Do I say anything to friend about her kids behaviour?

[lisad123]

Friend of mine has children about my children's age.
We are meant to be going over to play today but kids aren't keen.
I should make it clear my own girls both have autism at high functioning end, dd1 has major anxiety issues and very much has to follow rules ect.
Friends eldest son is going though dx of ADHD and so has behavioural difficulties but everytime we go over her hurts my children. He likes playing rough games and play fighting. Neither of my girls like this.
Friends dd is also saying to my youngest that she won't be her friend if she doesn't do what she wants. Dd2 has difficulties making and keeping friends, understanding social situations and gets upset that her friend is saying she won't like her.

I'm not sure if I should say anything to to friend. It's hard as we all get together often and my kids aren't happy.
Please don't think I believe my kids are Angels they are not.

No one

I think it's probably not a good idea to say something to your friend. If her son has ADHD then it's unlikely that she can really mitigate his behavior and if your dd's have autism, then it's unlikely you will be able to get them to just put up with the boy's behavior because he has adhd and can't help it. Maybe give it some time and space without family gatherings (doesn't mean you can't meet up the two of you) and see if everyone mellows a little with age.

I've had to reduce contact with a friend because my dd (high functioning autism and pysical disabilities) couldn't cope with her ds, but I was too chicken to tell her why. (put it this way you could see where he got his temper!!!) I try to see her without the kids but its pretty much killed the friendship :(

but this was a case of the mum not imposing boundries rather than the boy having SN, maybe as your friend gets further down the diagnosis she will be on the other side of the fence (i.e. will have problems with her ds not being able to deal with a specific child) and will be understanding about helping all the dc's play together.

but I know you want a non SN prespective on this so bumping for you.

If she's a friend of yours, can't you call her to discuss? You are only trying to protect your DDs, if they are not happy I'd discuss it immediately and would avoid forcing them into a situation that makes them unhappy. Pehraps turn it around like you would when you try and raise something with DH: " This is how I feel", or "this is how DDs feel".. Expressing how one feels should not cause great anxiety if the recipient is a good friend.... imho.

I'd avoid forcing your DDs into it as well - can you get together with your friend perhaps in an evening instead? If you do decide to say something, don't make it about her child, just say that your two have difficulty with the social side of it and it makes them (and hence you) anxious.

I guess I'm going to have to say something. I don't want to lose her as a friend, and it not always possible to see each other without the kids.

girls night out?

Well I would. My children have autism and my youngest also has adhd and if they were behaving in a way that made other children feel bad/sad/afraid - I would want and need to know about it. So I could do whatever I could to change it. I'd clearly need to think of some new strategies.

this is so hard. DS2, who has language delay/sensory issues/anxiety etc, once rejected his best friend after the best friend upset him (some physical incident).

As the other mum was, of course, concerned, I tried to explain it blaming my own child's sensitivity/fussiness/etc.

But when I heard other mum telling a third party, "ah yes, they've fallen out, it's because lingle's ds2 can't cope with more than one friend at a time" I realised I'd made a mistake blaming my own child.

So in retrospect, I would have said something like "they're hard work together at the moment aren't they? shall we go to [suggested place] where they can each have their own space a bit today? hopefully it will all settle back down soon".

good luck lisa.

This reads as if the issue is needing to find a way to make interactions between a number of children with specific needs work, not that anyone is being nasty, undisciplined or out of control (as such, you're in a much nicer starting position than many posters dealing with inter-child interactions, with less obvious risk of massive offence). I'd see that a task to tackle jointly, not an insult, or criticism of her children. Equally, if the best solution is that the children spend less time together for a while, then it is. Why do you think she won't understand and work with you?

I think I would suggest meeting up without both sets of children at the same time or meet in a neutral place where they don't have to interact so much. I have a very close friend whose ds also has asd. We don't force the children to be together as they don't really interact that well. We sometimes take them out to soft play or swimming together where they don't have to make allowances for each other. It hasn't affected the relationship between me and my friend as we treat our relationship as quite separate to the children although I often see her at her home without my dc and vice versa.