My 12yo has absolutely no boundaries whatsoever

[Shinyshoes1]

I have been worried about my ds for a few years now
He has absolutely no concept of boundaries .
Tonight he has
Tried to fart on DD numerous times to the point he very nearly poos himself
Burps so loud he nearly brings up sick
Sucked on her fingers
Called dd a fagott
Said ' what's wrong with you are you south African '

This is just the very tip of the iceberg . He often says inappropriate things , can't remember off the top of my head .
Nothing really excites him apart from his tablet and the ps3 which we control

I have asked both his primary school and secondary school if he is aspergers , they don't seem to think so

I lose patience very quickly

Any advice ?

You think he might have AS? Then if you know anything at all about children on the spectrum, you will know that consistency and routine are the keys to helping them cope.

Haven't read the whole thread.sorry ifvthst has been said. He sounds very sad and mixed up. Toilet humour is probably 'normal' for his age stage.

However there are alarms tuning for me with the finger sucking and the ' you're mine, all mine' comment. Has he had a terrible experience etc? Your 5 year pkd is vulnerable and his behaviour towards her does not sound healthily loving.

I have worked with children for a long time and I would be very concerned about him, worried about where thus is coming from and super vigilant about safeguarding your younger DD.

Before people jump on me, I am not saying he is abusing her it that he has himself Bern abused, however his behaviours would concern me enough to be asking fir some support in helping him to feel more secure and to address any issues that MAY be around for him.

Oh ok sorry Shiny.

What you have described as loving actions are not. They sound more possessive.

I would take advice from the other posters about boundaries. What is and isn't appropriate.

shiny - you need to be firm and have sanctions though. If he loses things, he doesn't get them back, if he is rude and aggressive then he loses PS3, TV time and so on. Saying 'I'm thinking about confiscating something' when he has just behaved awfully is frankly wet - why are you so scared of being seen to be a strong parent? You are not meant to be his friend, but his Mum.

And don't buy them things - they don't need it and it runs counter to any sanctions you might be implementing.

The finger sucking and 'your mine' thing is very weird. Has he been watching any films or playing anything too old for him on the PS3?
I would go to the GP with that, difficult for sure but if he does have a problem then it needs investigating.

(Comparing own DC, including very immature 8yo DS who I think is on a spectrum for ADHD). It sounds very odd, I'm sorry to say. I wondered about things like ASD (and usually I'm the last to suggest anyone has that). But those social boundaries are way out for age. Whether you tolerate it or not doesn't sound like the problem to me, the point is he's not self-moderating & figuring out for himself that it's babyish.

Thinking about this more I think given his age it is really important to get to the bottom of his behaviour. It would be so easy for him to overstep the mark with an inappropriate comment on FB or into a situation with his peers which could inadvertently get him into a load of trouble.

You need to confiscate the stuff he loves give a time frame for the return of his stuff as long as his behaviour improves but most off all explain why his language and behaviour is unacceptable.

As for his interaction with dd. turn it around and say how he hates his personal space invaded by others and how he is doing this to dd.

I would say tough love with lots of praise when his behaviour improves is what you need now.

Does he have structure in his life that could be used to fill time. Clubs and sports to make him expend his energy?

My son has adhd and wouldnt dream of acting like that or he would lose pocket money games and just about everything he likes for as long as it would take him to stop.

Dont be soft you or dh, stick together and get some rules going, you are the parents he is only a 12 year old child.

"As well as looking at the way you are parenting - consistency, clear sanctions etc I do think you need to look closely at whether your son has some kind of problem beyond bad behaviour that counselling or similar might help him with. I don't think sitting whispering 'you're mine all mine' at a five year old necessarily demonstrates a loving action and the sucking of her fingers is, frankly, bizarre in a child his age."

yes, this - this!

I think the finger sucking is very odd aswell, and I can understand why you reacted in a furious way, as you probably feel out of control. However, it is your son who needs to be disciplined, and quickly. I would be more concerned about this than the words he's using. My son likes to call me a witch under his breath when he's angry, but I can say he doesn't do this very often! If my 13 yr old did this to his sister I would be horrified, and I would be very concerned at the physical contact. The "you're mine, all mine" sounds like part of a script from a film, or book. Has he watched or read something recently that he shouldn't have?

Have you asked him why he does this, and insisted on an answer? I won't accept "I don't know" from my son (which he seems to think is going to let him get away with crappy behaviour), and I insist that if he can't tell me, then he has to go away into his room and write a decent explanation of his behaviour. Usually results in a short explanation and an apology, but gives him some quiet time to think about what he's done. Can take quite a while, (sometimes hours) but eventually when he realises he's not getting any xbox, tv, or entertainment of any form until he produces something fairly acceptable, and is mostly effective.