My 12yo has absolutely no boundaries whatsoever

[Shinyshoes1]

I have been worried about my ds for a few years now
He has absolutely no concept of boundaries .
Tonight he has
Tried to fart on DD numerous times to the point he very nearly poos himself
Burps so loud he nearly brings up sick
Sucked on her fingers
Called dd a fagott
Said ' what's wrong with you are you south African '

This is just the very tip of the iceberg . He often says inappropriate things , can't remember off the top of my head .
Nothing really excites him apart from his tablet and the ps3 which we control

I have asked both his primary school and secondary school if he is aspergers , they don't seem to think so

I lose patience very quickly

Any advice ?

How old is your DD? It seems from what you describe a lot of the behaviour is directed towards her?
How to you reproach him when he does these things to her?

You need to be setting boundaries. How long has he been behaving this way?

I was thinking of cobfuscating his laptop actually I might do it nOw.

He's not jealous of her he gives her love as well as winds her up

I've often heard heard him whispering " your mine all mine " not in a bad way, on a loving way so I know it's not jealousy

He's been behaving like this for as long as I can remember its just too much now

He just don't " get it " iyswim

You need to be very strict NOW.

Young people don't 'get it' because what is 'getting it' for adults is not the same as for youngsters.

Confiscate his PS3 etc immediately.

We held off giving our 11 year old DS a mobile phone until this Christmas, he has already had it confiscated for 12 hours becuase of inappropriate behaviour and if it continues he knows that the 'time limit' will double each time.

YOU, the parent have to set the boundaries.

Is the father on the scene, it sounds as though you have a lot to cope with?

It sounds very attention seeking behaviour, combined with very affection seeking with your DD. Does he get positive attention for other stuff (being nice, school work, playing nicely with his sister) etc? He probably won't come and ask for a hug, but it sounds like he does still want lots of attention and love, and is just going about trying to get it the wrong way.
Fundamentally 12yo boys can be a bit unsavoury, so toilet humour is probably standard, but I'd be cracking down like a ton of bricks on racists/homophobic language.

Can you tell us how old your DD is and how does she react to him doing these things?

TLW you have hit the nail on the head .
He craves attention but it's negatively . My DP and I ( his dad is on the scene for the poster that asked) have taken him out to try and spend time with him , he's ok not extremely excited but seems to enjoy it when we are out ,
within a day it goes back to negative attention seeking , we both work and there are 3 children in this family we can't keep overloading him with time and attention .
We give him more than the others because he seems to crave it more but I'm waiting for the other 2 children to rebel as the middle child gets all the positive attention otherwise he acts up .
He has no regard for "things" he leaves his coat / bag / phone everywhere and only the threat of grounding forces him to actually backtrack to where he's left it
He never asks for cuddles and hates any form of physical loving , literally flinches
I have just lost my rag as the " sucking on his sisters fingers" was the last straw for me
His brain don't comprehend what I say you can literally see it on his face
It's draining

DrAnge his sister was 5yo this week
She is oblivious
She has gone to bed crying as I have literally lost the plot and have told her that him sucking on her fingers is completely unacceptable
She never sees me cross so I think it's a shock to her

So you lost the plot with the 5 year old who is having her fingers sucked rather than dealing with the older boy?
No wonder she's gone to bed upset.

What have you done to try and curb his lack of boundaries apart from thinking about confiscating a laptop?

Why are you punishing your DD if your DS is the one sucking her fingers ?

I would be surprised if any 12 year old boys 'asked' for cuddles or enjoyed being physical, my DS also flinches away from 'cuddles or kisses'.

Is your DP the boy's father? I am not clear from what you have said.

What does he enjoy out of school - sports/Scouts - that sort of thing?

I don't know what to do ihearsounds . I have now confiscated his tablet and when DP comes in from work I will get him to disconnect the ps3 ( they all interact with each other )
I tell him to don't talk / act like that but like I said he just don't " get it " he never comprehends or takes on board what I've said
He has come out with homophobic and racist stuff in the past and I've told him I won't tolerate that language and behaviour
I made him join sea cadets as I thought it would teach him discipline , he enjoys it , it gets him out , to an extent it disciplines him somewhat
I don't know what else to do
He just muttered " prick " under his breath when I wrenched the tablet from his hands

Ok She is v little. I am not surprised she is upset with her much older brother invading her personal space like that. Why did you focus on your DD and not your DS? She can hardly control what a much older brother does.
Sorry but I do feel you need to comfort your DD and be really, really strong with your son when he does this. I am sure you know this as you posted but you really need to put a stop this before is starts to affect your DD.

Yes DP is the children's biological father we just never married

This isn't the first time with the finger sucking and perhaps I was a bit OTT but I've told her before don't let him do it

How on earth can she stop him? He is 12 she is 5!

Like I said perhaps I've been OTT with dd I will apologise in the morning

Does he have friends? In other words is he deliberately pushing boundaries at home to get a reaction, or does he really not understand how to interact with people appropriately (for his peer group, how a bunch of 12yo's alone behave might not be ideal but it has it's own codes of conduct!)?

Does all the 'disciplining' fall to you or is your DP involved? Does your DS spend one-to-one time with his father? I really feel that young boys need a strong role model so perhaps more time alone with his father, doing things together, might help?

Can you have a word with the Sea Cadet Leader, he might have some ideas.

Get ds checked out for either as perfects or autism by a proper healthcare professional. I've seen kids act this way but sucking your dds fingers and the language/behaviour is inappropriate. What's his relationship like with dp? And do you and dd have quality time together? I advise also not allowing him near the tablet or any other games or tv until he can control at least some of his behaviour.

Do you mean she felt scared when she saw you being cross at your DS?

I feel really sorry for your little DD. She is only 5 and can't do or understand much.

Your son might have special needs. Anyhow, he need to stop harassing his little sister.