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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Dd with mummy and ds with daddy

13 replies

pamelat · 02/04/2013 08:58

does anyone with a daughter(s) and son(s) find that the same sex parent usually ends up with that child?!

Both of mine were mummy's children until fairly recently but ds, approaching 3, seems to just want daddy

This is good in one way, practically it helps!! Dd always chooses that i be with her, she's 5.

It's just that we seem to end up as two separate twos!

Ds even said that he didn't like girls and just liked daddy :(

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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Tournesol · 02/04/2013 09:57

I would be wary of making this the norm as the more you let it split you like that the more it will seem normal. I would try and make sure you mix it up with mummy taking DS to something fun and same with dad and DD, but then mix this in with lots of family time all together.

I have two boys and a girl and try to make sure it is not always split down gender lines - although it often is just due to age but I am very conscious of not creating a boys vs girls atmosphere at home.

2BoysAndNoMore · 02/04/2013 11:55

Pamelat not sure if yu remember me but I used to be meandmyjoe and we spoke when our eldest children were horrors babies
How's things? Have no experience as we have 2 boys now(as the name suggests) but I definitely relate to the two sets of two thing. DS1 has always always been a mummy's boy and he's like my best friend. DS2 is daddy's shadow and sometimes I just feel like we're very divided which is sad. I think the only thing to do is try and arrange more things as a foursome or things especially for DH to do with DD and you with DS. I understand it's easier said than done though!

Heinz55 · 02/04/2013 11:58

That would be my childrens natural inclination - from whenever they could express a preference. We try to mix it up but in times of illness or upset ds gravitates to Dad and dd to me. I don't think it's a gender thing - just personality/who they feel more secure with.

Thumbwitch · 02/04/2013 12:04

I don't know what would have happened if I'd had a girl second time around but I suspect what has happened with you, OP! DH always said that if we had a girl and a boy then he would "get" the boy and I would "get" the girl, y'know, to perpetuate gender stereotypes - bloody Aussie!

Anyway, we have 2 boys so it ain't going to happen. DS1 was very much my boy until the latter stages of my pg, when he and DH started doing more together (perforce) and that has continued since the arrival of DS2. DS2 is only 5.5mo so of course is a complete Mummy's baby at the moment, although he does light up when he sees his Daddy and brother as well. :)

Be interesting to see how it pans out - DH is the younger son of 2 and was a complete mummy's boy - I'll wait and see what happens.

I wouldn't want it to continue though, I have to say. More mix'n'match would be healthier all round. I was a total Daddy's girl, my Mum favoured my brother and my sister sort of "flitted" but was really a Mummy's girl, I think, certainly as she got older.

Original poster

pamelat · 02/04/2013 17:11

Meandjoe, as was, yes I remember you!! Our two were so similar!! It's strange as now my oldest, my dd, is fine!! She's still stroppy, strong willed etc but as long as she's had enough sleep she's good company :)

I find ds very hard so it must just be an age that I struggle with?! How about you?

I sometimes wonder if ds has chosen daddy because dd is so adamant that I'm "hers".

We alternate taking her to swimming lessons but she would prefer it were me each week, and on that week, ds cries for daddy initially!!

Funny aren't they

When ds has been to nursery he's quite distant from me! On "mummy" days, I work 3, he's clingy but also very loving so I'm lucky with him that I don't work full time ;)

OP posts:

DunderMifflin · 02/04/2013 17:15

My older DD tends to spend more time with DH and younger DS with me - our personalities naturally suit these pairings (adults and children's personalities). We do mix it up as well though!

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 02/04/2013 17:46

All mine (a girl and 2 boys) want me if they are ill, hurt or upset, but when healthy my 5 year old boy would probably choose Daddy more than 50% of the time, where my eldest (daughter) would choose me more often - but not always I don't think... My youngest (boy, 2 in a couple of weeks) is incredibly, ridiculously possessive of me - independent in the day time as long as nobody else is laying claim to me, but if anyone else sits too close or gives me a hug, or even looks at/ talks to me for too long he is a 12kg ball of blond furry barrelling in yelling "Meine Mama! (name's) Mummy, Dat one's MINE!" They will all go to Daddy and he has novelty value most certainly - they see a lot less of him than me, so for now (at 7, 5 and nearly 2) I am the go-to for comfort for all of them.

Do you think you or your DH might unintentionally encourage the split? I only ask because my DH has a big thing about middle children, and I think over-compensates with DS1 sometimes - DD is also a "big" personality and can overshadow DS1 (everyone knows DD, DS1 was DD's brother for ages, esp until she left Kindergarten so he could be seen in his own right) and so DH is constantly telling DS1 what he's better at than her, and unintentionally putting her down in the process, which does have the effect of distancing her and making DS1 want more Daddy time!

