Don't know what to do

[steben]

Am sat here in tears. Dd1 is upstairs screaming the place down after refusing to eat breakfast - this is the tip of the iceberg of some truly terrible behaviour since dd2 arrived 4 weeks ago. She had gone from being your average two year old to some kind of demon - DH and I are having rows over how to deal with her - he wants to lock her in her room and make her do what was originally asked. I cannot take the screaming so am sat here weeping whilst he storms about the house. I can hear her throwing stuff in her room - is this normal - did your dc1 react like this to number 2?! We have tried to do everything right - we have both spent lots of time with her individually etc she is Kept busy with lots of activities etc .... I don't know what to do I didn't think it would be this hard with 2.

How old is she?

It is very common.

What do you do when she plays up like this? In the breakfast example, I would just take it away and say, calmly, "OK, I'll just put it over here." and carry on ignoring her.

Completely normal, she needs reassurance that she is still special and that she still has a place in your heart that is all. No matter how well we prepare them 2 year olds don't really understand what that baby in your tummy means until it actually arrives. Your DH is the one who is not helping by acting like a child too. The phase does pass, can you let her help with the baby? It might help her to feel special and grown up, when the baby is asleep try to grab a bit of time where you can concentrate on her and do things she likes.

She is 2.8 - we have the naughty step and she gets 123 warnings before she is put there. DH seems to think that because she goes mad when she is locked in room with gate and door shut that this is effective. I do not. We are doing it all - she is helping and I am trying very hard to give her special time and attention - I am so sleep deprived and I just don't know if I can do this.

Even if you didn't have a new baby, 2 year olds have some interesting behaviours anyway!

We went pretty easy on our toddler when we had dc2. She watched a lot of cbeebies and ate a lot of sweets! Decide what's truly non-negotiable (ours was no violence, brush your teeth and wear reins or go in buggy when out) and let other things slide a bit for a few weeks. She is only 2, if she wants to wear pyjamas to nursery or eat rice crispies for tea the world won't end.

It is HARD dealing with a new baby. It is HARD dealing with a toddler. It is HARD being displaced as the baby of the family, add all this together...

In A few weeks things will have settled down but till then soft play and DVDs are your friend, and kids can be persuaded to do most things for raisins, strawberries or chocolate buttons!

I do time outs in the car. She's strapped in so can't hurt herself or baby and I can't hear her screeching as clearly with the car door closed! It helps her calm down and I go out once the screaming stops with drink and cuddles. Keep going, it gets a lot better very quickly. Our baby is 6m now and they are so sweet together (mostly!)

Ignore her.
It won't hurt not to have breakfast.
"You don't want breakfast. Never mind. Let me know when you're hungry and I'll get it."

Praise her for helping. "Well done for picking up that spoon. Can you put it away? You're such a big girl. Mummy's special helper"

Give her special time-like go up to the shops together, read a book. Do something that the baby can't do. I know one mum who took her daughter to have her nails painted (was older though) simply because the daughter knew that babies don't have that done, so it made it a special time.

Have you got her a doll and she can do the same with doll as you do with baby?

Lots of children do react like this-and become loving siblings. And some children who adore the baby hate them when they grow bigger and interfere with them.

Does she have to eat breakfast at the time you want her to? I find that 2 year olds will eat when they are hungry. Some children don't like eating early but will hapilly eat at 10am. So if you are not having to rush out of the house first thing in the morning, delay breakfast to a latter time.

2 year olds want attention. She has competition in getting that attention, so she has to try harder to get it and screaming may be her way to try to get it.
Give her a cuddle, it can help calm them down and help reassure them that you love them, even if you don't like their actions.

Terrible twos, Troublesome threes, fearsome fours, firey fives - kids are such fun!

Thanks for replies - think am just having one of those days when everything is getting on top of me. Some good suggestions I will take on board - the worst thing is that has gone from going to bed well and sleeping til morn to refusing to go to bed and then waking in night demanding milk/coming in with us as she can knows baby is there. So on top of being up every couple of hours with newborn I am coaxing her back to bed with whatever it takes

Can she have a little bed in your room? Old cot mattress on floor maybe? DD has this and knows she can come in but is not to disturb anybody. She is age where they do start to be scared of dark etc and as you say, baby is in there do she will find it very hard to understand why she has to stay alone while everyone else is together.

You might get more sleep too?

Not sure if I want to go down that road as dd2 will only be in with us until she outgrows Moses basket as we can't fit cot in our tiny room let alone a mattress for dd2! I do let her get in if she is scared etc but then none of us get any sleep. I just hope this is a phase which passes when they are both up in the night it is like torture!

There will likely be a slight improvement once you move the baby out of your room then :)

Agree with DeWe. I'd ignore the tantrums otherwise you could start a cycle of your dd thinking that bad behaviour gets your attention.

xzWe had lots of this with DS1 (2.10) when DS2 arrived. He's very chilled normally, but we've had lots of night waking, food refusal, tantrums etc.

It's much better now 5 weeks later, although it's clear we've not returned to a new 'normal' yet.

We just let him eat what he wanted when he wanted for a while and didn't make a fuss.

DH deals with DS1 at night and comes to get me if he is inconsolable. It's meant that DH hasn't been able to do much practically around the house as he's having to go to bed early / get up late due to DS1's poor sleep, but that's really helped.