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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Please help me understand DH's parenting...

26 replies

Peanutbutternutter419 · 09/05/2013 15:27

Hi,
Sorry to ask on here but im having a bit of trouble understanding my DH's choices and on the odd occasion i have tried to ask him, he gets defensive.
I understand he is a parent in his own right and let him make decisions about our DS but some things just baffle me so im hoping someone may put it into perspective for me??

Please note: i am in any way against ff or feeding jars etc!

Basically i BF so up until now i have made all decisions about DS feeding. We have just started weaning (although i would have held off for a couple of weeks but DH thinks he's ready so am going with the flow. )
I have been cooking up fresh fruit and veg for him, but on choice, DH will always choose a jar even when i point out that there are fresh purees in the fridge.
He will also try to give formula even when there is ebm in the freezer.
He has also lately been saying that i should be stopping BF soon as DS is getting too big etc. he's 5
Months old btw!

I was brought up bfed and on fresh prepared meals and eat everything going but he was brought up on salty/sugary diet from young but always says he wants DS to have a better diet than him but yet he will choose processed over fresh every time??

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FrogInABog · 09/05/2013 15:33

Have you actually explained health benefits of breast milk? I'd also mention about it being recommended until 2, whether you carry on that long or not it will give him some perspective of what's 'normal' rather than thinking DS is too big.
Also, get him to taste a pot of baby food and see if he still wants to inflict it on poor DS, the things taste disgusting!

Original poster

Peanutbutternutter419 · 09/05/2013 15:39

Haha that would be the day, he barly eats 3 vegetables and only eats bananas on rare occasions! Its a nightmare!

I did make him attend the 'intro to breastfeeding' course i went to and he would quite happily quote the benefits when people (his family) ise to ask about bf when DS was very young. Thats what i dont understand? Thinking about it, he has mentioned this since i became confident feeding DS in public.

OP posts:

CreatureRetorts · 09/05/2013 21:18

Is he funny about touching your BM?

I don't know why you don't ask him outright. Be specific. Also don't buy jars for your ds?

Original poster

Peanutbutternutter419 · 09/05/2013 21:31

No not funny about touching my bm, he has made up bottles of ebm in the past, he just seems to have got a bit funny recently about the whole thing.
I dont buy jars, but he came home with a whole stash of them the other day. Think he got excited about the whole weaning thing and i suppose maybe this is what he is used to?

OP posts:

CreatureRetorts · 09/05/2013 21:33

Maybe? I would ask him. Point out that he wouldn't eat ready meals as a matter of course so why expect a baby too.

Maybe he wants to feel in control - your BM and your cooking means that he has less input. Perhaps put him in charge of cooking every now and then?

CabbageHead · 10/05/2013 05:02

I have had major control issues with my DH altho he was much worse than your dh because he would refuse to believe ds needed sleep during the day etc but I can relate to how fustrating it is...

My experience is that DH def needed to feel he was participating much more (he is a major control freak!lol) .. Would it have anything to do with his intimacy with you in your relationship? Dads often feel very left out esp if u r BF.. So maybe he got excited that he wld get to have you back as a female rather than a mother!.. Just a thought...

Stick to ur guns with bf, we did formula and bf cos of DS reflux so u could always compromise... We did one bottle of formula at bedtime.. Because i got sick of pumping too... This helped DH so he could feed DS at night as working meant he didn't get to see him as often as he wanted to...

No advice on the food front, I also make everything from scratch, and luckily DH hates jar food cos his own daughters were only given jar food as babies so he hates it... And DS also hates jar food so I'm lucky that way. I always try and say how if it's in a packet then it's dead... Dunno could, u get DH interested in growing veges to feed DS so he feels excited about it that way? Or round up his family to help get the message across?

It's so hard when u have diff parenting ideals that's for sure.

Mutley77 · 10/05/2013 05:43

It is difficult and I think there is definitely a man/woman control thing. My DH likes to feel that he has an major input in the upbringing of our DC's (fair enough) - however it can be difficult practically to implement that when I am doing 95% of the work/decision-making in that respect. "Parenting by committee" as my friend calls it is hard bloody work especially when no 2 people agree on everything. I have found as I get older and more confident as a mum I do resent him trying to "interfere" with what is working perfectly well. I do try to let it go - I listen to and agree with his POV (then ignore it!) - and when he is dealing with the kids let him get on with it.

