DD's best friend has turned bit nasty and DD devastated. Advice?

[ali23]

Hi. My DD, 5, started P1 in August. All was well. Her best friend, a little girl whom she has been friends with at nursery for the past two years and her seemed grand. Both girls seemed to join in fine with the other kids in class but remained close friends, ie playing in each other's houses after school/going to the park together etc.
However, in the last fortnight, DD's friend has suddenly started to be a little nasty to my DD - who is devastated.
For example, the kids get the bus to our school and her friend announced one day that she wouldn't sit beside my DD. Fair enough, I thought, they need to move away from one another and make other mates. Which is fine.
But what is happening now is that my DD seems to be chasing after the other little girl, who is then relishing telling her that she doesn't want to be her friend. The little girl plays perfectly well still with my DD but, out of nowhere, can just turn. Yesterday, when I collected DD from the school bus stop, her friend was desperate to come to our house to play and they giggled and chatted away as normal, but when there and her Mum had gone home and she stayed to play, she refused to speak to DD. If my DD spoke to her, she would turn her head and ignore her. If DD asked her to play a game she refused. In the garden she persistently walked away from her. I was getting irked at my DD who couldn't see that the more desperate she was for her little buddy to play with her, the more the other wee one relished the power she had.
When the little girl said to DD that 'I would give that flower to one of my special friends, and you are not one of them,' DD's face fell and I knew she was close to tears.
How do I get her to be able to see that the other wee one is just 'at it' and get her to move away at such times? At a birthday party last week when her best friend wouldn't play with her, she just seemed lost and was so hurt by the slight that she wanted to go home.
Sorry for long post. I just would like DD to not be chasing the other girl all the time and basically playing into her hands!

Encourage DD to make other friends. Try to spend as little time as possible with this friend.

I know at 5 they don't really realise what they're doing and why - but bottom line this is manipulative behaviour.

Suggest to DD that she spend time with people who make her feel happy. Don't invite friend for playdates - generally have DD keep her distance.

It makes me so sad to see this. Happened to my DD, now 7, and for us the best cure is lots of friends from lots of different groups.

At 5 she's old enough to be told "If you can't be kind I can arrange for you to go home". I agree your DD needs to learn to walk away, and also that it's normal/very common, but I also think you don't have to put up with rudeness and cruelty towards your DD in your/her own home.

Oh and also try and talk to DD about the friend's behaviour to try and help DD see that this isn't her 'fault' that friend is behaving this way.

Thanks for the support, folks. It is really heartbreaking to watch. DD not perfect but she is a sensitive soul and I seeing her in tears over being spurned like this is tough.
Funnily enough, this morning on the bus her little frined was particularly nasty. What makes it worse, I think, is that the other girl's parents are very nice. They are horrified at the way their daughter is behaving and I don't want to make too big an issue of it. However, I also can't stand back and allow my little one to be taken for a ride like this.
DD does make friends relatively easily as she is chatty and loves company - DS is too wee for her - but she is hurt because this was her best friend. Thanks for the comments. As always with Mumsnet, lovely to know you're not out there on your own .

Just to say, I've quite often seen the other side in posts here on mn. People finding that their child is feeling smothered by a child who wants to play, sit down, eat luch, do work etc. with them and only them.

I think if you can find a way to persuade your dd to be less "full on" then they will become better friends. It isn't necessarily the other child "enjoying the power" it can be just a wish to not always be with your dd, without the socail skills to explain this nicely at that age.

Could your DD have another friend over for a playdate?

To be honest, I do think it's a power thing. Until yesterday I had been dismissing it as my dd being clingy, but then I saw it in a different light. Yesterday her friend cried to come into our house to play - dd didn't ask her. But within minutes of her mum leaving she was being very off, as explained in op. it must be very confusing for a 5-year-old to have a normal, happy time with someone and within minutes have them decide that they can't be arsed to answer you when you speak to them, in fact won't even look at you. I asked the other little one if she would like to go home as age didn't seem to be having a nice time and she insisted on staying. And ignoring my dd. at the end of it all, I am not too precious but it's horrid to watch your child be hurt emotionally like that, as mine very clearly was.

Its awful to watch your little ones struggling with the social stuff but it becomes more of an issue as they get older and happens to them all at some point. The advice about encouraging your dd to make other friends is great.

Also I think it is fine to say to her 'friend' and her parents that they can't play today because you have other plans. The situation may improve if they are not playing together so much. I would actively encourage other friends over, particularly if there is someone else your dd likes who also travels on the bus journey to school.

Tbh if a child was behaving that way in my house I would very nicely explain to them that it is time for them to go home as they are not enjoying themselves (I wouldnt ask if they want to stay) and I would have no worries about calling their parents and saying that they are not getting on and to pick up their child as soon as convenient.

My dd is 9 and has a 10 year old "friend" like that.

I remember my friend turning in me within the first week of high school... Except of course walking home with me after school, sweet and kind as anything.

Sadly it happens at all ages. Can your dd go to any groups like rainbows or GB where there will be other children from her class?

Looks like this wee girl is manipulating you both. She behaves nastily, is called on it, she is asked to play nice as otherwise she will go home. Instead of you falling this through, she calls the shots and refuses to both go home and play nice. Should you not just called her mum and asked to collect her and show them both that she does NOT get to call the shots, and neither you nor your dd are desperate.

In retrospect, yeah. But I was wary of being seen to over-react. The more I thought of it later, though, the more it ate away at me. Dd goes to various things - athletics, swimming, dancing and rainbows- and she plays with different girls. She is hurt because for the past two years her and this other wee one have been best buddies, with barely a cross word. Going to restrict the time they play together with more friends over to play. Thanks for the advice.

know what you mean but it is not over-reacting to explain to other mum that they are not getting on so well and perhaps play dates not such a great idea at the moment.

I think you need to explain to her that often children grow apart when the start school, and they should both find other children to play with.

Encourage her to play with friends and invite others over for playdates. I would steer her away from this one.

Also, if this behaviour is happening in your house in front of you, you can say something. 'Play nice or you will go home'. Ask the little girl what exactly is she doing then tell her it is not nice behaviour and if it continues you will call her mum.

I know it is hard but your little girl needs to know Mum is on her side.

I wonder if you could do a little bit of fun role play with your DD about how to react when her friend turns a bit mean? Not sure if she's too young, but a kind of;

Mean girl/you "I don't want to play any more"
DD "that's a shame, I like playing with you"
MG/Y "well you're not my friend"
DD "Ok, I fancied reading a book/playing with this puzzle by myself for a bit anyway"

You can make it quite fun and silly but ultimately giving her the tools to show (even if she isn't feeling it) that she doesn't care that her friend is being mean (which will probably, in turn, make MG be nice again!)

I suspect that MG has discovered that she has power and that making your DD run after her is rather fun, so if you take away your DD's reaction, hopefully she'll go back to normal.

Ozziegirl, perfect!