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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Don't like Daddy

14 replies

exbury · 12/04/2006 13:20

My 3 year old son has taken to telling his father that he (or sometimes one of his stuffed animals) "doesn't like Daddy" - and refusing to give Daddy cuddles, etc. He shocked us both this morning by announcing that if he got money he would be nice to Daddy - I have NO idea where he got that one from. I have tried explaining that these are mean things to say to Daddy, and that it upsets him, but to no avail. I am convinced that my husband is not helping by "turning off" in the face of this treatment and refusing hugs/kisses when they are offered.

Any suggestions?

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dieselten · 12/04/2006 13:58

This sounds soooo familiar. My ds (aged 4)is in the same place. Lots of hugs and kisses for mummy but none for daddy, This morning he told dh that he would give him a hug but only if he read him a story and at the weekend he told dh that he wanted him to die (!!!!!!) so he could have mummy all to himself! My sister is a psychotherapist and says this is textbook oedipal stuff and perfectly normal. It's hard but whenever he is refused a hug my dh just shrugs and says something along the lines of OK but whenever you do want to hug me, I'm always here and I'll always want to hug you back.

littlemisspiggy · 12/04/2006 14:01

Hi Exbury,
my DS went through a phase like this at around the same age. He would say "I no love Daddy only Mummy" and when asked if he loved Daddy he said "no only Mummy". I think it was triggered because somewhere along the line my DH said to him "You don't love the Daddy" jokingly if DS had turned down a cuddle from him and I think maybe DS took it to mean "you shouldn't love Daddy". I might be barking up the wrong tree but he kept this up for quite a while (months) and like your DH my DH would respond by taking it personally and "turning off", as you say, and just making it worse. Happily both of them seem to have grown out of it.
I would suggest that your DH persevere and carry on giving your DS loads of kisses and cuddles regardless to make your DS feel loved whatever(after all why should DS have to 'earn' them). I'm sure things will get better.

Northerner · 12/04/2006 14:01

My ds (just 4) does this with my Mum. He refuses to hug or kiss her, he knows it upsets her but continues.

They are bug*ers aren't they?

Socci · 12/04/2006 14:09

I think you need to make sure you don't inadvertently react too much (as is the normal thing to do) because your son will realise he has a powerful weapon.

WigWamBam · 12/04/2006 14:12

Best thing is not to react at all - and certainly not for Daddy to refuse to hug or kiss your ds. By telling him that it's mean and upsets Daddy you give your son another tool that he can manipulate you with.

I would just say "Oh, but I love you", and walk away. It takes his ammunition away from him.

zephyrcat · 12/04/2006 14:16

My DD does this as well. She is fine with me but more often than not doesn't like/love Daddy. My dp is the same as yours Exbury and will react to her doing it by 'turning off' as well and a typical conversation between them is something like "No I don't love you, go away" to which dp will react "Ok then we won;t do painting/go to park" etc which really annoys me as I think he should react in the way that dieselten's does. Hopefully it's another phase she'll grow out of!

Normsnockers · 12/04/2006 14:35

This all rather familiar.

ds (3) says "I want you mummy" in front of dh and won't let dh do bedtime stories.

Daddy can do bathtime but he yells I want my mummy when it comes to getting out and dried and if I don't go it's horrible cos he sobs etc.

I kind of feel that if dh would take the time to do the stuff that ds really likes but that is time consuming with clearing up to do afterwards such as painting etc he'd be less partisan with his affection. Dh doesn't watch children's TV or a video with ds, talking about the program, he reads the paper instead and ds notices all this stuff.

He has had phases of preferring dh before (they were bliss while it lasted !) but we seem to be stuck in the present phase and dh feels put out and sometimes turns away instead of just joining in with ds and I.

I agree that your dh should not refuse affection when it is offered.

Is there something that your ds particularly loves to do that you could restrict to just being offered or done by dh for a while ? We do this with computer time, I say we need Daddy to fix it for us and when Daddy is home he "fixes" it so that ds can have some time on the computer which he adores.

Socci · 12/04/2006 14:44

WWB - I completely agree - you've said what I was trying too much better!

Socci · 12/04/2006 14:44

Original poster

exbury · 13/04/2006 09:31

Thanks for all the advice - good to know this is not uncommon! I guess I am mostly annoyed with DH for his reaction - so, as someone said, I will have to hope it is a phase they both grow out of!

OP posts:

WigWamBam · 13/04/2006 09:57

Don't wait for your dh to grow out of it ... you'll wait forever! And the longer your dh continues, the more your ds will use his daddy's behaviour to manipulate you both. He is the adult here - talk to him, show him this thread if you feel you can, and tell him that his behaviour is part of the problem. He needs to understand that his reaction can actually change your son's behaviour.

Passionflower · 13/04/2006 10:23

DD2 is going though a "I don't like Daddy" phase atm not helped by the fact that he is hardly home during the week because of work. She won't even look at him at the moment which is worrying me mightily .

stoppinattwo · 13/04/2006 18:54

When he says he doesnt love daddy have you tried saying, well i love daddy? and I hug daddy. Both mine also went through the I hate daddy phase and sometimes they told daddy they hated me! . It was dh's idea when they said it about me, he said "well if you wont kiss mummy goodnight then I'll just have to instead, bet i can do it before you can"
I had to fight them off, It felt a bit of a con trick but they never really did it again. Not gospel that it works but might be worth a try.

BibBabBob · 13/04/2006 20:00

Slightly different but my 9 month old ds seems to prefer daddy to me- boo hoo. He's quite happy with either us but when we're both in the room he'll reach out for his dad. feel quite rejected and no idea what i've done. DP says its probably because he sees less of him than me but I've recently started back at work and we haven't really any changes.

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