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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Family advice re Potty Training has tipped me over the edge today - have I done the right thing?

34 replies

GogoGobo · 06/03/2013 19:38

Started toilet training with DS last month (2.2) and within 3 days he was telling us when he needed a wee and has had consistently dry pants. Managed 1 poo on the potty and 1 on the toilet but these were with a day of following him around, reading the signs. He would say "poo poo coming" but would freeze up when on the potty or toilet and after 10 mins or so would say "no poo poo coming/poo poo gone" and invariably he would hold then find a quiet moment later in the day and poop his pants.

I have been trying to judge whether this is happening because he's not ready for complete toilet training or whether we will be delaying sorting out the pooping problem if we pause training.

Sooooo today, I received two pieces of "advice" from MIL and SIL both of whom are visiting this week. "shower him in cold water when he poos in his pants".

I feel so angry that this is even being suggested. I feel like bursting with frustration and of course I am anxious that I have mistimed the training and I am stressing him out.

I've just put him back in nappies this afternoon as I CANNOT bear the idea of them chipping in all weekend and potentially undermining his confidence even further.

Has anyone else paused potty training after a first attempt and found results improved after a break?
thanks x

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mummy2benji · 06/03/2013 19:43

what stupid advice from the rellies! Not surprised you were angry. My ds toilet trained much later, when he was nearly 3, so took to it quickly and we didn't need to have a break from it. But all the advice I've heard is that if you try and they don't seem ready, it's fine to stop it for a bit and try again when they seem more ready. It sounds like he's doing well if he's doing wees in the potty and it's just poos you're having problems with. I can recommend these blue 'peepee balls' that you can buy and chuck down the loo for little boys to "aim at". You can try searching them on google or amazon, I can't remember where I got them from I'm sorry. My ds was highly charmed by them though and loved using the toilet after we introduced those. He never really used a potty, preferred a child's seat on the "big toilet".

Original poster

GogoGobo · 06/03/2013 19:46

thanks mummy2benji
the toilet balls sound just like his kind of thing!

I am waiting for the barrage of advice when I tell them he's back in nappies but I am stunned that two "educated" people believe its ok to stand a 27 month old in the shower and run ice cold water over him!!!!

OP posts:

PeggyL · 06/03/2013 19:50

What horrible advice!! Everyone i know has paused it & tried it again at a better time, trust your instincts & don't listen to anyone else! I've heard Supernanny site is useful. Good luck x

VoldemortsNipple · 06/03/2013 19:56

It's perfectly normal for some children to take longer to come confident at pooing in the toilet. He obviously recognises the signs as he is going somewhere quiet to do it. Your Ds sounds like he is doing fantastic.

I would be inclined to carry on and tell your mil and SIL to Fuck off that what they are suggesting is child abuse and under no circumstances are you going to punish your child for not mastering pooing on the toilet.

Keep carm with your dc and don't make a fuss and he will get there in the end.

mummytowillow · 06/03/2013 19:56

I waited until my daughter was 3, and I followed Gina Ford potty training in a week. Now I know its sounds ridiculous to do it in a week but you don't!

You have around 4 weeks of preparation and she advises to take a week off work or stay indoors and really perservere.

I followed it to the letter and it worked, I know most people don't like GF's advice but it worked for me. She was dry and clean after a week and she was dry overnight within 3 weeks.

He does seem quite young, so maybe get the book and try again in a few months?

Good Luck!!

VoldemortsNipple · 06/03/2013 19:57

#calm#

Fairylea · 06/03/2013 20:02

That's awful advice :( ... always makes me shudder when people come out with these things. It's abusive.

Carry on as you are. In my experience they get it very quickly when they are ready so I wouldn't make an issue of it.

Dd now aged ten was dry in about a week... I think she was about two ish. But for a long time afterwards she would only ever poo in a nappy holding on to the radiator in the hall !!

I have no idea why and I enjoy teasing her about it now :) (it's become a family joke and she finds it funny too).

