Ds 5.5yrs being rude and having attitude.. What to do?

[Lavenderhoney]

My ds, who is a normally cheerful, easy-going little boy has started to be rude to me. If I pull him up something, say teasing his sister, and he won't stop, so I ask him to go to his room. He says ' I wont' and runs off sticking his tongue out. He does go in the end but not after shouting no at me. Just now he had his fingers up his nose and I said ' get your fingers out of your nose' and he glarede at me and stuck them further. I collect him from school and the rest of our day is ruined with it. He does it all weekend too.

It's worse when he is tired, but he is not tired all the time!

An advice, is it a stage, and what am i doing wrong? Dh overreacts a bit which doesn't help, or ignores it til I ask for help in dealing with ds( dh is not around much, travelling and working)

The main thing is to stay calm - have you tried the bored policeman tone of voice, sorry son, but I'm afraid you're going to have to... etc. Hopefully he'll get the message that there's no point trying to get a rise out of you. Also, pick your battles eg I wouldn't be too bothered about the fingers up nose thing, just raise eyebrow and say wash your hands.

Scattercushion, thanks for your reply. You are right about picking ( haha) battles.

I try to stay calm but he is calm too! I say, 'ok ds, you won't stop annoying dd, after me asking and her now crying. Please go to your room for a x minutes, I'll come and see you'

Ds- calmly, ' no, I don't think so mummy'
Me- please go in your room
Ds- it's ok mummy, I am sorry, so I'm not going. Calmly smiles at me
Me- well I'm glad you're sorry, but I have asked you to go in your room
Ds- I'm not going mummy. Sorry. still calm and assertive without shouting, unlike me who is starting to get high pitched.

And so on. Feel wrong footed by ds tbh,

I have a DD who is about a year younger but she has been increasingly cheeky since turning 4.

I know how you feel about addressing it, you don't want to make it into a big deal but also you need to do something so they learn boundaries and what is acceptable!

Here is my suggestion which we are currently trying on DD1 - we only just started so can't say if it works but does seem to help her understand that cheekyness and backchat won't be tolerated.

We have a jar on top of the fridge and have explained to DD1 that everytime she is cheeky etc a duplo block will go in the jar, she still needs to say sorry etc but no other punishment, however if all 10 blocks end up in the jar then she will face a big consequence (for her it is no TV at all the following day). Blocks can be taken out for extra good or helpful behaviour. Once a week the jar is reset to empty.

I do think this method needs tweaking though so suggestions welcome!

Can I suggest that if you say something is going to happen like him going to his room then you follow through immediately - i.e. its not a choice. If necessary pick him up, put him through the door and hold the handle so he can't get out. If you can't do that then set another punishment which you can follow through. I wouldn't get into any discussion with a child of this age on whether he's going to do as he's told. Pick your arguments. If you know you can't enforce something then don't say it as he is obviously bright enough to know what you will and won't do. Also, its only a stage if you sort it out now. If he carries on getting his own way it will become a habit.

My dd is 5 and I have noticed exactly the same change in her behaviour. I worried if it was the change of starting Y1 especially as she knows quite anew of the kids that have started in reception so she thinks she's the bees knees! But perhaps it's just testing the boundaries....I don't know. I started a traffic light system (for 3yo ds too) they start on amber everyday and they move up or down depending on if they do something nice (to green) or naughty (to red). If they are on green at a specified time they get a treat e.g. An ice cream, watch tv etc. if they are on red then it is no tv/iPad whatever. Dd responds really well as she hates being on red. It's no bloody use whatsoever for ds as he doesn't give a sh*te what he's on!
Actually writing this has reminded me to start using it again for dd as I'd kin dog forgotten over the last few days. She was pretty good over half term so I do think it is linked to tiredness and having to concentrate/be good at school all day.
Not much help but I know exactly how you are feeling! It's completely exasperating!

negotiating and explaining do not help

we've had the same with DS and the only thing that has worked is asking him to stop the behaviour. If it continues 'If you don't stop doing X you will have X confiscated' If he continues, X is confiscated with no comment. If he cries/shouts I just ignore him.

