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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

1 year old is really spiteful!!!!!

55 replies

GypsyTaylor · 08/01/2013 21:31

My girl who is one is so spiteful. She marks my face and pinches me, pulls my hair out and she has made me bleed several times. She bit her dads nose the other day and he was really angry. I don't know what I can do to stop it?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

HecatePropolos · 08/01/2013 22:12

Oh, and you can understand simple commands LONG before you can understand such complex things as cause and effect, emotions, understanding that other people have feelings, etc.

duchesse · 08/01/2013 22:13

There is no such thing as "spiteful" 1 year old. The only way you can deal with it at her age is to say "no" firmly (not screaming or super-angry) and put her down on the floor for a short time.

The really important thing is to try not to react massively as children of this age can find screaming quite amusing and will do it again and again (NOT out of spite but just because they find it funny and are too young to empathise.) You and her dad both need to be aware that this is a possibility and remember that she is extremely young. Children learn care and gentleness directly from their caregivers- therefore if you want her to become careful and gentle you must not react violently or aggressively if and when she does this. You must be firm but not over-react. It really is just a phase. Good luck!

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 08/01/2013 22:16

Given your last post I think talking to your health visitor or if there is a support worker or someone similar at your local childrens centre to talk to it would be a really good idea.

Your child is one, you are expecting her to behave like she is 4.

Original poster

GypsyTaylor · 08/01/2013 22:16

I see the health visitor today, she saw her do it to me a few times, she said 'dont hurt your mummy' and the tinker did it again, I have no need for classes I have a perfectly well behaved 6 yr old daughter too. Though she never used to pull hair or play rough. I think some kids are like it and some aren't

OP posts:

LineRunner · 08/01/2013 22:21

So you need to stop reacting to the problem behaviour (put your DD down somewhere safe and ignore) and enourage and praise the gentle touching.

nickelbabe · 08/01/2013 22:22

she doesn't understand that she's hurting you.

dd is 1.
she is trying to show her affection and that she loves me by sticking her fingers in my rise and eye and mouth.
when she grabs my head and hair, she's trying to explore every bit of me.
when i react in pain, hold her hand and push her away, she assumes it's a game and giggles and does it more.
if she hurts me, i take both of her wrists and say to her with a serious face "don't do that" and then put her down or ob the other side of the room
once she's calmed down, i pick her up and cuddle her.

she goes to bite my nose when she wants her milk because all babies know that milk also comes out of noses!
it's not malicious or spiteful, it's a very loose understanding of how the world works.

nickelbabe · 08/01/2013 22:26

ps: your dp getting angry at a baby is very unfair.
dd has just tried to eat dh'snose (she doesn't do sleep) and dh went "awww gerrorf !" and laughed while trying to fight her off.

HoratiaWinwood · 08/01/2013 22:27

She doesn't understand that it hurts you - or she doesn't make that link when she does it. It's a Theory of Mind thing that is a year off or more.

Modelling good behaviour eg gentle touch, showing her how to stroke rather than pinch and pull, and kiss rather than bite, is good.

I think it's far more likely she is exploring bodies and cause and effect than being spiteful. And even if she is trying to get a hurt reaction from you, that's exploration rather than spite.

DS2 is 21m and similarly violent - but being put out of reach - eg on our naughty spot, or down from my lap - and being ignored for a bit is getting the message through.

And my older child didn't really do it either!

Welovecouscous · 08/01/2013 22:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sweetkitty · 08/01/2013 22:32

It's hard sometimes when your lovely baby batters you. DS went through a biting me phase, then a hitting phase. Currently he is obsessed with my hair. He's 2.7yo now so tells me he loves my hair but loving it means pulling it and eating it.

If she hits you tell her no it hurts Mummy, Mummyblikes cuddles instead and cuddle her. If she hits you again say NO and walk away from her or our her down and ignore her for a minute, then go back give her a cuddle, cuddles nice, hitting is not nice. repeat repeat repeat she will grow out of it

MrsHoarder · 08/01/2013 22:32

Ds wraps his arms around my neck and them digs his nails in or pulls my hair. I tell him to hug gently and try to keep my hair in a high bun out of his reach.

Its a phase it will pass, but right now she's trying to hug/touch you and getting it wrong, not deliberately attacking you. Stay calm and move her away when she hurts you.

AitchTwoOhOneTwo · 08/01/2013 22:36

if your dp gets angry with a one year old, you need parenting classes imo.

Original poster

GypsyTaylor · 08/01/2013 22:41

My husband weren't angry at the babe he is a gentle kind man, maybe more shocked that he had his nose bit so hard, he wasn't pleased but it's the first time china has bitten him, I'm glad it wasn't me Cor I bet that hurt!! :)

OP posts:

Welovecouscous · 08/01/2013 22:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AitchTwoOhOneTwo · 08/01/2013 22:48

okay, it's just that you said 'really angry', and you did repeatedly say 'spiteful', which a baby is simply not capable of being. is it that english isn't your first language, maybe?

LineRunner · 08/01/2013 22:54

Lots of good advice here on how to deal with it nicely and effectively, so good luck.

