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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Constant, petty bickering between sisters..at a loss - dh constantly furious with them.

84 replies

IHeartEnid · 28/06/2006 09:26

I'm a bit of a softy parent really, one of those annoying 'come here and have a cuddle lets all talk about our problems' types. But when the dds (6 and 3) are bickering constantly, I tend to lose any vestiges of patience.

Do you punish? HOW do you punish if you don't know who is 'right'? Things like: "dd2 stop copying me" "dd1, dont push me with your foot" "MUMMEE, dd2 kicked me" "MUMMEE dd1 won't share her toys"

they seem to veer wildly between hating each other nd lovng each other - gorgeous dds on their own but together they are a nightmare. Dh has totally lost his patience and just bellows at them.

I am willing to believe behaviour is worse since arrival of dd3 9 weeks ago but would like some advice/support in dealing with it...

Last night I tried to read them a story in my bed while feeding dd3, dd2 started burrowing under the covers and dd1 kept pushing her with her foot, in the end I stopped reading adn sent them both to bed then felt wretched. I think I am just a walkover as a parent

OP posts:

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Bozza · 28/06/2006 09:33

Perfectly reasonable response IMO. The only thing you can really do is split them up if you don't know who is wrong. I am just starting to get to this stage with my two (5.4 and 2.1) where I don't necessarily know who is 'right'. So I can hear echos of my Mum (who had 3 girls in 3 1/2 years and so had load of this to put up with) when I am breaking up squabbles.

Having said that I would try and give them some leeway owing to the changes brought about by the arrival of DD3. The only other thing is when you see things are going this way, to try and intervene before it gets to that stage. So DD2 starts messing about under the covers, send her to get you a tissue or a bib or something.

Bozza · 28/06/2006 09:33

Bozza · 28/06/2006 09:34

Oops

Original poster

IHeartEnid · 28/06/2006 09:35

thanks bozza

now they can have one each

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MeAndMyBoy · 28/06/2006 09:38

I do feel for you cause I see my nieces doing it and it winds me up!!!

I think you did the right thing with stopping the story even though you felt horrid after, I would have done the same. Try again tonight and see if they sit more quietly and listen, when they start playing up stop story and bed again, maybe warn them before hand that that is what will happen?

I'd do the same with the not sharing toys, if they can't sort it out between them then the toys get put away and they both loose out.

I would ignore the Mummee DD2 kicked me - but when they are constantly on at each other then set them seperate tasks in different parts of the room or different rooms so they get a break from each other and you get 5 minutes peace. Maybe set up a couple of boxes of things that only get used for this? was thinking of drawing/chalk/crayons, jigsaws, type things.

Could you try and give them both tasks to do to help with DD3 which will keep them busy together but doing seperate things? one get nappies the other a change of clothes?

Hope some of these suggestions help, and good luck. Don't think you are walk over - you're looking after 3 kids and 1 a tiny demanding baby!! hats off from here.

Pamina3 · 28/06/2006 09:39

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

marthamoo · 28/06/2006 09:40

Oh, no advice - but bags of sympathy. Ds1 (9) and ds2 (4.5) are exactly the same and it grinds you down, doesn't it? Like yours - individually they are fine, put them together in a room and all hell breaks loose. Literally, I can be in the room with them - they are fine, I walk out to the kitchen to unload the washing machine, come back to wailing and screaming and "he started it..." "I didn't do anything". Ds1 has said to me on many occasions "why did you have to have him? It was better before he came" It was more peaceful, I'll give him that...

I read Siblings Without Rivalry (don't bother) and I know the theory is praise the good, ignore the bad as much as possible - so I do try to do that, not just think "Thank the Lord, they're quiet" but say "oh it's so lovely to see you playing nicely together - that makes me so happy" (feel like a dick but I say it anyway ) but most days I veer wildly between reasoning, cajoling and shrieking like a harridan ("Right, well one of you will have to come with me when I go to the toilet seeing as you can't be left alone for two minutes without fighting.")

It's so hard. I don't know what the answer is. I wish they got on better. Actually, I think it's Karma - my brother and I fought like cat and dog and I can remember my Mum practically weeping, begging us to try and get on.

Oh and I tried beety's marbles - they get a blue glass bead when they have a day without too much squabbling/play nicely together. Twenty beads and they get a present. Ds2 wants a Care Bear (bless) - it's taken about 6 months to get to 19 beads...(I should have said five)

FioFio · 28/06/2006 09:41

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charliecat · 28/06/2006 09:42

I find myself saying If you cant find anything nice to say dont say anything at all.
And Are you two enjoying yourselves arguing over that? Doesnt sound like it...come on...you dont want to be wasting your time arguing when you could be playing nicely.

