Am I expecting too much of my 3 year old?

[PoisonMountain]

He is driving me crazy! Every time I ask him to do anything, he just ignores me. Things like get your coat, shoes, don't touch that its hot, pick that up, you can have x after we have done y, please tell me if you need the potty etc. He also gets put in the corner if he hits DD too many times.

I started asking him why he was in the corner, he says "hug". I say to him "you are in the corner because you hit DD. why are you in the corner?" He says "hug". I ask him several times to do something but he just ignores me. I ask him to look at me (which usually involves me putting my face between him and what he is trying to do) and tell him again. Then ask him what I just told him. He has no idea. Surely by now he should be able to follow an instruction and repeat (I'm not expecting verbatim!) what I said to him several times over the past minute or so.

Argh, he really is annoying me. I know his hearing is ok because he can hear me quietly opening a packet of biscuits from the other side of the flat, his memory seems to be ok as he can remember things he wants to remember. Like that DH promised on Friday to take him out in the snow at the weekend (at 6 am on saturday morning he was sitting on my pillow thumping DH on the head saying "snow, snow" ).

I'm actually beginning to wonder if he understands anything I say. But then I think he must understand me. Any advice?

Do hug when he asks, he needs to know you love him no matter what. His biggest worry is you won't ever stop being cross at him, he can't think beyond that.

Sounds like you are expecting too much. It is normal for 3yo to not be able to multitask or juggle priority of demands placed on them. Demands include all the other interesting things they'd like to be doing. 3yos are more distracted than 2yos were.

When you want him to do something stop everything else you are doing & make it clear he must do it now, ask him to do one thing at a time and see that it's done, gently but firmly. Make eye contact when you are giving instructions (as simple as possible). Help him get away from his distractions.

Like this: "Put your coat on. Tom did you hear me? Look at me. Look at my eyes. What did I just ask you to do?... No, put down the car, it's time to go. Look at me. Good boy. Now, put your coat on, can you do that?... Good Lad, off you go.... Good Boy. Look at me, please. Now put your shoes on.... Well done!"

Ask him to repeat it back?

I do ask him to repeat it back. He looks at me blankly and says "aeroplane" or some other random word.

I don't give him a list of things to do because he has absolutely no concept of 'let's do this and then we can do that.' I try to give him ample warning and keep things simple but he only listens if it coincides with what he wants to do. Anything else is met with a blank stare and if I insist, then either a tantrum or outright refusal to do it e.g. When I ask him to put his coat on or put his puzzles away.

My DS is doing the same thing. And it is clearly a power play! He ignores me when he doesn't want to do something or can't be bothered to make a choice. It is so infuriating.

I'm working along the lines of removing what he is doing/watching and making sure he does do what I have asked. Then I tell him it's not ok to ignore people. If be any be bothered to make a choice then I make it for him and ride the tantrum.

It's definitely deliberate, as if its something he wants he can hear/ understand or choose easily.

Sorry, very poor english there. Trying to get DS dressed!

That sounds a bit contradictory! The only times I say to do x then y is when he desperately needs a nappy change or he has loads of toys out and wants to get more out and I tell him to put some away before getting more out.

Lots and lots and lots of positive praise when he follows your instructions too. The "hug, hug" could also be him wanting a "good" moment of 1:1

How is his spoken language? If you think he doesn't understand your instructions (and this can lookalike naughtiness) then I'd consider asking your hv for a speech and Lang referral.

I would speak to the HV about it. It sounds like maybe his language skills are a bit behind and so either he can't understand what you are asking or he can't express what he thinks about it and so you get a massive tantrum. When you talk to him, do you speak as you would an adult or simplify it a bit? With my DS I would say "coat on please" rather than "please put your blue coat on now DS as otherwise we are going to be late" as if I said the second he would not get the message and would ignore it.

That's not to say that there isn't some selective hearing going on as well though! To deal with that I tend to do 1 2 3 magic! So I ask him to do it nicely, I ask him one more time then I count to 3 and if he hasn't done it I do it. If I ask him A or B and he doesn't choose after two times I choose. It tends to speed things up and he knows what will happen if he doesn't play the game.

