1 year old is really spiteful!!!!!

[GypsyTaylor]

My girl who is one is so spiteful. She marks my face and pinches me, pulls my hair out and she has made me bleed several times. She bit her dads nose the other day and he was really angry. I don't know what I can do to stop it?

[NeoMaxiZoomDweebie]

This thread is months old!

[megandraper]

I don't think you know what spiteful means. (I'm not saying that to be mean, just because that word is what got you a lot of negative replies, because it is impossible for a baby to be spiteful) Spiteful means malicious, with nasty or vicious intent. Knowing something will hurt, and doing it deliberately.

A 1 year old can't do that. They can't yet empathise (i.e. put themselves in your place and imagine how it feels for you.) so they can't do something deliberately to hurt you. It's just that when they do hurt you, hour reaction (crying out/jumping/shouting 'No') often seems funny to them, and encourages them to do it again.

My DD is nearly 2 and still does this. She's better at stopping when I tell her than she was, though. I say 'No, don't hurt Mummy' in a very calm, ordinary voice, and remove her hand. though I still squeal when she bites down while falling asleep on the breast, can't help it!

Both my DSs went through this stage too. They're 5 and 3 and don't do it any more, haven't for a long time. Can't remember exactly when it stopped though. You just need to stay calm and consistent and it will pass, honestly!

[Lindsay2013]

What a lot of nasty replies on here! To me it dosnt sound like you need parenting classes what so ever, just a mum looking for advice. I agree with a firm 'no' and putting down. Hope things are sorted for you now x

[matana]

cory has hit the nail on the head. My 2yo sees other children crying and says "Crying. Naughty." We never tell him crying is naughty (because it's not) but yet he associates crying and being naughty because 'naughty' is a word he's only just learned to say and he tends to be having a crying, screaming, kicking tantrum when we occasionally get cross with him. He is only just beginning to put labels to emotions but still gets 'sad' and 'angry' mixed up. So, for example, he watches Finding Nemo when Marlin is chasing the boat and says "Marlin angry!" and i have to say "No, Marlin is sad and scared because his baby is gone. He's not angry." It's times like that i realise how little and innocent my baby still is, for all his bravado.

[cory]

Add message | Report | Message poster GypsyTaylor Tue 08-Jan-13 21:58:31
"I'm not accusing a baby of having adult emotions I'm saying that when I tells her no, she comes back and does it again and again. She know what no means and I class that as spiteful behaviour that needs to stop. My girl can speak lots of words, and respond if I say things like change your nappy, lay down, eat your dinner, etc she understands me, so why can't she understand that straching biting and hitting are wrong? "

Because children's development is gradual. They understand the words for objects, like "nappy" years before they understand abstract concepts like "right" and "wrong". Even a 2yo who repeats the word "naughty" after mummy doesn't have the same understanding as an adult about the moral depths of naughty.

And even with objects, development is gradual: they'll learn the word for "doggie" but may then say "doggie" of all four-legged animals because they haven't, as it were, understood the full concept of "doggie" and what it is that makes a "doggie" different from a "horsie".
(When dd called the young assistant in the butcher's shop "dadddy" she wasn't making suggestions about my private life: she just thought that was a word for grown-up men).

To say, why doesn't she understand "wrong" when she understands "nappy" is a bit like asking me why I don't understand Einstein's theory of relativity when I understand the Highway Code. One is rather more difficult than the other.

Some children do do it more than others; that's not because they are spiteful but because being naturally more boisterous their explorative behaviour will hurt more. They can't understand that any more than the non-boisterous 1yos actually understand that they are being good.

[SolomanDaisy]

I have a 1 year-old. I don't know any 1 year-olds who don't do this. They are way too young to have any concept of right and wrong.

[pictish]

As soon as she does anything like it, put her straight down with a sharp NO! NO BITING! - then walk away from her.

[mindosa]

Gosh she is not spiteful just frustrated that she doesnt have words so is acting out physically

[strumpetpumpkin]

she can't put herself in your shoes to know that it hurts, although she probably enjoys the fact she gets a reaction. This is normal. Spiteful is the wrong word.
As long as you are consistent about putting her down and ignoring her when she does it rather than giving a reaction, then eventually it will stop being fun.
Its no more spiteful than when a puppy nips. Its actually her playing, but its all about teaching her what is acceptable and what isnt.
She will grow out of it

[matana]

My DS has reduced me to tears sometimes, not because he has really hurt me physically but because i was trying to ascribe my adult emotions to a baby. Consequently on one or two occasions i took his biting/ hitting either as a personal insult or wondered what i was doing wrong as a mum and whether he was going to be a bully when was older! What everyone above said - they are just not capable of understanding how their actions impact on others until they are much, much older. They see everything as new, exciting, an experiment at that age and will do almost anything they can to get a funny reaction. Not so funny for us though!

