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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

son wont kiss dad goodnight

12 replies

ladypippins · 22/04/2013 07:16

My 2 1/2 year old won't give his dad a morning or bedtime kiss. Obviously he can't explain why, other than saying he doesn't want to. I don't want to force it but I do suggest he does because it makes daddy sad. His dad says I should withhold by bedtime stories until he gives him a kiss.

Although I do the majority of the caring for our son his dad does spend some time with him early evening. Has anyone else experienced anything similar?

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awkwardsis · 22/04/2013 07:25

Whatever you do, do not let your eh withhold things til he is given a kiss. Just thnk abiut that. It's a horrible thing to do. My ds isn't big on kisses either. I take my lead from him, he'll often ask for one before I tuck him in. If not, I just say goodnight, he'll sometimes call me back in for one. It doesn't mean he doesn't love him, or is being naughty. He just doesn't want a kiss, and he's ok to decide that for himself.

Fairylea · 22/04/2013 07:31

Stupid question but does dh have a beard?

Or stubble?

Plenty of.young dc don't like kissing men as their faces are rougher!

If it's not that then don't push the issue, dh can still kiss dc on the head and be affectionate etc. I'm sure it's just a phase and will pass.

Ledkr · 22/04/2013 07:32

Good grief so what??? My toddler won't do anything I ask her it's what they do. And never force them to show affection it's a really bad lesson to teach them. My dd adores my dh but is fairly aloof with me as he is more hands on with her. She even calls him if she wakes in the night which is a huge bonus just don't worry about it. The more you make if this the longer it will go on.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 22/04/2013 07:38

Lord Above!!! Withhold stories??

Time for you both to realise that while your 2 year old is reliant on you for everything, he doesnt belong to you. He is his own person with his own likes and dislikes, and the right to choose who he kisses or hugs or who does the same to him.

He is not a monkey, there to perform so your DH doesnt feel sad.

BrienneOfTarth · 22/04/2013 07:49

Be completely cool about this, don't make an issue about it or stress. My DS went through a big phase of this which he's gradually coming out of about 6 months later. We think, and he has agreed to when we ask him about it in simple language, that he started witholding kisses because he noticed that generally after kisses the kissed adult went away, and he was trying to prevent the going away by witholding the kiss. Your DS needs lots of reassurance that both his parents love him whether or not they are there right now, and whether or not they get kissed. He needs lots of opportunities for kisses and cuddles which are not goodbye/goodnight kisses. You need to explain that a kiss means "I love you and want you to know that I love you" and that a kiss doesn't make someone go away. He won't understand immediately but he'll get the hang of it. In the mean time, when he refuses a kiss just say "that's OK, you don't have to kiss me but I love you lots and lots anyway"

If you make a fuss it will become a much bigger deal as he will identify that he has found a way to get a lot of attention and reaction and will start doing it more.

ThereGoesTheYear · 22/04/2013 07:51

It's a terrible idea to tell your DS it makes daddy sad, or for you to withhold stories. Your DS should be taught that his body belongs to him and that affection should be freely given. Anything else is, quite frankly, dangerous.
And why are you expected to dole out the punishment?

Pozzled · 22/04/2013 07:51

Please don't punish him for not wanting to kiss someone. It would be a very bad lesson for him to learn. I strongly believe that we should be teaching children that they have the right to show and accept affection in a way that feels comfortable and right for them.

Try offering him polite alternatives- a hug, blowing a kiss, a friendly wave or just saying 'No thank you, Daddy'.

My DD1 can be funny about kisses, she often doesn't want a bedtime kiss. We've never pushed it, but she will do a big hug instead and will kiss us occasionally when she wants to.

vix206 · 22/04/2013 08:02

Just ignore this behaviour, it will pass very quickly. My almost 3 yo ds went through a phase of actively pushing dh away, in every sense. Luckily my dh was very understanding and realised it wasn't a problem. We just ignored it. Within a couple of weeks they were thick as thieves again.

It's a phase, there'll be others like it but please don't make your ds feel guilty or responsible for his fathers happiness in any way. Just wait it out, it will soon sort itself out.

colleysmill · 22/04/2013 08:09

It was the other way round here - ds wouldn't have a kiss from me, only daddy.

In the early years it was always daddy - if he fell over, wanted a playmate or feeding it was always "not want you mummy want daddy!" He would push past me to get to daddy even if I was closer. At nighttime if he woke up I couldn't settle him, only daddy.

It was a loooong phase of about 2 years but now its much more even and there are things only mummy can do. My advice is don't force anything or withdraw anything because it will pass.

colleysmill · 22/04/2013 08:15

One thing I used to do was kiss teddy goodnight rather than ds which he seemed happier with - it became a game as the number of toys who needed a kiss grew over the months!

Lala29 · 22/04/2013 08:23

I have recently given up work and although my DD will kiss DH, she will always prefer to go to me (18 months). We don't make a big deal of it, but I have started to leave them alone at bedtime, so DH does bath, book and bed. It's therefore their time and she is much better when I'm not there at all. Worth a try? Don't punish him though!

birdofthenorth · 22/04/2013 08:24

Random factor but check it's not because your DP's stubble has grazed himation some stage- speaking from similar experience here! Get DP to have a shave, apply moisturiser and ask DS to feel how nice and soft his chin is... then ask for a kiss!

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