I don't think you need to assess whether your DH is right or wrong - plenty of people give up BF at 5 months or use jars some or all of the time for convenience (and you have said you don't have a problem with either). I think you need to respect his view - you sound a little bit patronising although I'm sure you don't convey that to him. Just because it was how you were brought up doesn't mean it is the only way. He might just like to do things a different way because that is what he's used to - and tbh if I were him I would much prefer to make up a bottle of formula than faf about defrosting EBM.

TBH I would probably say to you (although it might sound harsh) - don't sweat the small stuff. IMO these are small issues and if he gives your DC the odd jar or bottle of formula when he is feeding (let's face it probably not often if he is at work FT) then I would just let it go. Especially as he is so keen to be involved and doesn't like being challenged, you are potentially allowing his resentment to build up which will be much more of an issue in the long term than whether or not your DS has a bottle of formula.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 10/05/2013 08:57

My DH was the opposite OP...and still is...I'm like your DH a bit...I'll often go for the easy option (though mine never had jars) my DH is FULL ON about healthy eating and hassles me about buying crap...I think it is all about balance...though having said that, why don't you just stop getting in jars?

If there's only the fresh puree available then DH will have to chose that....

Original poster

Peanutbutternutter419 · 10/05/2013 15:29

Thanks for your POVs, no they didnt sound harsh at all and believe me i do try to hold it in as i dont ever want him to feel like he cant just do what he wants when it comes to our DS.
I think its just hard when i do things 90% of the time a crrtain way and he just does things differently.
I tried making up bottles in the evening so he could have the 'bonding' time but after a couple of nights he just wasnt bothered abiut doing it any more. The same with baths and putting to bed. I sippose the novelty worr off quickly with those things so i may just let him get on with it for now.

I try not to be patronising! :) ot is hard because out upbringing is so different and myself being a nursery nurse means i have experience in a lot of things already whereas he is starting from scratch...I must remember that i suppose!

OP posts:

Original poster

Peanutbutternutter419 · 10/05/2013 15:31

P.s i do apologise about the typos! Damn iphone and rushing!

OP posts:

lottiegarbanzo · 10/05/2013 15:40

I find it odd that he'd have the opinion about BM making your son 'too big', as that has to have come from somewhere. Why does he think BM would have this effect? Or rather, why does he want to dissuade you from BFing?

WoTmania · 10/05/2013 15:51

I think a lot of people don't really see BM as 'real' milk and stopping at 6 months is often regarded as the norm so possibly he's just not comfortable with you BFing at this point?
People often revert to what they were brought with or are used to no matter how well read so he may have it in his head now that he's getting on for 6 months soon and that will be too old (I'm assuming the 'too big' comment was about age i.e too big to be nursing).

sugarandspite · 10/05/2013 15:51

Op, I kind of think that the purees / jars issue is one that he should get an equal-ish say in as much as is reasonable given that you will probably be doing 80% of the meals when he is at work?

However the bit about bf / formula I think should ultimately be your decision as it is such a big impact on your body. I know when DD got to weaning stage, it turned out that DH assumed that she would also be weaned off bf onto formula - he found the idea of bigger babies BFing a bit 'weird'.
At the time I basically told him that I didn't really give a stuff what he thought about bf and we'd be doing it as long as it suited us. DD is now 2 and just starting to wean from bf and DH has been nothing but supportive and encouraging all the way through. In our case, telling him straight was really helpful and avoided a regular 'when ARE you going to wean her?' discussion.

sugarandspite · 10/05/2013 15:53

I think the phrase 'weaning' can be confusing - most people seem to take it to be about weaning off milk / bm rather than introducing solids.

lottiegarbanzo · 10/05/2013 16:58

Oh i see, too old rather than actually growing too big. Duh.

Anyway, he's probably reverting to what he knows a bit and has an idea of 'normal' and of 'healthy variation on normal' that are quite far from your normal and healthy, which would probably be at the 'extreme lentil-weaving' end of his spectrum. Maybe you've been talking but using the same terms in different ways?

