DH wants 2.8 DC to have a bedtime routine

[DuelingFanjo]

I still breastfeed.
We co-sleep.
He no longer naps in the day.

DS feeds to sleep still. My husband as decided we need a routine. Some nights DS will have fallen asleep in the car on the way home from nursery, other nights he will fall asleep while feeing around seven to eight pm. Other nights he will be up gone nine pm.

I think my husband means we should do rapid return or something. There's no chance of DS Avignon his own room at the moment.

Occasionally I do get frustrated by the very late nights but mostly we go with the flow.

What would you do? How woud you achieve 'a routine'?

I think a bedtime routine is important too. I can see why you're a bit annoyed at why it's all down to you though. I think that it's best to start now so your ds can get used to it before starting preschool etc. But it would be helpful if you and dh took it in turns (as much as you can!) so that your son can be settled by boyh of you. It's bot just about conforming but about setting good sleep habits for years to come.

Cross posted.

At least ten hours sleep, more if he falls asleep on the way home.
I get home around six thirty.

It's not about "forcing". You sound hostile about this. What happens at the minute when you put him down for the night - does he fall asleep easily?

What's rapid return?

You say your DS doesn't have his own room but does he have his own bed?

I agree I've never 'forced' although I am firm about 'this is bedtime'.

You don't force them. You do a sort of pattern of events, one of which is going to sleep in their bed.

Ours is
Dinner
Bath
Tv
Milk
Story
Bed

I no more have to force them to go to sleep than I do any other part of it.

I BF'd until DS was 15 months and he had a bedtime routine from about 8 months - if you can be bothered looking them up there are all sorts of studies that demonstrate toddlers with routine bedtimes are healthier and learn better than those without. It doesn't matter when the bedtime is (though toddlers need a lot of sleep) and it doesn't matter what the routine is, but bedtime needs to be the same time every day and it needs to follow the same pattern.

Yes, your nearly 3-year-old needs a routine.

So you collect him in the car, home for 6.30, then dinner?

We didnt bother with bedtime routines until DCs started school then found that the routine for each child started naturally.

Until then DCs stayed up until we recognised the signs of tiredness then they would be cuddled to sleep then taken to bed.

They are all teens now with no sleep problems.

I dont think that a child needs a routine simply because he/she has reached a particular age.

Some children thrive on a fixed routine others dont.

10 hours in total seems quite little for a 2 year old to me, especially if he's busy at nursery all day.

Why does having a bedtime mean no feeding to sleep? You can still do dinner, bath, story, feed to sleep at 7.30pm.

(And we still cosleep - DS goes to bed in his own bed, then comes into ours when he wakes again at about midnight.)

we have had a routine since DD turned 1 and stopped bfing. We still follow this at nearly 4.

Bath
milk in bedroom
teeth
stories
into cot or, these days, bed
lights out

this next bit is fluid, but right now we stay with her, chat a bit about her day and then go and lie on the sofa in her room while she settles. Sometimes she's asleep by the time we leave, other times not. Nursery days, when DH and I both work, can be trickier as she seems less inclined to go to sleep. We do have to be firm, if she arses about too much a toy gets taken away. Sometimes having a wee wail helps her to settle, oddly, I think she then realises how tired she is.

It can be hard work sometimes, but often it's a piece of piss. I like having my evenings, would go nuts without.

We co sleep but he has a bed.
Maybe it is time. Started putting him in it. He doesn't have his own room because DH has been sleeping in the spare room for months because of his snoring, hence me getting to deal with all the night time wakings.

DS gets ten plus hours sleep a night, DH gets eight, I am lucky if I get three hours in a row.

Maybe that's why I sound hostile.

How do you get it so your child just goes to sleep?

My understanding of rapid return is that thing on super nanny where a parent just picks up their child who is shouting to come downstairs and plonks them back in bed 100 times until they stop protesting.

What does your dh actually mean by a routine? We have a routine, it is DD bouncing round disrupting everyone all evening then feeding to sleep around 10pm. Happens everyday so it's a routine, right?

He wants ds to go to bed earlier? He wants ds to go to bed at a set time (sounds impractical in your situation)? A routine could be as simple as when it's bedtime you do bath then teeth then feed then story then bed (or whatever order you do it). That aspect of doing everything in the same order we do find helpful, even when our bedtimes vary hugely depending on who's napped when.

Perhaps you could set out your routine with variables for him - if DS has slept on the way home, bathtime at 8pm etc, if DS hasn't slept, bathtime at 7pm. Not necessarily to change things but to explain to your DH so he understands what's going on. It sounds like you're doing all the work and he may not be understanding why DS sometimes goes to bed earlier than other days?

I think you need to sit down with him and discuss what he actually means, and what he's going to do to achieve it?

Re feeding to sleep. What happens here is bath(DH does that most nights) bedroom with me, stories and breastfeeding with me. However he can feed and feed and feed and ask for more stories and then he might get off the bed and stand at the top of the stairs and shout for daddy.

What is it you want to do though Duelling? Instigate a routine/set bedtime, or stop feeding to sleep/get him to self settle/stop co-sleeping?

You really don't have to do rapid return if you don't want to! If you want to feed your child to sleep, do so. Just do it at the end of a routine at a regular time.

While I can see that your routine suits you, which is great, I'd say the bit that I agree with your DH is "he shouldn't stay up till he's knackered." I can feel that being a rod for your back in the future and I think he might thank youfor helping him to establish healthy sleep habits

I'd agree with your DH. He must be very tired on the nights he says up til 9, and he won't know what's coming every day. I think you have to work your routine around DCs when they are little. DD wasn't a strict routine baby the rest of the day, but has been going to bed at 7 since she was 6 weeks (now 19mo).

To be honest, a fixed bedtime is good for parents too because then you have your evening free. I work full time and I can't imagine life without this adult time every day.

I'm not sure about the logistics of it because I haven't done co sleeping, so maybe gradual changes - stroking his face or holding his hand until he goes to sleep.

You might find if he has a set bedtime and routine and is tired at the same time every day, all the messing around at bedtime stops. DS is asleep within minutes as he is properly tired by bedtime.

Do you honestly think he is tired when he goes to bed?