Re the hug, hug thing, my DS did this as I told him what he had done wrong and why it was wrong then we had a hug, so when he was 2ish he would go straight for the hug bit to avoid the telling off! But I would probably expect a three year old to be a bit further on.

Just ask the HV and out your mind at rest, if he is a bit behind you can help him catch up again, it's not a major issue. There are lots of hints and tips they can give you to make your and DS's lives easier.

If he can't generally follow instructions, I would speak to the HV. He may need an assessment from the speech & language therapist just to make sure there are no underlying issues.

Thanks for the replies. His language is improving rapidly at the moment. He's starting to have proper little conversations (very repetitive!) he says things like "there she is" when DD crawls round the corner. If I ask him what he did at nursery he says things like "DS play X, DS play Y, DS push X, DS hit Y" . At least he's honest! If we're out and about he points things out "bus/buggy/car got wheels, bus/train got doors, doors are closed, lights are on" that kind of thing.

I try to organise it so that we do something nice together whilst DD naps, but more often than not he refuses to do things, throws a tantrum or deliberately wakes her. He has a cold, so I've just had to leave DD alone and crying for the past half an hour so I can get him to sleep (he won't sleep unless in my arms). So it's not like he never has time alone with me.

Apologise if this has already been said but i would reduce the amount of language you are using, 3 word instructions are far more effective than 6 word ones.

Always say his name before the instruction so that he knows the information is for him.

So say his name, pause for 2-3 seconds to give him time to proccess then the instruction "Shoes on".

Try using a sing song voice so it doesnt sound like a sergeant major. I know it doesnt sound very polite but believe me it does help.

In the meantime see you HV or GP about a speech and lang referral. There will be a long wait so if he improves while on the waiting list you can just phone them and say he no longer needs to be seen.

Good luck

The positive parenting parade is about to flame me, but with my nearly 3.6 year old, I can't use positives to get him to do something. He doesn't want a treat. He wants to know what will happen if he doesn't do something.

"If you don't do Y, you won't get to X." And follow through.

He usually isn't interested in a treat. He wants to avoid a punishment.

And do give hugs when he says 'hug'. Nothing is more important than that!

I have to use that technique with my Dd3 tee she has ASD and doesnt get reward based behaviour strategies at all.

I say very plainly "Do xxxx or xxxx wont happen!"

Very mean I know but we have loads of positive stuff going on it just doesnt work with demand avoidance.

Exactly, Ineedpigsinblankets.

He gets tons of praise when he does do something, obviously, and tons of love and affection, but to get him to actually do anything, there has to be a consequence if he doesn't.

"Do X and you'll get Y." Gets me nowhere!

What PigsInBlanket said may backfire, though, I am convinced that DC language development has been the poorer for me doing too simple instructions ("Tom: shoes on") etc.

Does he easily follow instructions if it's something he's keen to do?

Right, I've been trying to objectively see when and what he does if I ask him. I've come to the conclusion that he does what I ask him about 50% of the time, not necessarily the first time I ask him.
He always take his socks off inside (why, I have no idea, he has freezing feet). He picked them up and brought them to me. I asked him to take them to his bedroom. He looked blankly at me so I told him to put them on his bed. I later found them on my bed.
Me asking him "What did I say?" When i asked him something results in a parrot "what I say". (But this is new, only in the past day or so)

I tried to make some Christmas decorations today, which went surprisingly well, but he still didn't listen when I was trying to tell/show him how to make them and so we gave up in the end.

Reading the whole thread it seems to me that he is having a language delay perhaps. Have you asked his keyworker at nursery how she thinks he's doing with his communication?

I think he needs a hearing test and to been seen by a speech and language specialist. I am no expert, but it's possible there's something a but more complicated going on which needs addressing.