DS is 2.1 now and rarely hits any more - and when he does it's more a tiny protest and he lacks the conviction to carry through on his full strength! At 1yo i used to say "Ouch! That hurts mummy, we don't hit." and then distract him with a favourite toy. If he did it again, i would calmly place him on the floor and get on with what i was doing previously. As they get older and can understand more you can get a bit tougher with them - but still i try very hard not to shout at him. Your actions speak far louder than words. At 2yo intervention is the best way - you learn to see it happen before it does and you intervene. If it's too late then you can get them to understand cause and effect "I'm sad/ upset because you hit me/ him/ her and it hurts when you hit. Say sorry please - it will make them feel better." It's along, slow process and there will always be blips. Just be consistent and respond in an age appropriate manner. Good luck.

[marzipananimal]

I sympathise, it's really hard not to get cross or take it personally when they really hurt you (esp repeatedly)!
DS was a biter and I had some success at about 13-14 months with plonking him in the travel cot for a mini time out the moment he bit me. Had a little bit of success too with giving him a toy to bite instead and saying 'you don't bite mummy, if you want to bite, you can bite this'.

[MurderOfGoths]

"Spiteful" would mean that she understands what she does. She doesn't at 1!

DS scratches and hits me, he isn't spiteful he's just discovering new sensations. And he does it over and over again because he doesn't understand that it hurts. Telling him "no" also means little, as far as I can tell he enjoys seeing the different expression on my face. It's like a game to him, he doesn't understand consequences.

It's the same reason he hits himself in the face with his toys, he cries every single time but still cannot see a correlation between toy in face and pain. That will take time.

Not reacting seems to be the best plan, and gently (without any fuss) restraining him from doing it. Other than that you just seem to have to put up with it until they learn better.

Spite really really doesn't come into it.

[MumsKnitter]

I would try very hard not to tell her off at all. I have an autistic son who went through a very difficult violent phase as a toddler. He loved being told off, and I found it was much better to distract him and try to show no reaction. I learnt to spot it coming and head it off before it happened. When I was telling him off, it simply encouraged him all the more. He was simply trying to communicate.

[LineRunner]

Lots of good advice here on how to deal with it nicely and effectively, so good luck.

[AitchTwoOhOneTwo]

okay, it's just that you said 'really angry', and you did repeatedly say 'spiteful', which a baby is simply not capable of being. is it that english isn't your first language, maybe?

[GypsyTaylor]

My husband weren't angry at the babe he is a gentle kind man, maybe more shocked that he had his nose bit so hard, he wasn't pleased but it's the first time china has bitten him, I'm glad it wasn't me Cor I bet that hurt!! :)

[AitchTwoOhOneTwo]

if your dp gets angry with a one year old, you need parenting classes imo.

[MrsHoarder]

Ds wraps his arms around my neck and them digs his nails in or pulls my hair. I tell him to hug gently and try to keep my hair in a high bun out of his reach.

Its a phase it will pass, but right now she's trying to hug/touch you and getting it wrong, not deliberately attacking you. Stay calm and move her away when she hurts you.

[sweetkitty]

It's hard sometimes when your lovely baby batters you. DS went through a biting me phase, then a hitting phase. Currently he is obsessed with my hair. He's 2.7yo now so tells me he loves my hair but loving it means pulling it and eating it.

If she hits you tell her no it hurts Mummy, Mummyblikes cuddles instead and cuddle her. If she hits you again say NO and walk away from her or our her down and ignore her for a minute, then go back give her a cuddle, cuddles nice, hitting is not nice. repeat repeat repeat she will grow out of it

[HoratiaWinwood]

She doesn't understand that it hurts you - or she doesn't make that link when she does it. It's a Theory of Mind thing that is a year off or more.

Modelling good behaviour eg gentle touch, showing her how to stroke rather than pinch and pull, and kiss rather than bite, is good.

I think it's far more likely she is exploring bodies and cause and effect than being spiteful. And even if she is trying to get a hurt reaction from you, that's exploration rather than spite.

DS2 is 21m and similarly violent - but being put out of reach - eg on our naughty spot, or down from my lap - and being ignored for a bit is getting the message through.

And my older child didn't really do it either!

[nickelbabe]

ps: your dp getting angry at a baby is very unfair.
dd has just tried to eat dh'snose (she doesn't do sleep) and dh went "awww gerrorf !" and laughed while trying to fight her off.

[nickelbabe]

she doesn't understand that she's hurting you.

dd is 1.
she is trying to show her affection and that she loves me by sticking her fingers in my rise and eye and mouth.
when she grabs my head and hair, she's trying to explore every bit of me.
when i react in pain, hold her hand and push her away, she assumes it's a game and giggles and does it more.
if she hurts me, i take both of her wrists and say to her with a serious face "don't do that" and then put her down or ob the other side of the room
once she's calmed down, i pick her up and cuddle her.

she goes to bite my nose when she wants her milk because all babies know that milk also comes out of noses!
it's not malicious or spiteful, it's a very loose understanding of how the world works.