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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

8 year old DD has no respect for anything....

19 replies

wangle99 · 04/04/2006 13:31

Is this just the age she is at?

She is 9 years old in June and currently has no respect for anything that belongs to her or anyone else. Her attitude if something is lost or broken 'oh well it will get fixed/replaced so it doesn't matter'.

We have tried explaining that isn't the way to be, its more important to take care of possessions but it's not getting through.

Help before I take a stick to her and BEAT it into her

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

muma3 · 04/04/2006 13:43

my dd1 will be 9 in nov and she is mildly the same. doesnt matter how much i tell her to look after things i still find them under tumble dryer on outside front door. ill ask her where is and she will say she doesnt know like it doesnt matter.

think its the age. just make sure you dont replace things that she has lost or broke then she might start realising that she has to look after what she has

muma3 · 04/04/2006 13:43

think its the age. just make sure you dont replace things that she has lost or broke then she might start realising that she has to look after what she has

goldenoldie · 04/04/2006 15:45

Our DS1, 10, is exactly the same. I have no solution. The choice is to either follow him around and clear up his mess/buy, again, things he has 'lost'/fix things he has broken, or not.

The problem with the 'not' is that house quickly resembles a tip, and normal life is not possible because of the aggro caused by the 'lost' swimming/PE/football kit/library book/homework/bus pass/school newsletter/coat/jumper.......................

When you find the answer, let me know.

tegan · 04/04/2006 20:12

My dd1 will be 8 at the end of this month and we are having exactly the same problems.
All I seem to do is scream at her and she does not give a shit.
I have even told her that social services will come and get her at the end of the holidays if her attitude doesn't improve. WTF will I do if things don't change.

Sparklemagic · 04/04/2006 21:09

tegan, stop the screaming at her and threats of social services! You might as well be doing nothing as you're currently gtting no response, right?

So just calm down, bin the hysterical approach (though I KNOW this is enough to drive you hysterical!) because she is not silly, she knows that nothing really happens - only shouting. No social services will appear so you are just undermining yourself by using empty threats....

Try using her pocket money to replace things she breaks? Or if wilful damage, witholding pocket money or a usual treat? Using a 'carrot' approach by saying that if she can be a big girl and not lose or break something for a week she can have an outing or something she wants?

This can be a vicious cycle and the key word is respect - the angrier you get, the more you scream at her and the less respect she gets from you - therefore the less respect she gives back to you or to things.

What do you think, have you tried it all already?!??

starlover · 04/04/2006 21:17

why does she think like that? i mean, if she breaks a toy do you replace it?

if so, then stop.

if she breaks something through carelessness then don't replace it, or make her earn money to replace it

jambot · 05/04/2006 11:03

For everything she breaks, confiscate a perfectly good toy. Tell her she has to earn it back by showing you that she can look after things more carefully and realises that things and money don't grow on trees.

secur · 05/04/2006 11:23

neither of my dds have been like this (10 and 8) I think it is because at an early age they realised that I was not going to pick up after them and if something got broken I would ask "where was it" if the answer was "on the floor/in the garden etc then I would say "what a silly place to leave it" and no amount of screaming would get any more response than that! (although things like "DS threw it down the stairs" would get a much more sympathetic response - such as why did you leave it where he could get it ) Worked for me - maybe you could try a variation on this (rather cruel) theme?

wangle99 · 05/04/2006 15:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Tortington · 05/04/2006 15:59

at the risk of sounding extremely rude. why arn't you disciplining for these acts?

Original poster

wangle99 · 05/04/2006 17:57

custardo - to be honest I'm not entirely sure what successfully to do at this age. This probably sounds weak but haven't a clue! Obviously I talk to her about why its wrong not to listen/take care with possessions but not sure what else to do.

Suggestions greatfully received!

OP posts:

Blandmum · 05/04/2006 17:59

Well, I start by stopping replacing things when she breaks them. Bin bag other items which she gets back when she can learn how to treat things properly.

Withdrawal of priveledges.

Take her pocket money to replace necessary items

make it clear that bad behaviour has unpleasent consequences

Tortington · 05/04/2006 23:37

no tv.
no games
maths sheets from the internet
hoover the stairs
clean the toilet
wash the pots - for a week
wash the clothes in the basket - at 9 she can use the washing machine

quanglewangle · 05/04/2006 23:55

My ds2 is the same. It used to make me angry until I realised that he took no more care of his own things than anybody else's and what's more, he didn't mind if anybody else damaged his own belongings. He is aquisitive but doen't get attached to his belongings and trades them with his friends as soon as he is bored with them.
I don't understand this mentality, think he must be a changeling, but no point punishing him. It is just his outlook on life.

ggglimpopo · 06/04/2006 07:34

My nine year old would not behave like this - she has seen the custardo-stalinist-type system in use (on her sisters); it works

I don't replace, btw. Lost or broken stuff - esp if done intentionally, is not replaced. But I am a witch mother.

ghosty · 06/04/2006 08:17

DS was 5 when he wilfully broke something that did not belong to him (a remote controlled car). It may sound harsh but we made him take his remote controlled car to a charity shop
It was awful and traumatic for all of us but it worked and he has shown a lot more respect for things since then (he is 6 and a half now).
I agree with those who say, Why replace them? and Why buy her things? if she has no respect for them?

batters · 06/04/2006 08:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

quanglewangle · 06/04/2006 09:03

My ds genuinely doesn't care about his posessions. He shrugs his shoulders and moves on. He doesn't care whether it is replaced or not - lack of replacement made absolutlely no difference.
But I should stress it is not wanton destruction - it is either accidental damage through carelessness or curiosity that makes him dismantle things.

MrsMaple · 06/04/2006 17:25

It's difficult to fight todays culture too - which is one of instant gratification and easily acquired things. They learn when they are 4 or 5 that there a lot of things out there that they could or can have, that it's a disposable market of cheap, plastic toys.
If the only toy they'd owned as toddlers was a hand-carved train engine then by the time they are 8/9 they'd really appreciate anything new that's given to them. So stop the rot now! Otherwise you'll have a nightmare teenager on your hands. Keep what they have to a minimum, don't replace what is lost or broken, help them to keep their things organized. Pretend it's 1945 basically.

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