Sounds to me like a hearing issue too. Isn't the rustling thing ( I mean the biscuit opening) a different kind of sound to consonants and vowels? Have you tried visual cues to show him what you want him to do...like a picture of coat or shoes when you want him to put them on? Another way to do it is to always talk about what you are doing, as you do it, so" Tom is putting his shoes on" helps him to link words with actions. That's if you think he is isn't linking words with actions.
I have an ASD child of 10 who has no hearing issues, yet you can say several times to him, put your shoes on, and he will look at you blankly, until you pick up the shoes and offer them to him, at which point he will put them on with alacrity. He literally doesn't seem to grasp what I am asking, although will discuss very sophisticated ideas with me. So it isn't intelligence, it is what professionals might call a processing disorder. With my child he is thinking about other things, and can't really focus on what he considers unimportant!

Not saying that is your child's problem but worth checking out whether it is physical lack of hearing or the way you are telling him that affects his comprehension.

It is very sweet that he says "hug". He really wants to please you.

Btw, I would crack down on the hitting of dd though. I wouldn't wait till he has done it several times before removing him. I would immediately act, comfort her, talk to her, ignore him when he is hitting, if necessary remove him from area, but don't react to him in a way that might make him think that hitting gets loads of attention from you (ie: don't tell him off vociferously, get angry, make it up etc etc)

Also remembering things like the snow is consistent with not taking a lot of lesser things. My son has an incredible memory for some things yet fails to remember much more obvious things that you would think easier to remember. That it is because they are less interesting, although obvious.

My DD is 3.7 and I as advised to start whispering my requests. Wow what a difference, took about 36 hours and she no longer ignores me - well at least most of the time.

Right, I've spoken to his group leader at nursery/crèche. We're not in the UK so he doesn't go to pre-school and won't until mid 2014. She said that she'd not really marked it out as being a problem, but yes he should be able to do a bit more than he does. She also doesn't think there's anything wrong with his hearing because he does seem to listen, but doesn't always process what he's being asked to do. She says that he's not always very clear when he speaks to them and she was quite surprised at how clearly he speaks when he talks to me (I've been spending a bit of time there recently as DD has been having problems settling in) but he is improving dramatically at the moment. One of the students who works in the group has just been given a list of things that children should be able to do by a certain age like how they walk down stairs, can they draw a face etc. She's going to ask her to bring it in and they will look at the list and see what he can and cant do over the next few weeks. She suggested I mention it to the paediatrician at the next check up (which isn't until next November, so I might take them both to DD's 1 year check in a couple of months) but she doesn't think it's anything worth worrying about at the moment, but to keep an eye on it.

We have been managing with lots of hugs and I've discovered that he will willingly come and get his coat and shoes on so long as he can cuddle Barbapapa at the same time. I've been trying to simplify instructions and explanations to him and think I am guilty of re-phrasing things when he doesn't do what I ask the first time. Probably because I think he hasn't understood me so I try another way but maybe this is the wrong way to go about it.

He has surprised me today with some new sentences so it seems that he is actually learning something when we look at books together. I'm trying to encourage him to draw but he's more interested in putting the lids back on the pens.

Re the hitting. He gets three warnings then has to sit in the corner. This is the same system they use at crèche so it seems sensible to carry it on at home. Except he then gets no further warnings. He has been a lot better recently, he didn't have to sit out yesterday and he has been a bit more accepting of DD playing with her toys.

Have seen others recommend not giving a toddler choices as they don?t always cope well with too much choice, maybe between A and B but no more than that. If it is something important I don?t give ours (2.3yrs) a choice, it?s just we are doing this now (going home from CMs after long day at work) etc. Small compromises such as a different hat or choice of coats can work as a distraction when the real issue is having to get up and get ready to go out to childminders so I can get to work, not which hat/coat she wants to wear (getting ready in the morning is extremely inconvenient for a busy toddler who likes to stay in her pjs, so she often complains about it). If the small choices don?t work as a distraction on that occasion I don?t provide more choices though, we just have to get on with it. Think selective hearing or ignoring is likely to be a choice not to hear something they don?t want to do/accept/isn?t convenient for them. It?s just a stage, or so I am told!

Agree you need to hug your child if your child asks for hug. You still need to show them you love them even if they are being infuriating! We always give hugs after ours has had a trantrum, even if she doesnt "ask" for them, as she shows signs of sadness/tearyness after a tantrum and she needs reassurance.