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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

17 mo clingyness is embarrassing

17 replies

LittleMilla · 04/10/2012 20:59

That's it really. Always been bad, gets much worse during 'fussy phases' a la wonder weeks book. It's killing me.

Barely plays alone, worse at baby groups. Had a crap afternoon with a friend and her toddler over - ds spent most if the time on my lap or in tears. In our house ffs!

How can I sort this as I'm actually embarrassed. I feel guilty saying it, but I long for an outgoing, FUN, toddler :-(.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Iggly · 04/10/2012 21:10

Do you cuddle toddler and give plenty of reassurances? Build up their confidence?

Sirzy · 04/10/2012 21:12

Why are you embarrassed?

In the friend around and him upset situation I would have probably moved onto the floor with him and engage him in playing gradually with you next to him for the reassurance that he obviously needs at the moment.

It will get better!

Original poster

LittleMilla · 04/10/2012 21:24

Ready my op back I sound mean. He gets lots of cuddles and attention but dh and I are wondering if this the reason for him being so clingy?

Even around family that he knows well he will burst in to tears if dh or I leave the room. They all tend to be polite but I know that they are also about his behaviour.

He's never been good but feels like it's getting worse rather than better. He goes to nursery two days a week and my dad has him half a day too. EVERY time he's left he cries. No matter what. He then has a wonderful day in both situations so I just don't get why he continues to cry so much???

Embarrassed simply because it's not getting any better. Dh and I are both quite gregarious and so this behaviour is alien. I was quite shy when a toddler according to my mum. But I don't remember it .

Sorry if I sound like a horrid mummy.

OP posts:

ImNotCute · 04/10/2012 21:29

Bless him, he's still so little and there is nothing to be embarrassed about.

My dd has always been on the clingy side but improving with time. Pushing him to be outgoing and fun will not work, he'll sense you trying to withdraw and probably get worse. He needs lots of reassurance and to take things at his own pace. Talk to him lots about what is going to happen so he's well prepared.

I'm sure he's a lovely boy who just needs your help to grow in confidence. Stop thinking about how you'd like him to be and try to enjoy how he is. One day he won't want lots of cuddles anymore and you'll miss them!

Iggly · 04/10/2012 21:32

No no no. The cuddles won't be making him like this! It's just him.

My ds was like this. So we went with it. Let him sit on my lap until he was ready to play (I didn't find it embarrassing because I get shy too). Now at 3 he's very confident!

Maybe you get embarrassed because it's alien to you? Also watch 18 month olds. Even the confident ones go back for the odd cuddle.

Milkybrew · 04/10/2012 21:37

Hi littlemilla, my DD is 17 mo and is exactly as you describe. She will scream if friends/family so much as look at her at the moment! Taking her to doctors, clinic or such things is awful as she just clings to me and cries. I have found that if we have visitors she is ok as long as they don't come in the house and get straight in her face. I tend to sit with her on my knee or next to me on the floor and as long as she feels she's making the first move she's generally ok. I'm hoping she eventually gets past this, my DS was similar and now he is happy speaking to anyone, so I tend to think it is a phase with my DD and that it will pass, eventually!

Rosebud05 · 04/10/2012 21:38

My dd was exactly like this - it's exhausting. She has got better over time without a doubt.

Please don't feel like it's 'something you've done' - some babies and children are just like this.

Original poster

LittleMilla · 04/10/2012 21:42

Thanks all. I love him so much and I guess I associate being content as being off and 'busy'. He's a complete charmer (from my lap!) and people often interpret his cuteness as being outgoing, but he'll recoil in terror should anyone dare touch him !

I feel terrible even writing this. I think it's as much that we don't seem to know others in rl with little ones like this. Everyone else's child is just more confident.

OP posts:

Milkybrew · 04/10/2012 22:03

Don't feel terrible, like you say it is difficult when all the other toddlers around you seem so outgoing. I've had people comment that I "obviously don't get out enough with DD" and should plonk her down on the floor at groups and let her "just get on with it"! No way, I don't want her feeling abandoned like that and we get out plenty. I honestly think she's just finding her feet in social situations and one day will be happy and confident to do her own thing-I'm not happy to force this on her to appease others though. I'm sure the same can be said for your DS, he'll find his confidence and that will be the end of the clingyness.

bringmeroses · 04/10/2012 22:08

we had the clingiest baby/toddler/school child among friends, and seemingly anyone we came into contact with. She was and is very loved, never left with childminder or anyone she didn't know well; just very very cuddly and many years later is the same.
Please go with it and hug as required, all kids are different and you're not 'spoiling' by hugging.