Relax and encourage. It will click in time.

elfycat · 06/03/2013 20:03

DD1 toilet trained when she was 3.5 (after several attempts that she just wasn't interested in) and at first it was just wee. I'd see her stiffening up and she wouldn't go for a poo. I'd try a moment of encouragement and then offer to put a nappy on. A few mins later the nappy comes off and no more was mentioned. Eventually I googled 'resistance to potty training' and found advice on a Toddler Led Toilet Training (on another thread

After a couple more months and while discussing how Mr Poo wants to go to Pooland with all the other poos she dragged me to the toilet to proudly show what she had done in the toilet. Job done and she's been really good ever since.

I think you did the right thing today, putting him back in nappies while you and he have a breather. When you go again in a while don't tell them or tell them that you're encouraging him to be independent and have accidents if he needs to without reproaching him. Have a glass of cold water standing by to throw over them and then say 'Oh I'm sorry but I'm taking your advice on cold showers when I hear shit'

What they suggested sounds like child abuse to me.

RemindMeWhatSleepIs · 06/03/2013 20:03

It's sounds like you've been doing really well. Poos are often a bit more of a challenge. I can imagine the sensation of pooing in a toilet/potty feels really odd when you're used to a nappy. My DD had a habit of panicking and trying to get up and run off mid-poo! Sorted itself out pretty quick with a bit of bribery.

Stay calm and supportive. Ignore your relatives. You don't want their advice nor should you allow them to discuss it in front of DS if they can't be calm and positive about it.

I found the book "potty training girls (boys) the easy way" by Simone Cave & Caroline Fertlemann a very stress free way of potty training. They turn the whole thing into a game.

Good luck!

elfycat · 06/03/2013 20:05

On another MN thread we called it TLTT.

Stoooopid computer jumped and deleted the rest of the sentence.

Original poster

GogoGobo · 06/03/2013 20:05

Thank you for the advice. I agree that cold showering a 27 month old IS child abuse. shocking but one of them his a teacher

I think he is young and I am going to leave it for 3 months or so and have a fresh start. I am not anti GF at all and will look up the book!

OP posts:

Original poster

GogoGobo · 06/03/2013 20:09

elfycat LOVE your idea of throwing a glass of the cold stuff over them!
TLTT and the toilet training for boys will be good reading material for me over the next month or two.
Thank you all for posting - it's so reassuring to hear your experiences x

OP posts:

mamababa · 06/03/2013 20:18

I would prob carry on tbh. My DS was 2.5 and cracked wee's in about 4 days, then would say he needed a wee, didn't go then pooed his pants. But he got the poos right within another week or two. Does he tend to poo at similar times? Maybe when he says he needs to but doesn't then goes off try him back on the potty in another 5 mins or so? Also I found a sticker chart with rewards for 5 stickers in a row brill. You're nearly there, he wee's in the potty and clearly knows when he wants to poo and can tell you so I'd give it a bit longer.

As for your IL's words fail me. I seriously wouldn't be able to keep my mouth shut!!

RemindMeWhatSleepIs · 06/03/2013 20:25

Can you keep some story books in the bathroom? Then when he mentions poos sit him on the potty and read a long story. It might just get him to sit on the potty long enough without getting bored. Worked for DD.

I agree, you are doing so well with wees it seems a shame to give up yet.

That doesn't mean you can't stick him in a nappy for visits to unhelpful relatives houses.

HorryIsUpduffed · 06/03/2013 20:52

27m is pretty young for a boy to pt nowadays (because nappies are so absorbent). Waiting will do no harm at all, and it sounds like he genuinely isn't ready.

nannyof3 · 06/03/2013 20:54

Poo's normally always come last... It takes time, alot of constipation and patience

MimsyBorogroves · 06/03/2013 21:22

I tried DS1 at a similar age. He wasn't ready. He understood what I wanted, but he wasn't bothered by the feeling of being wet or soiled, so there was no drive for him to do it.

