9 year old son with erratic behaviour!

[GrapefruitGirl]

Just looking for a bit of advice... DS1 has always been full of energy and used to be very chatty and on the go. Always a bit of a handful though.

Increasingly I find him more withdrawn, with not so many friends (although a few close ones). School always say he is fine and getting on well but I find him odd in social situations, like he doesn't know how to engage or behave/control himself. Yesterday when the boys had friends round he was beating up his younger brother, making odd noises whilst the others played on the Wii, wrecking a football game etc and generally being a pain. Whenever I picked him up on it he just said nothing and then went back to being a prat. He will be 10 soon so surely his behaviour should be better than this?

He can be a bit like this sometimes when playing sport or at Cubs and needs reining in again.

I feel awful writing like this as he can be the sweetest boy and today, when it is just the 3 of us, is back to his normal self.

Is he just socially inept and this will sort itself out or should I be doing something more with him? I've even wondered if he is slightly ADHD but I have only ever had good reports from school (behaviour wise and academically).

Thanks for reading - I'd really appreciate any thoughts. Is this common?
GrapefruitGirl x

Hi GrapefruitGirl,
I've got 2 nine year old girls. They are both adorable but quite difficult at times. Ours are 10 months apart we adopted them (they aren't related biologically).

The oldest is very dainty, dreamy, sociable and chatty. The youngest is highly competitive, athletic, always on the go...Bigger than her older sister. They are both bright as far as we can see, the school say that the youngest is advance but at the same time she is very impatient and has short attention span...(that's another story..)

The youngest teases the oldest all the time at home but is a model pupil at school apparently..The oldest over-reacts!! It's an ongoing situ...

The youngest has made silly noises, like your son. We have managed to help her stop it but I think that it came from frustration. She would make cat noises instead of speaking. I think that in our family, maybe in yours, frustration comes out between the kids when they are not really sure of their position in the family. Maybe your oldest boy is feeling that he doesn't like it when his little brother seems to be momentarily more popular or better than him at something and that's hard to deal with.

Just a thought. If it is that then just reassuring him of his own unique strong points and playing down the feeling of competition between them might help.

Hope it does!

Thanks auntierozzie!

I think you do have a point there as everything comes easily for his 7 year old brother, both socially and academically. We have often said he is really snapping at his heels and competitive with his big brother.

The other thing I'm trying is to limit sugar as he seems to get a buzz off coke, juice and lots of sweets which really affects him.

He has been great today. It is just in social situations that he seems to go a bit AWOL. How do I convince him to just be himself and not go all odd? Hopefully it's something that will come with age - I just don't want him to miss out on friendships because of it.

Have a good weekend!

GGirl x

You too GGirl :-)
Glad your boy was good today. Something else that could help is trying to find a different activity that he does and that his brother doesn't so that can be his own thing. Try and think of something that little brother isn't so strong at..

my son is 11 now, but up until very recently he struggled socially and would often behave "like a prat" as you say. He used to particularly struggle when with his younger sisters friends (perhaps not surprisingly), he would be very disruptive, he couldnt play with them or talk to them normally, hed just be a total pain really. Now that he is more mature things have improved. We tried to give him guidance on how to behave so that people would actually like him. I'm not sure it made a huge difference, I think just getting older and gaining a greater sense of how others perceive you is what helps. I would carry on giving your son tips on how to behave - what to say,what is acceptable etc, and just see how things go. I expect they will gradually get batter

Thanks for that Rosy.... That's exactly how my son is. Your message has really cheered me up because I hope this is how it will go with him. He is such a dear boy. xx

It may be that he feels a little anxious and not sure how to behave around his friends, hence the silly behaviour which might function as 'filler' or compensatory behaviour. I would not draw his attention at all to the 'odd' behaviour as that may make him feel self conscious and more anxious.
Who is his behaviour a problem for? Just you? If so, I would just ignore it generally. However if it's causing problems in his friendships you could gently and casually help him find ways to use more relaxed social behaviour and social skills - focus on the positive; when he does something that is socially positive give him praise and let him know what it was exactly that you thought he did well (but not in front of his friends, he might get embarrassed).
Like the other poster said, much of it may just be down to his age and stage of development - 10 is an awkward age for a boy I think. With increased emotional maturity this should pass.