MumsKnitter · 08/01/2013 23:43

I would try very hard not to tell her off at all. I have an autistic son who went through a very difficult violent phase as a toddler. He loved being told off, and I found it was much better to distract him and try to show no reaction. I learnt to spot it coming and head it off before it happened. When I was telling him off, it simply encouraged him all the more. He was simply trying to communicate.

MurderOfGoths · 09/01/2013 00:25

"Spiteful" would mean that she understands what she does. She doesn't at 1!

DS scratches and hits me, he isn't spiteful he's just discovering new sensations. And he does it over and over again because he doesn't understand that it hurts. Telling him "no" also means little, as far as I can tell he enjoys seeing the different expression on my face. It's like a game to him, he doesn't understand consequences.

It's the same reason he hits himself in the face with his toys, he cries every single time but still cannot see a correlation between toy in face and pain. That will take time.

Not reacting seems to be the best plan, and gently (without any fuss) restraining him from doing it. Other than that you just seem to have to put up with it until they learn better.

Spite really really doesn't come into it.

marzipananimal · 09/01/2013 09:07

I sympathise, it's really hard not to get cross or take it personally when they really hurt you (esp repeatedly)!
DS was a biter and I had some success at about 13-14 months with plonking him in the travel cot for a mini time out the moment he bit me. Had a little bit of success too with giving him a toy to bite instead and saying 'you don't bite mummy, if you want to bite, you can bite this'.

matana · 09/01/2013 09:26

My DS has reduced me to tears sometimes, not because he has really hurt me physically but because i was trying to ascribe my adult emotions to a baby. Consequently on one or two occasions i took his biting/ hitting either as a personal insult or wondered what i was doing wrong as a mum and whether he was going to be a bully when was older! What everyone above said - they are just not capable of understanding how their actions impact on others until they are much, much older. They see everything as new, exciting, an experiment at that age and will do almost anything they can to get a funny reaction. Not so funny for us though!

DS is 2.1 now and rarely hits any more - and when he does it's more a tiny protest and he lacks the conviction to carry through on his full strength! At 1yo i used to say "Ouch! That hurts mummy, we don't hit." and then distract him with a favourite toy. If he did it again, i would calmly place him on the floor and get on with what i was doing previously. As they get older and can understand more you can get a bit tougher with them - but still i try very hard not to shout at him. Your actions speak far louder than words. At 2yo intervention is the best way - you learn to see it happen before it does and you intervene. If it's too late then you can get them to understand cause and effect "I'm sad/ upset because you hit me/ him/ her and it hurts when you hit. Say sorry please - it will make them feel better." It's along, slow process and there will always be blips. Just be consistent and respond in an age appropriate manner. Good luck.

strumpetpumpkin · 09/01/2013 09:26

she can't put herself in your shoes to know that it hurts, although she probably enjoys the fact she gets a reaction. This is normal. Spiteful is the wrong word.
As long as you are consistent about putting her down and ignoring her when she does it rather than giving a reaction, then eventually it will stop being fun.
Its no more spiteful than when a puppy nips. Its actually her playing, but its all about teaching her what is acceptable and what isnt.
She will grow out of it

mindosa · 09/01/2013 09:28

Gosh she is not spiteful just frustrated that she doesnt have words so is acting out physically

pictish · 09/01/2013 09:29

As soon as she does anything like it, put her straight down with a sharp NO! NO BITING! - then walk away from her.

SolomanDaisy · 09/01/2013 09:38

I have a 1 year-old. I don't know any 1 year-olds who don't do this. They are way too young to have any concept of right and wrong.

cory · 09/01/2013 10:07

Add message | Report | Message poster GypsyTaylor Tue 08-Jan-13 21:58:31
"I'm not accusing a baby of having adult emotions I'm saying that when I tells her no, she comes back and does it again and again. She know what no means and I class that as spiteful behaviour that needs to stop. My girl can speak lots of words, and respond if I say things like change your nappy, lay down, eat your dinner, etc she understands me, so why can't she understand that straching biting and hitting are wrong? "

Because children's development is gradual. They understand the words for objects, like "nappy" years before they understand abstract concepts like "right" and "wrong". Even a 2yo who repeats the word "naughty" after mummy doesn't have the same understanding as an adult about the moral depths of naughty.

And even with objects, development is gradual: they'll learn the word for "doggie" but may then say "doggie" of all four-legged animals because they haven't, as it were, understood the full concept of "doggie" and what it is that makes a "doggie" different from a "horsie".
(When dd called the young assistant in the butcher's shop "dadddy" she wasn't making suggestions about my private life: she just thought that was a word for grown-up men).

To say, why doesn't she understand "wrong" when she understands "nappy" is a bit like asking me why I don't understand Einstein's theory of relativity when I understand the Highway Code. One is rather more difficult than the other.

Some children do do it more than others; that's not because they are spiteful but because being naturally more boisterous their explorative behaviour will hurt more. They can't understand that any more than the non-boisterous 1yos actually understand that they are being good.

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