****MANAGING AWFUL BEHAVIOUR****8 GOING ON 13*** HELP***

[controlfreaky]

ds1 is 8. ds2 is 6. there has always been a problem with sibling rivalry between them. both are v competitive with each other. ds1 has continuing problem with controlling his anger and his relationship with ds2 often includes him being violent and hurting him. he is also often rude / shouty with us and hates being told off / punished for his bad behaviour. i try and manage the problems calmy and punish by taking away beloved tamagotchi / prized possession of moment but am ashamed to say often get cross and shouty too he really does feel life is v hard and unfair. this morning was tearful and upset after being told off (again) for not controlling himself. i hate to see him struggling like this and am feeling useless at finding ways to improve things.

my ds is also 8 - mostly gets on well with dd but occasionally the before-school bit in the morning is fraught with her screaming because he winds her up into a frenzy - he knows all the right buttons to press to upset her and consequently make mornings a lot harder. I can shout at him till I've given myself a headache, makes no difference though....only technique we've introduced recently which is really paying off is to deduct 20p from the current week's pocket money for every transgression. For instance yesterday he was down 40p for 1. being very cheeky during dinner and winding dd and her friend up; 2) storming out of the room in a huff when I said he had to wait till everyone else had finished to have a pud. Some weeks recently he has ended up sith no pocket money and been quite upset, but sometimes I only have to threaten the said deduction now and it's enough to make him stop and think - he's never actually naughty, just often cheeky and disobedient so we wanted to show him that his actions do have consequences!

agree with all that. it just feels like i am threatening / punishing him a lot... try not to get into negative cycle of only noticing the bad behaviour... but feel i cant be inconsistent / ignore the awful behaviour. i dont want him / us to be in constant battle and dont want him to spend so much time being angry / miserable. am really feeling upset re this.

Could he have a bit of responsibility, maybe a few job to do in the morning, breafast dishes put out, or make the toast. Something that he has ownership of which firstly will distract him away from fighting with DS2 and will make him feel important (not suggesting that he doesnt already)
Its just I know that ownership is a good way of encouraging good behaviour and i think at 8 he would be old enough to deal with it, also it may lighten your load . In the future there would be potential for promotion to breakfast making and dishes with DS2 taking on some responsibility himself.
My sister used this technique with her kids as they grew up and it was v successful. Mine aren't old enough yet but their time will come

thanks. will definitely give it a go. i think what makes me sad is i know he wants to be "good" but just cant control his impulses and ends up in doghouse... i do tell him i love him (often) and that its his behaviour i dont like but i think he feels v got at / squashed far too often... thanks for helpful post.

Feel I have to stick my oar in in the traditional manner at this point CF, and recommend a book called The Manipulative Child. I read about it on here a couple of years ago and bought it as we were having the same problems you describe with our eldest dd (then aged 8 or 9). I found it enormously helpful on the whole, both in terms of the strategies it outlines for dealing with the behaviour, but more importantly in the philosophy behind the strategies. Can't honestly say I still stick by the method to this day, but that's largely because the problem has passed. (which could mean either that the book worked or that kids grow out of these things as they mature... not sure)

I've recommended it on MN before-- people must think I'm on commission!

thanks. will have a look for it. need something to stop rut we are currently in.

Don't let the title put you off, btw. It's horrible but the book isn't!