4 year old DD not settling at school

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Says it all. She is in tears in the morning when I say it's a school day, tells me over and over again she doesn't want to go in and though she doesn't cry when she gets there, she is very reluctant to go in. We have spoken to the teacher and TA and they have been really helpful. We have a number of strategies in place to help and she is making friends, but it's still difficult. I think, really, she's just too young (she will be 5 in June), is shy, and is a young 4 iyswim. I am at a loss. I don't want to force her in, and make her dislike something I know she will enjoy when she is older. The school take them in FT from September, which is what we've been doing, but I am wondering if it might be helpful to see if she can just do till lunchtimes (I am self employed so could manage it). But then that might undermine her confidence. I really don't know what to do.

I've gone the other way, I have a reluctant attendee, so my arrangement is we will get there in our own time, so if DC is upset in morning we wait for them to come around, we aim to get them there for start of school, but any tears etc, we sit them out, the therapist I spoke said there is no need to force them to go, but not to make it too pleasant to stay home.

So although I dont force DC to school against their will, I do say no toys or TV, - I have noticed a significant improvement since then, and last week they had an award.

I hated dragging DC in crying and one day I just said to the teacher - enough, I am not doing this any more and this is a solution that works for us.

I am worried, DC is like my sister, she hated school from the day she started to the day she left at 16, but DC does seem to like school, once there, its the going that bothers them.

had same prob with dd. youngminds.org were very helpful. dd had separation anxiety. She was 4 too. I ended up home ed, then going to new school with dd for about 4 months until she was cured. Don't manipulate/trick/force her, it will make her worse

good luck, it is solveable

Do the school run parent children days - our's isn't until March but it means I can go in for about 2 hours and spend time working with her so she can show me stuff. I would go in with her after school to her class room and let her show you around - might help to show her how much she knows and be a positive thing?

I'm sure it will improve and it's good the school is working with you. Do you know any other parents? Could you invite a friend over for tea one night/weekend to help boost a friendship?

Really hope things get better soon x

Aw my DD was the same last year. Also a June birthday and young for her age but normally quite confident.

She just really struggled with the transition from her nursery to school, where she didn't really know anyone - and the teacher didn't help as he was quite unsympathetic. It was really difficult, heartbreaking really :( and I seriously considered pulling her out or changing schools.

Things are soooooo much better in Year 1, she loves her teachers, has a 'best friend' and has got much more involved in school life. I guess all that changed is that she's 5 now and the right age, so the whole school thing clicked.

I do think things are particularly tough for just 4 yos starting school, and I do think it's too young (emotionally) for many. I wish they still staggered starting school by the term your birthday falls in like they did when I was a kid, and like they do for nursery children.

Last year my one started school after just turning 4 end of August being the youngest is quite tough sometimes although mine was not reluctant to go but was having problems adjusting was making friends without problem but the whole school thing is different to what they are used to. The only thing I can tell you is it just takes time but she will be ok hopefully she has teachers that can help her.

Thank you all for this advice; very helpful. I think going into the class room would be a good idea (they're always asking for volunteers), so will get on to that. And be a bit more relaxed about attendance. Thank you again.

they have offered me to go in, but I thought it would confuse matter, but then different things worlk for different children.