2BoysAndNoMore · 03/04/2013 22:10

Pamelat Same as you I find DS1 (now 5) is just amazing. Seriously is my best friend. Such good company and is so reasonable and so much more happy then I ever thought he would be. He makes me happy just by being with him and seeing how he has evolved from that miserable, high maintenance, screamy baby to this mature, articulate, empathetic little boy is just unbeliveable sometimes! (I realise I am totally biased but he's great!)

DS2 is much the same as DS1 was . He is whingy, hard work, always always crying and needing input. He's 15 months and is everybit as high needs as his brother was. It's tough going because I soooo wanted to enjoy it all and feel like I was getting it right this time. Sadly, I feel like maybe I just make hard work babies and also I think my personality does not fit well with being around a non verbal whingy baby. Finding it very hard to say the least but I am filled with hope whenever I look at DS1 because I know just 4 years ago I was on here saying exactly the same things about him, about how strong willed he was, how miserable he seemed, how he endless energy and wouldn't be contained to a high chair or pushchair etc. DS2 even looks exactly like DS1 did so every chance he could turn out to be every bit as wonderful in the long run .

So glad to hear your DD is now a star too. I remember so mny of our posts and how similar they were. Been a long journey!

stealthsquiggle · 03/04/2013 22:15

Definitely a personality thing more than (or rather than) gender based. In our house the natural 'split' is DS and me, DD and DH. We have to consciously 'mix it up' sometimes.

Sokmonsta · 04/04/2013 18:38

I find that with our twins. Instinctively dts settles better for dh and dtd for me. The elder dd and ds don't mind who they are with but will focus on one of us at a time. Ie dd may want to spend a whole day following dh around while ds will be stuck to me like glue. Another time it will be the reverse.

With the twins we have to consciously mix it up as dtd is getting very attached to me, to the detriment of an attachment with dh.

Original poster

pamelat · 04/04/2013 19:21

I think that's the thing, it's a conscious effort, if I want to "push" dd to be with her dad

Today we've had a funny day as I'm normally off on a Thursday with ds, obviously dd after school. Today we've all had the afternoon "off" together.

Ds missed his nap and by about 3pm just melted. For the first time in a while he wanted me, "just mummy" he repetitively whined (would have preferred he'd wanted daddy at this point ;)). We had a long and difficult afternoon with him hysterical unless I did things but dd copes ok with it (I was raising my eye brows and making light of it for her) but at bath time said "but now can I have mummy as ds has had her all day!!" to DH.

I just didn't really want this either/or life but is it inevitable with young children and two grown ups?

As long as we try to alternate who a bit :)

Meandjoe, sorry that it's hard again for you. Ds was am easy baby until 4 months old. He got chicken pox so I blame that (!!) but his sleep became awful, truely awful. He didn't sleep through until 13 months old and now wakes at least 4 nights aweek.

He is high maimtenace, whiny, demanding etc. Like dd was. I think I make them that way!!! I just hope he becomes like dd, who changed from about 3 :)

OP posts:

2BoysAndNoMore · 04/04/2013 19:48

Sounds very similar to my DS2! He was difficult from day one same as DS1 was but then he got chicken pox at 5 months and he's been whiney and clingy ever since! So strange how they've been so similar again to yours. DS1 got chicken pox age 4 and gave them to DS2 who of course got them terribly and cried CONSTANTLY. It just feels like he's never really stopped crying since, despite all our best efforts and trips to GP, health visitor, cranial osteopath etc. Just like reliving DS1;s babyhood which as much as I hate to admit it, was probably the most stressful and sad time of my life (which before I get flamed, I KNOW how bad that sounds and I feel nothing but guilt for it now). It's ust never ending with DS2, he cries sometimes I am convinced just out of habit. I have to literally tell him 100 times a day to stop whinging and use his words which he has a few of now. It's just very sad because like you, I didn't really enjoy DS1 until he was about 2 and a half, still difficult to manage until 3 if I'm honest. Just such HARD work. I feel like such a failure when I take him anywhere because inevitable he ends up whinging and going into melt down and I still feel like such a novice. I just feel like I'm killing time waiting for it all to get better at the moment! Sorry, this really has just turned into an enormous rant!

Anyway, fingers crossed we'll get there! Try not to feel guilty for spending more time with DD, maybe it's just an age thing or it could be that you and DD are just naturally more drawn to eachother. Certainly I would choose to spend time with a lovely articulate 5 year old over a whinging toddler, but it could all change!

CreatureRetorts · 04/04/2013 20:54

I'm conscious of this and try and avoid it. They're only 1&3 though. We have a routine though where dd goes shipping with daddy on a Saturday morning and DH looks after both of them most of the time. I'm going to make sure we don't split them up as would prefer them to play with each other. Ds is actually more of a mummy boy at the moment. Dd did have a phase of preferring DH but is back to me now!

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