This has worked really well because he loves X and I don't normally have to ask more than twice now. You really need to find a punishment that works for your DS

He is still cheeky but I pick my battles. He is much better and my tension levels have reduced considerably!!

Good luck

Sorry OP, I couldn't resist a smile when I read your posts. For a start, it sounds like your DS is pretty bright, as he is playing a terrific power game of 'who can stay calm the longest.' Not many 5 years olds would have the knowledge to do that - the fact that he stays calm and polite says a lot about him. My DS was a git challenging child, from the day he was born, and it was always me who was screeching and losing her composure, not him. So well done for staying calm, I never managed and still don't. However, reassure yourself that this is a phase - he will get through the other side of it. Be very, very firm and consistent with sanctions, but have loads of cuddles when you can. This sounds trite but I don't mean it to, cos I've been in your shoes - be glad you have a sparky lad with lots of character. He'll probably go far, and you're doing a better job than you realise of dealing with him.

And if you makes you feel better, a boy in my reception class frequently sticks his tongue out at me, and tells me his Mum is going to punch me.

Thanks-minx themanx, thanks, although (!) at punchy mum! You must hve the patience of a saint:) - although I not really remaining calm. He has a little add on now, where he will say" it's ok, mummy, don't worry, I'll be nice now" and then he turns to dd and says" come on dd, do you want to play a game with me?!" she shouts " yes, yes, yes!" and he gives me a half grin and a shrug and scoots off after dd..

I don't think I negotiate , it's ds trying to negotiate. I don't like to idea of picking him up and forcibly putting him in his room, it would be sch a physical thing which I think I am uncomfortable with at hs age - if he struggles etc and i force it stops being a calm reaction iykwim.

I like the idea of banning something he likes. I mentioned to him that if he wont stop using a grumpy tone of voice with me, he woud not be allowed on the iPad, or play a game on the computer - he likes to do his French learning app and a writing / maths one so he has been much better. Before I get flamed, it's a couple of times a week, but he loves it:)

I did try ice cream banning, but he calmly pointed out that he was "off ice creamperhaps I could think of something else" he helpfully suggested biscuits.

We are working on recognising ourselves when we are feeling bad tempered and having time out, and saying outloud " mummy, im feeling a bit tired, can i have a snack and read a bit in my room" - as normally he joins in with dd and me and gets grumpy! I am rewarding for that which is a lot easier than trying not t shout.

Minx the Manx- took on board about more cuddles, you are right, easy I thought as he loves holding hands, cuddling. Out one day this week and offered to hold hands. He fr the very first time ever blanched slightly and said" no thx mummy, I'm getting a big boy now..." I was so taken aback plus thought I was going to cry.

Mm. Your boy is way ahead of his years! I tell you, he's a clever lad. Keep the cuddling thing indoors - he does still want it, but not on show. I ban all electronics with my 2 when I've had enough - they get a warning first, but if behaviour continues they lose ALL electronics (PS3, Wii, Ds, laptop) for a day. Once it was for 3 days. Generally it's enough to screech "final warning, electronics will go if you continue x". And their favourite thing when they've been lovely is a family DVD afternoon, all cuddled up on sofa with popcorn.

It sounds to me like you're doing a great job. Knackering, isn't it.

It's a stage. A good book for describing in quite a lot of detail the stages children go through (forgive the title)Raising Good Children. It describes the stage, what it means, and, best of all, how to help them grow out of it. (It's all part of the ordinary development of character, e.g. when they start becoming obsessed by fairness and their answer to everything is "It's not fair!", it just means that they've developed an understanding of fairness, which is crucial as a building block - it's just a pretty limited understanding at this stage!)

Thank you- I just want to help him and me manage it better.

And yes, minx themanx, I am very very tired:( physically and mentally. Plus dh have work issues and is overworking so I am a bit shouty which is not helping.

Dh has! I have only one dh:)