I think you just need to talk through the way you imagine things happening and why, pointing him to guidance if helpful - so he can see what you're saying is the current normal, or good practice, not way out there - and let him do the same, then identify what you're going to do and why.

brettgirl2 · 10/05/2013 17:43

I always intended to give mine the odd jar, but tbh once they'd tasted home cooked food they refused point blank to eat them. So perhaps it will sort itself out?

Hrrrm · 10/05/2013 17:53

Well, as you have attended a special breastfeeding course, you probably know that weaning before 6 months is not necessary. If your DS is getting big, that's a good thing. He'll also get more nutrition from milk at the mo than from food ( fat etc).
My theory is that if you bf and cook normal food for babies, you don't need to buy anything special. But on tv/films etc you see people having all these products and then you go to the supermarket and there's a whole aisle of baby stuff. Some people kind of create their personality/way of life through buying things rather than doing things or whatever. Perhaps your DH wants to buy stuff for your DS so that he feels like he is actively parenting.
I'd say stick to your guns. Never seen the point of jars/pouches - how hard is it to sort out some apple/cucumber/pepper chunks or porridge, potatoes, chop up some bread etc?

Wishiwasanheiress · 10/05/2013 17:58

Why ask? Just chuck jars out!

AppleAndBlackberry · 10/05/2013 19:01

I would probably ask him to use BM first if it's available as FM has a very long shelf life in powdered form and I wouldn't like to see my BM wasted. I personally wouldn't worry about the jars, they are more convenient and if it's only 10% of the time I wouldn't see it as an issue.

Not sure why he's doing it though, have you discussed it at all?

caroldecker · 10/05/2013 20:16

He probably feels you helicopter parent when he is in 'charge' and don't let him do it his way and criticize continually.
How often have you left the two of them alone - even for a few hours?

mummy2benji · 12/05/2013 23:37

Are you guys millionaires? If not, point out to him the cost of feeding your dc solely on formula milk and jars of food. It's huge! Perhaps he has some fear regarding BF that it is 'weird' when the child is big, and a 5 month old looks a lot bigger and is a lot more alert than a newborn. It is going to be a long time yet before your ds has a memory though so no danger that he will remember and be traumatised for life! I can understand (although not agree with) him having an opinion on BF - everyone has their opinion on BF! But I don't get the reaching for a jar over homecooked food. Would anyone put a ready meal in the microwave for dinner if someone presented them with a homecooked meal?? Perhaps leave an Annabel Karmel book on weaning lying on the dining room table in the hope that he'll have a read. If he doesn't want to read about it and find out what advice is out there, he shouldn't be making decisions on weaning himself.

minipie · 13/05/2013 14:26

I wonder if this is coming from somewhere external ie his family or friends who use formula and jars?

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 13/05/2013 14:35

I have some weird hangups and sort of relate to the DH. I grew up very poor...we had hardly any of the "fashionable convenience foods" and ate good solid food home cooked from scratch which in retrospect was the BEST diet of any of my mates who were "spoiled" with tins of Toast Toppers and Campbells Meat Balls and Dream Topping....now I have a DH who is mad on organic and fresh food...and my DDs are encouraged to eat all the lovely fresh food he cooks...sometimes I rebell and buy shite processed foods even though I know it annoys DH....I do it so I can have some of what I never had...and to create a balance...and because I have a thing with allowing my partner total control even though he;'s designated shopper and chef.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 13/05/2013 14:36

Heiress if my DH "just chucked" food I had bought out I would be very cross.

Nagoo · 13/05/2013 14:48

I wouldn't try to argue that your food is 'better' even though it is but just ask him to use the fresh stuff first to avoid waste? There's no criticism of his choices then, you are merely trying to make sure that you aren't throwing stuff out. You'll use the jars when you haven't got anything fresh in to give your DS, as they last longer.

Also, lots of people seem to think that 6 months 'weaning' means stopping BF. It might be worth reiterating that you have no intention of giving up BF yet, and the food is supplemental to the milk at this point!

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