How much do you get out-and-about with your 8mo? HV has made me feel like I am getting it all wrong :(

[BotBotticelli]

DS1 has always been a spirited/challenging baby. Things are a bit easier now than when he was a newborn (colicky screaming for 3 months, early teething straight afterwards) but I still find him incredibly hard work.

But we still have lots of frustrated screaming as he painfully drags progresses himself towards each new developmental milestone. He was a nightmare in the few weeks leading up to being able to sit up, and now i am having the same thing again as he really wants to crawl but can't quite do it.

He also seems to get very bored, very quickly in our house we live in a small flat where the living space is all one room (lounge/diner/kitchen). And he doesn't really seem able to 'play' with a toy for longer than about 4-5 minutes yet without getting bored and crying again.

So I make a habit of getting out the house at least twice a day, once in the morning (to a babygroup or to see a friend for example), and once in the afternoon (to the shops, or swings, or to visit relatives). I usually make sure I am at home for lunch cos he has a nice long nap afterwards (90 mins) where I get to sit down and chill out which is much needed!

Anyway, I mentioned this in a more general moan to the HV about how difficult I was finding it to entertain DS, and she made me feel like I am making a rod for my own back by pandering to his need for stimulation by taking him out all the time :( She was concerned that i wasn't getting housework done etc cos he is so demanding (me and DH share the chores at the weekend and during the week the flat just gets untidy). She seemed to think I would be better off giving him some toys to play with whilst I cracked on with things, and that I needed to make DS fit more into our family life, rather than planning our days around him, iyswim?

But he doesn't seem to want to really play with toys yet. He can;t even hit a saucepan with a spoon :( Just eats the spoon! is teething as well which doesn't help things.

Anyway, sorry for the rant. I guess my question is aimed at mums of similarly spirited/stimulation-hungry babies: am I doing the wrong thing by following my gut and getting out the house loads with him? Will this ever get easier?? once he can crawl, will he be happier to spend a morning crawling around the flat???

ps - just re-read my message and realise it looks like I don't want to just play with DS in the house. It's not that - I do play with him loads, for example in the 2.5 hours between when he wakes up at 6am and his first nap, and after dinner before bath and bed....but the idea of spending a whole afternoon stuck in the flat with the same few toys terrifies me! which is why baby groups are so good cos he can play with other toys for a while. And he loves singing/music. Goes mad for the singing group at the library (we go twice a week!).

You're doing fine - raising a well socialised bright little person - and building up a social network for you both.

PS - I feel bad about being the opposite. Dd2 is treated like luggage - plonked in the corner while I run ragged with chores & older DC. I never seem to go places just for her.

I think you and he sound perfectly normal and it is none of the HVs business :-) Unless you are living in absolute squalor, which it doesn't sound like at all, its none of her danmed business how often you and your DH clean...

Take no notice. You do what you feel is right and it sounds like he will grow up to be a very sociable little chap. My DS was the same: spirited and full of beans and he needed to get out, see the world around him and get fresh air. Whilst he has calmed down a lot now (nearly 2), he still prefers to be outdoors running around and so we take him for a walk every night (sounds like we are talking about a dog I know), but he loves it, talks about everything he can see and the best thing about it is that when he comes back he is tired out and ready for a good night's sleep. I doubt that would be the case if I just had him sat there whilst I polished the cutlery .

I went out every day with DS, but I also didn't play with him all the time in the house.

I think it is really important to let babies just be and entertain themselves - other wise you will find yourself in a situation with a 2, 3,4+ year old that can't play for 5 minutes without needing you to get involved! I have worked in childcare for a long time and see this a lot with 1st borns.

I wouldn't force yourself to stay in for a whole afternoon with a miserable baby, but it is fine to sit down for a cup of tea or prepare dinner/do some hoovering and ignore for a bit.

Is there a particular reason you're even still seeing your hv? Ds is 14 months and I haven't seen ours since he was 6 weeks old for the check!

Trust your own parenting. Sounds like you're going fine!

I always do everything focused around ds and I was the same with dd now aged 10 years. She's turned out fine!!

I can't stay in or getmuch housework done either. It does pass !

Babies are hard work and it sounds as if you're doing a great job! I liked to get out of the house when my first dc was small, as much for my own sanity as anything else. You seem to have a routine that works for you, and that's great. Housework isn't my priority - I'd far rather have a nice time with my dc than have a perfect house. FWIW, my first dc wasn't happy to play alone until she was walking, when she suddenly became a much happier baby! Older dc are much easier to entertain, anyway. Honestly, if you're happy, then I don't know what the HV's problem is.

Oh thank goodness you started this thread!

You could be me.

I also live in a flat, one entertaining space, and feel like I'm in a prison at times.

DD is 9 months and also at that frustrating stage where she is trying to crawl, but can't quite do it. So lots of crying and just general neediness.

Impressed you are getting out so much. I struggle to get out once a day (mainly due to the flat being top floor no lift!) and having no money to do anything, but the one walk does calm her down and me.

Great to hear that it's ok to actually have a cup of coffee whilst they're awake and ignore for a bit!

Sounds fine and normal to me. I spend as much time as possible out. It's my housekeeping strategy - if we aren't there then the house isn't being made a mess!

I have a demanding 18m old who never sleeps and the only way I can stay sane is by getting out of the house and seeing other mums. I find there are still plenty of hours for play between 5am and 9am and again after tea!

I could have written this post! I live in a flat too & find the four walls closing in if I don't get out & about. I dread the days when I have nothing planned & I'm at home all day with my DS trying to keep him entertained! We try & go see friends in the morning & go for a walk in the afternoon. I also feel the same way about entertaining my DS. I feel like if he's awake & I'm not interacting & playing with him then somehow this makes me a bad mum!