Five mins sitting looking at each other on either end of the soaf works wonders if they REALLY wont stop. The threat of having to do it again stops the bickering just like that.

charliecat · 28/06/2006 09:44

On another thread someone mentioned a bag of sweets and 1 removed for things you dont like. How would a 50p bag of penny sweets to be eaten in bed on a saturdy morning appeal to them? The less they bicker the more sweets are left in the bag at the end of the week

Chandra · 28/06/2006 09:44

We were 3 sisters. If my mother couldn't point which one was the culprit she just sent us all to have some time on our own/stoped what we were doing/removed the toy we were quarreling for/ etc.
If you were the guilty party you got two punishemnts, the one mum applied and being quietly pestered by your sisters. Bonus point was that we left our mother alone and sorted our own diferences at the risk of being punished as well.

Original poster

IHeartEnid · 28/06/2006 09:46

thanks guys all really good advice

Pamina that touched a chord - the 'everyone getting blamed' it seems so crap and I really hate it

dd1 will wind dd2 up SO much - eg showing her a princess necklace of hers that she KNOWS dd2 will love and then saying she can't have it - HORRIBLE

but then dd2 steals dd1s stuff and hides it in her room

arrrrrrrrrrrrrgh

OP posts:

Original poster

IHeartEnid · 28/06/2006 09:47

charliecat that would work IMMEDIATELY for dd1 who is a sweet fiend but unfortunatley dd2 is totally uninterested in sweets and they never work as bribe

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charliecat · 28/06/2006 09:48

wot about 50 stickers then? Pound shop jobbys of course

FioFio · 28/06/2006 09:48

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flashingnose · 28/06/2006 09:49

Completely agree with Chandra (I'm one of 4 girls) - your ideal scenario is that they don't bother coming to you and sort out disputes between themselves. I'm afraid it's unrealistic to think they won't bicker

Original poster

IHeartEnid · 28/06/2006 09:50

fio a mum after my own heart (my fave sweets)

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Marina · 28/06/2006 09:52

And it's not just same-sex siblings either.
We do at least know that a lot of ours is one-sided, because dd at nearly 3 is an accomplished, convincing and frequent liar. "DB hit me. DB took my baby's dummy". She will even shamelessly pin the blame on him for toddler antics that we know she is responsible for.
But I cannot abide the needling and the jostling under the duvet either, nor the provocative stealing of treasures from his room.
And yes we bark, we lecture, we withhold treats and we attempt time out. And quite often we get walked over by dd. Ds has an innate sense of justice which means that if we do blame her unfairly, he tends to own up.
I think the worst of it is that all these little people clearly love each other So why do they do it?

Pamina3 · 28/06/2006 09:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

soapbox · 28/06/2006 09:53

Enid, don't wear yourself out with it all! Just learn to ignore it

I have spent months trying to mediate, behaviour modify etc etc etc my two DCs behaviour towards each other. All to no avail. So a change of tactics had to come before my sanity went!

I thought a lot about other species and this type of behaviour and have come to the conclusion that it is entirely normal and just a part of being children. I was certainly like it with my sisters and I know most of my friends were too.

I now refuse to get involved at all with any disputes, horseplay, rough and tumble - anything - that happens between them. If one of them gets hurt, upset or whatever because of something the other has done, I don't listen - not even for a second. They are bluntly told that by engaging in this constant bickering and fighting they are accepting of the consequences so don't bother telling me when it all goes wrong!

It hasn't improved their behaviour at all, but it has improved mine and DH's! With time I have to confess to barely noticing it these days!!!

FioFio · 28/06/2006 09:54

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Original poster

IHeartEnid · 28/06/2006 09:54

dd1 always seems worse somehow as she is perfecting the 'you arent my friend anymore' whisper to poor old dd2

but on the other hand dd2 is so charming she gets away with murder, theft and deception, especially with dh

OP posts:

Marina · 28/06/2006 09:55

Now that's a nice one soapbox. I was mediated into the ground by my ferocious mother and to be honest, my relationship with my sister in childhood was really fraught because of it. We get on so well now but that is in spite of our shared history and not because of it

Original poster

IHeartEnid · 28/06/2006 09:56

soapy you are right

god it helps to know that this is normal

I should know that as I was vile to my own sister (at the same time as loving her desperately and protecting her against scary parents)

I am very tired atm so this isnt helping

OP posts:

foxinsocks · 28/06/2006 09:59

aww enid

I often think these situations offend our sense of justice in that it is logical to think one started it and the other retaliated. I'm afraid that even a European Court of Law could probably not decide who was the aggressor so I always think it is best to separate them. I normally end up screeching, 'if you can't play nicely then one of you go in here and one go to play in your room' or if I'm feeling generous, I'll create some tasks that need doing and ask dd to do one of them and ds to do the other.

I too hate the bedtime story mucking about - I've done what you did (it does feel awful!) but have found now that a little chat after the bath about how we are going to sit nicely and snuggle up to mummy and have a story works quite well.

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