I tried again at 2y 7m. He cracked it within 3 days. What worked for us was (other than him being ready) to buy a load of special stickers. Whenever he used the potty successfully he could choose 1 sticker for a wee and 3 for a poo, and he could decorate his chest of drawers or his potty with them.

bobbyrerry · 06/03/2013 21:42

The 'advice' is absolutly shocking. Who in thier right mind would do that to a child, what ever the circumstances. Hope DH wasn't subject to this abuse.
I really wouldn't worry if things take longer, they're going in the right direction. I've been doing what I call potty awareness since my DS was 9 months under pressure from my mother, who assures me I was potty trained by a year - yeah right! Anyway we keep it fairly relaxed, sing songs read books. Some days he's really good and asking to go other days he doesn't want to go near the potty or toilet. So we're no further on than you are and he's nearly 2. Goes to show it doesn't make a difference the earlier you start, they'll do it when they're ready with the right encouragement and without the punishment.
Going tho think up stories about Mr Poo in Pooland now.

mamababa · 06/03/2013 22:35

Was under the impression it's a physiological impossibility to toilet train a child before 18 months. So 'potty aeareness' from 9 months

RemindMeWhatSleepIs · 07/03/2013 06:53

We had a potty in the bathroom from about 18 months. DD would sometimes sit on it before bath, but mostly use it as a hat!

She potty trained really easy at 22 months as that was when she was ready. I'm really glad we did it then as now she's just turned 3 and she's a stroppy madam, we'd get nowhere fast now!

ClaireDeTamble · 07/03/2013 07:03

If he's mastered wees put him in pull-ups rather than nappies. That will make it easier for him to continue using the potty and toilet for weeing but won't matter so much if he poos in them. It will take the pressure off both of you without stopping completely.

atrcts · 07/03/2013 08:15

An ice cold shower is abuse and I'd be scared to allow them to babysit him if that's how they behave! Am pleased your son had a Mum with her head screwed on right though

We introduced potty books, DVD and offered a potty when he was naked before getting into the bath each night, and he often wee'd quite happily so we tried potty training when my son was about 2 1/2, but he just wasn't ready for it (pee'd without really noticing what was happening and didn't seem terribly perturbed by it ). His nursery suggested we don't even try with a boy until he turns 3.

All of a sudden, a couple of months before his 3rd birthday, he began to peel off his soiled nappy and hand it to us as an offering!!! We decided to try potty training again and after 4 days of half potty/half accidents, he became fully dry and has only had 2 minor leaks in the last 2 months.

So trying and aborting, then coming back to it again when a child is more ready seems like a really good idea.

elfycat · 07/03/2013 08:32

There is a downloadable colouring story about Mr Poo and Pooland that I found a link to on MN.

We didn't get around to the colouring. I can only imagine that you would need to go out and buy extra brown crayons....

I think the idea just appeals to kids and making up my own stories was much more fun. Do you think my DD1 (4) might like a day at a water treatment plant?

MajaBiene · 07/03/2013 08:40

I had the same issue with poos with my DS at first (he was trained about 26 months) - sees clicked immediately, seemed to get pooing for the first couple of days and then some pooing in pants. It's very common!

At first he just waited til nap time to poo in his nappy, and then we started leaving the potty in his room so he could get up after his nap and have a poo in peace/privacy! That seemed to work for him.

If he's got the hang of weeing then I wouldn't go backwards on nappies - try pull-ups.

Bumpsadaisie · 07/03/2013 20:51

I think this is awful!

Just ignore them. Your DS is young to be training and it sounds like he is doing well. Most children I know were more like 2 and three quarters to 3 years old.

I would leave it a bit, the older they are the easier it is anyway.

I tried with my DD when she was about your son's age. It was OK, some wees went in, some didn't etc. But I was heavily pregnant with DS and given that it wasn't instantaneous I just decided to leave it and try again once DS was born. She was 2.5 when he was born, there were two crazy "newborn plus toddler fog" months immediately following his arrival when potty training DD was out of the question, then we started again at 2.7. By her third birthday she was clean and dry day and night and we haven't really had an accident since (barring diarrhoea!). She is 3.9 now.

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