the thing to do is ignore it (or a christopher green says, pretending to ignore will suffice). My mum was a real master of this, hats off to her - she managed to get me and my brother really close in the end, people used to ask if we were twins as we had such a bond. I'm sure this took years of steadfast ignoring, coupled with heaps of praise and attention when we were not squabbling or even doing something nice for eachother!

I always felt sorry for other kids who fought with their siblings as I felt me and bro had something special and looked out for eachother....keep going with it enid, it is certainly worth it.

Aaah, a lovely cosy agreeing thread

This sounds like my house (my children are 6 and 3 too). DS has new sophisticated ways of winding dd up, she either erupts with rage or ends up whinging for England. She's a prima donna and cries at the drop of a hat - I have quite often rushed upstairs thinking ds had thrown her off the top bunk to find that he was in fact 'sitting on my fairy outfit' or some other minor faux pas.

Stories have been flashpoint in our house lately too (and Daddy is also not the reading fave). So I've started a new system. We do stories in my bed, I read dds while ds reads to himself next to me or plays in his room. Then we read DS's (dd alwsy likes to listen). Then I put dd to bed while ds has some quiet reading time in the bed on his own. When I have put dd to bed (and given her 10 mins of special mummy time) I come back and lie next to him while he's reading so he can check any words with me. So he has some special grown up boy time too.

It's working really well. For the rest I do a range of things:

• try and let them sort things out between them. When they are arguing over something I do say 'I know you two can sort this out, come back in five minutes and tell me what you've agreed'.
• seperate them, especially for low level bickering. They inevitably drift back together and get on
• distract them with something to do - ds especially likes to wind up dd when he's bored
• I do quite a lot of quiet talks with ds along the lines of 'if I said that to you (ie what he has just whispered menacingly to dd) how would you feel?' which is gradually working I think.