Original poster

LittleMilla · 04/10/2012 22:15

Thank you for replies. I shall continue to give him zillions of kisses and cuddles and we'll see how he goes.

milky yes, I get that a lot. Ppl comment that he needs to 'toughen up a bit'. I guess ppl can be harsher when it's a boy. Dunno.

Good to know we're not the only ones, just need to seek you out in rl .

OP posts:

McGill · 04/10/2012 22:55

Hi there- my son was like this as well - he went to nursery twice a week from the age of 1 , and until he was 2, he cried EVERY time we dropped him off ( and then settled apparently very quickly - so enough to make me feel awful at work while he was perfectly happy the wee bugger!!). He was very clingy - I spent the first 2 yrs playing/lying next to him and barely got anything done - i just assumed this was the way, to a point, that all kids were - until my daughter came along and she was a total different kettle of fish - barely needed a cudde from day 1! Anyway, he gradually got better at mixing and playing by himself and is now 5 and at school - he still struggles with any new situation much more than his average peers ( ie he cried every day going to school for about a week, then was just very clingy at the gate for another 2 weeks until he felt more confident and had found some friends), but he always gets there - he's just a 'slow burner'. He is lovely and kind, but just needs a bit longer to settle than other kids - but it gets easier for sure. I would just go with the flow and accept he might just need you around a lot until he's a bit older - its exhausting, and definately quite frustrating when you feel that every other wee one seems to be much less clingy and more sociable, but most likley easier and less frustrating for you if you just go at his pace - and hopefully before long he'll give you more space. x

DomesticGoddess31 · 13/10/2012 19:47

My 16 month old DD is a bit like this too at the moment. Try not to worry what others think, its pretty normal for toddlers at this age (and numerous other stages too) as far as I can tell. At baby groups I try and get involved as much as possible with whatever activities are going on and encourage DD to join in with me and usually she eventually relaxes a bit and is happier to wander off a bit on her own. Its a big world out there for our little ones. They need us.

0liverb0liverbuttface · 13/10/2012 20:02

My younger brother was just like this - my Mum couldn't even get his feet measured because he would be hysterical if anyone other than immediate family touched him...he didn't have shoes until he was 3 - he just wore Wellies!

He is now 35, confident, sucessful and outgoing.

Stick with it OP, give lots of love and reassurance and your DS will be fine. Don't be embarrased just love him as he is.

Original poster

LittleMilla · 13/10/2012 21:45

Thanks again for replies. I've been following tips and advice on here and feel so much happier actually. I'm not stressing so much and in turn we're both more relaxed.

Had a couple of moments where he would forget himself (started dancing in a shop!) and when someone stopped and said "ahhhh" he got so shy that he cowered all the way on to the floor. Bless him.

OP posts:

Noqontrol · 13/10/2012 21:50

My ds used to be like this at the same age. People used to make comments about it. He grew out of it when he was 2. He's great now, really confident. So don't worry and keep cuddling him. It will all turn out good in the end.

mumofthemonsters808 · 13/10/2012 22:17

Your post made me smile because my DS used to be like this and at times I found him so demanding.He even went through a stage of disliking my OH all my boy wanted was my undivided attention.I was unable to even hold a conversation,take a phonecall,have a wee, look after my DD,you name it he objected to it, unless it involved just me and him.My OH's standard response "was that I made him that way" and we had many a heated argument about it.Mums and Tots were a nightmare because he just wanted to sit on my knee or for me and him to play uninterupted, if another child dared to approach us he cried and if any of the lovely helpers even spoke to him he cried.

He is now 2 and a half and what a turnaround, he is a happy, giddey, confident boy who smiles at everyone he meets.He plays nicely alongside other children.I did not do anything wonderful he just changed as he got a bit older. A piece of advice that my lovely Mum gave me which has stuck in my mind is that nothing lasts forever with young children, things that trouble us will pass. So hang on in there.

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