My son was just like that and we had to get out too every day. If I left him with toys he would ignore them and cry/scream. He still hates me doing housework (he is now 5!). As I saw it, I was not at home to do housework but to care for my child as well as I could and if that mean no housework so be it.

I think you really need to get out when they're that age to stop yourself going mad. It sounds like a really good routine to me.

I agree with maja though that leaving him to entertain himself for a bit/not constantly interacting with him is fine and will make things easier longterm.

Does he have a treasure basket like this ? You could try putting jelly/porridge/cooked pasta on his highchair tray and let him explore or even in a paddling pool so he can really get in there and make a mess. You can put things in there to find or a picture at the bottom he can see as he digs. I find stuff like that always holds their interest longer than toys do!

You are doing fine.Ignore the HV as she doesn't seem to know what she''s talking about.

Your day sounds great. HV is just being picky IMO.

Re toys current dcharge loved chewing and twisting on silicone bakeware like muffin sheet etc.

Boys need to be fed well and walked taken out for fresh air and exercise twice a day.
Sounds like your getting into a good system, and if it keeps you both happy, its the right thing for your family.

FWIW, I have a 2yr , 4 yr DS's. Today we have been swimming, and then this afternoon DS1 cycled (DS2 in pushchair) to the library. Between the two, they ran around the garden, and painted the patio between the two activities.

HVs always seem to make you feel bad about something, IME! Sounds like you are doing an excellent job to me. For what it's worth, my DS1 was just like that, and needed a lot of stimulation from me in the first year or so. He grew happier and more settled with each developmental milestone, as he was able to do more and more for himself. He is now a very independent and confident 2.5 year old who will happily play by himself for ages - in no way did I make a 'rod for my own back' by not leaving him bored and grumpy when he was tiny! (NB I still get bugger all housework done tho.)

The hv is not being picky. You moaned about how hard you moaned about how hard you are finding things, she offered you practical suggestions on how to make life easier for yourself. She also gave you permission to relax and not.be so full on.

You dont have to do what she suggests. What you do sound as though you need to do is work out what you are happy with doing.

Fwiw I would be exhausted with your routine but then I would also struggle with staying in and feeling cooped up, so its working out what you both want to do and trusting yourself. Theres also lots of nice articles around these days justifying a bit of benign parenting so its always comforting to read them with a cup of coffee whilst leaving him to chew on a spoon. When the little love works out how to bang a pan you'll be wishing he was spoon chewing.:-D

When DD1 was a similar age we went out every day to different activities and she needed constant attention or she cried. You can hardly ask a baby to go read a book quietly after all.

Now at 4.5 she's happily off entertaining herself while I MN plan dinner so no rod was made. My advice is to listen to all the advice and try those bits that make sense to your parenting approach. If they don't work try the next thing that sounds like sense and ignore all the rest.*

*disclaimer: This is advice that you are free to ignore as per the advice.

You are not alone.
You are dong a great job.

At that age, the high chair was still a bit of a novelty for DS, so if I had housework that I really just had to door (mop minging floor, for example), then I'd bung him in it with a new toy, or some silicone muffin cases (as suggested up-thread). Once I was determind to do some sewing, so in he went with a couple of bits of different coloured ric-rac and was happy for about an hour - unbelievable!!
He's now 19mo and stands on a dining chair at the kitchen counter with a bunch of blocks, boxes, tupperware, cups, cars, all kinds if crap, while I make dinner, he has a whale of a time and I can finally chop veg! He sometimes 'helps' me wash up by handing back stuff I've just washed and stacked in the drainer!

My DD1 was the same. Still spirited at nearly 6 although she can now entertain herself a lot more. I think she was frustrated and bored with being a baby and got easier the more she could do for herself. I was back at work PT when she was 6 months old and she loved being with the GPs and at nursery. We did swimming lessons, rhyme time, massage, toddler groups, Jo Jingles. I kept my sanity and built up a social network, DD was entertained.

DD2 was more content to stay at home so didn't do many groups for her when DD1 was at preschool.

No rods here at all.

HV's are often bonkers. Ignore her. Why on earth should she be worried about your housework !

Thank you so much ladies, nice to hear reassuring stories about other people who have had spirited babies (and love to tell the tale!).

I think with the Health Visitor, she wa asking the question about housework to try and get to the bottom of how much of my day I was dedicating to entertaining DS...answer: lots! I think she was using housework as an example activity that I could be doing instead. If she knew me at all she probably would have substituted 'housework' for 'lying around reading Game of Thrones'...! But I have found this thread really useful cos I needed to hear that it wasn't bonkers to be planning two daily activities around his need for entertainment!

So funny to read the posts from mums of older boys who liken them to dogs who need a good walk! Since DS was born I have always said he is like border collie and is going to need lots of running round in the park when he is a toddler. Even though he can't even crawl yet, he never stops moving: always rolling around, grabbing for stuff, trying to pitch himself out of my arms headfirst onto the floor etc etc. am pretty sure I will be doing an 'evening walk' with DS when he is 2 as well banks stolen idea for the future

Agree with the posters up thread though, who suggest that I might be creating problems in the future if DS cannot be left/ignored for a few mins whilst I have a cuppa or make the dinner etc....so I am gonna try realt hard to make sure I take 5-10 mins a couple of times a day to get on with something (whether it be a bit of housework or reading a few sneaky pages of GoT whilst the kettle boils!) so he can start to get used to entertaining himself for a few mins. Wish me luck!