unhelpful judgements

[Carruthers]

Has anybody else had comments from mothers who are openly critical of your parentling style and child's behaviour. I appreciate my child has behaviour issues from time to time but was so outraged that someone would think it ok to be openly cruel in comments made to me.

Might be better if you expand?

Ok. My child is affectionate and social. He generally mixes well with others. He went through a stage of biting which has now been successfully dealt with. He does sometimes hit other children and I watch him when he is in social situations to ensure it doesn't get to that stage. Sometimes it does. I have repeatedly talked about things he can do when he is angry and told him hitting is wrong. My son now seems to know it is wrong but can he quite reactive. I belief he will overcome this and reprimand him sternly when he hits. I am a fairly gentle person and this may come across as not being strict enough.
My ex-friend is extremely black and white. She believes hitting is wrong (as I do) and that it is my fault that my son is still hitting. I do not like hitting but do not believe it is likely to disappear overnight. My son has always had a very physical confident personality. He has hit my friend's daughter occasionally. My son is 3. Her daughter is six. My friend's child gets a lot of attention when this happens which could be counter productive. I am not saying my son should be hitting.
Anyway recently I meet this friend and she said my son had behaviour issues and that they would only get worse. In fact they are becoming less frequent. Nonetheless I was shocked that she was so involved and rude to me.
I have talked to my son's nursery workers who say my son's behaviour is not extreme or unusual. They are very pleased with his progress both socially and learning. He also goes to a childminder who was horrified and laughed when I showed her the text messages.

I would ALWAYS give the child that has BEEN hit lots of attention, as they are the one that has been hurt.

I would also have far stricter consequences to hitting than you seem to have. I certainly wouldn't be giving the child that actually HIT the other one immediate attention.

As the hitting child's parent, I would be making a fuss of the other child that had been hit. 9/10 times my child would come over as they weren't the centre of attention. At that point I would tell my child that they had hurt the other child when they had hit them, were they going to say sorry and make up?

Most of the time that has the desired affect (stopping your child from hitting) quite quickly.

And why would you seemingly have an issue with your friend comforting her DD and 'making a fuss of her' when she has been hit by someone else? I can't see that you would ignore your DS if somebody else hit HIM? It's what we do, as parents, if another child hits ours - we comfort them and make a fuss of them.

I can't see that your 3yo lashing out occasionally means that he has behavioural problems, mind you. It's not desirable, and by 4 should have stopped, but I don't think that it is YET an indicator of behavioural issues.

I don't think a stern reprimand will work though.

Far better to give YOUR attention, as the parent of the hitter, to the person who HAS been hit.

A lot of the time, this is impulsive, attention seeking behaviour. By reprimanding him, you are giving him attention, albeit bad attention. Removal of this attention often works far better at stopping unwanted behaviours (like ignoring toddler tantrums) than giving attention.

Yes I will be stricter with my child. I think you might have misinterpreted me or maybe it's the way I wrote it. I understand a parent comforting a child who has been hit. I do the same. The thing is I have spent time with my son and this child and it is not a one way street. It appears to me my son is tauted and provoked and then he lashes out. That is why I am keen to see the whole picture. As I said I repeatedly stress and work with my son on other ways of expressing his anger.

Thanks yes I can see giving my attention to the child who has been hit could be a strategy. I am not entirely sure my son hits as an attention seeking strategy though. He sometimes does it when he has no idea I or any other adult is close by and often it is him losing his cool and acting before thinking.

Taunting is a difficult one. It will happen in life, he needs to learn that he must come and find you if that is the case. Explain to him that big boys and girls don't hit when someone upsets them or makes them angry, they find their mum, dad or teacher and tell them? And reward him with praise when he acts in such a grown up way?

As for the other child taunting yours, by 6yo she should know better! That will be hard for a 3yo to know how to handle without lashing out. A 3yo just won't be as emotionally mature as a 6yo. Maybe your 'friend' has forgotten this?!

I would maybe supervise a bit more closely when you have your DC's together. It may be that the age difference is more apparent now, especially as it is an older girl and a younger boy.

A 6yo is not going to have much interests in common with your average 3yo. Maybe she has outgrown the games your DS likes?

There is a whole world of difference between a 3yo that hasn't been at preschool for long and a 6yo that has been at full time school for over a year.

If he is taunted by this child and you know this, perhaps ensuring that they aren't left alone together might be one way of dealing with it?

Thought you might like Biting and Hitting: 16 ways to stop it. Its by Dr Sears so very understanding and gentle .

Also, is your friend Northern? Only asking because talking about your child's bad behaviour and saying it'll only get worse if you don't sort it out isn't rude where I live, its just how people talk to one another normally .

I have a friend who isn't openly critical, in some ways it would be better if she were, she just offers unsolicited advice and makes "general" comments on child behaviour and parenting.

I feel so uncomfortable that I now avoid playdates with her around-it's ok with the other boy's father. I know my friend is wondering why I'm avoiding her but I really don't know how to broach the subject as another friend did and got short shrift.

Also she never seems to see the undesirable behavior of her own child and I started to feel like I wanted to point it out! (which made me feel less than mature).

You might just have to avoid your friend too.

Thanks you very much. The advice is helpful particularly the biting and hiting points. It isn't easy when your child vents his anger on other children. I am now addressing it with a reward chart and immediate consequences for hitting.
Needless to say I have not approached my 'friend' since her outburst and the friendship will most probably fade which is what I want. Like hitting verbal aggression is not great to be on the receiving end of.