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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

OMG - DD(7) just slammed my head in the door. What to do?

79 replies

ClaireFromWork · 08/08/2012 14:11

DD is still tantrumming. Just now she pinched and pushed her sibling and I went into the playroom to tell her that she had to tidy it up as a punishment for hurting her sister. As I was leaving (I was backing out whilst talking to her) she launched herself at the door and slammed it. My head was in the way and she slammed it onto my head.

In shock. She's been sent to her room but I've had to lock the door because she's gone postal and keeps slamming it and also coming downstairs and raging.

I don't quite know what to do next. She's beyond reason or any kind of discussion right now.

Any advice?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 08/08/2012 14:18

No advice but your not alone :( my dd has already had an awful tantrum today she is still in her room as I just can't look at her right now :( whatever I do she throws it back in my face she's rude stroppy mean and defiant and really dont know what I have done wrong:(

I am offering a hand to hold!!!

SandStorm · 08/08/2012 16:48

Leave her there until she's calmed down enough to talk to. In the meantime, do you need to get your head checked out?

RaisinDEritrea · 08/08/2012 16:56

Anyone nearby who can pop in and monitor you, take the children if you need medical help ?

NeverKnowinglyUnderstood · 08/08/2012 16:59

ooh Ouch!!
I think time away from everyone is the best thing for her, I know it is probably the locking of the door that you are worried about but if that is the best thing for everyone else in the house I would do the same.

Is this a brand new thing (the level of rage?) DS1 gets like this and I have to try really hard not to pour petrol on the fire, I find it hard not to engage with it.. (he is 8)

Hand holding from here as well...

Aboutlastnight · 08/08/2012 17:03

I'd just leave her there for a while til she is calm. Are you ok?

You know this behaviour is not to be tolerated, she needs to learn self control. I suggest taking away privileges( TV, computer) and getting her to win them back, one a week. This means no tantrums. If she cannot control herself tell her she can go to her room until she controls herself.

lisad123 · 08/08/2012 17:06

No extra advice other than what others have said, but hope your ok

Original poster

ClaireFromWork · 08/08/2012 17:41

Sorry had to go out. I didn't let her play at the park - she had to sit alone on the bench and watch the others play. She's still defiant and being verbally aggressive and has this afternoon hit me and pinched me.

I have cancelled a sleepover she was due to have tonight and she will be going to bed very early.

I suppose it's the longer term I'm concerned about. THis has been gradually escalating over the last few months and I need it to stop before someone is seriously hurt. I think I'm OK - took a couple of paracetamol which stopped it hurting. I was more in shock that physically hurt.

She seems to think it was an accident but this is because she was so angry she wasn't thinking straight, but I still don't think this excuses it in any way. She doesn't see this.

How do I teach her some respect and self-control? It is only me she gets this angry with.

OP posts:

Original poster

ClaireFromWork · 08/08/2012 19:37

Bump for evening crowd.

It has taken until just now for her to apologise.

How on earth do I stop this behaviour?

This is not learnt behaviour as I don't smack unless it's because they've done something major - (running across a road). I can be quite shouty though . Usual punishment is withdrawal of fun stuff (access to computer) or sent to bedroom / no bedtime story.

OP posts:

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 08/08/2012 19:39

No idea :( wish I knew but need answer myself :(

sagesponsoredbymacdonalds · 08/08/2012 19:49

Bumping for you...

jollydiane · 08/08/2012 19:52

I do hope your head is ok. I have not posted on this type of thread before so apologies if I am going over ground that has been covered before. I learnt a lot from watching Super Nanny (Jo Frost). What I took away from it was making life interesting and happy. For example, taking the children swimming/park cycle ride, fishing in the local river/ setting up a mini olympics / taking part in the library challenge.

jollydiane · 08/08/2012 19:54

... sorry pressed 'post' too early. The idea being that DC respect you and enjoy your company. Having quite close time can help understand how the child is feeling.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 08/08/2012 19:59

Do u mind if I crash here jolly ? What do u do if they just don't seem to care what u take away? :(

jollydiane · 08/08/2012 20:05

Hi, Wheremy.

I don't have all the answers but I look at it in a different way. Instead of taking things away can I do anything to make them happy and avoid the situation developing in the first place. I like to have fun be a bit silly, make them laugh, tell them that I love them. Super Nanny seemed to really help me address this. Often children want you time more than anything else. To know and be told how much you love them.

SandStorm · 08/08/2012 20:05

Give her very clear boundaries of acceptable behaviour. Clearly violence against her sibling and you is way out of line. Make sure your punishments are consistent and that she understands exactly why she is being punished. Ensure that all adults who have responsibility for her - her dad, grandparents, childminders etc - are consistent in these expectations and that everyone administers punishments when needed.

When she's being good make sure she knows she's loved and that she can tell you anything. If you can keep the lines of communication open that can only be a good thing. Has anything changed recently that might have triggered this behaviour in her? Something at home or school? If she can tell you, you can work together to find a solution. Let her know you're on her side.

Bear in mind that you may be in for the long haul on this one and finally, I'm not an expert at all and I hope you and your daughter come through this.

Original poster

ClaireFromWork · 08/08/2012 20:06

jollydiane - I do LOADS of that (I work in education so i've got a bag of tricks up my sleeve). This weekend we all went away together as a family during which time we held a mini Olympics, yesterday we all went as a family to the real Olympics, we're doing the library challenge, today i went to take her swimming at the school pool but it was shut, so I took them to the park. I do tonnes with them. In fact, when i was discussing this with my MIL tonight she seemed to think i do too much and maybe that was the problem.

OP posts:

jollydiane · 08/08/2012 20:07

For example right now I have a little bouncy ball and DH is playing indoor football with DC. DH is pretending to be USA and DC and Team GB. The teddies are the crowd cheering.

jollydiane · 08/08/2012 20:10

Hi Claire

I think I agree with Sandstorm, and put a set of rules up in the kitchen. Maybe tomorrow have some quite time, offer to give her a back massage and ask her why she hurt you today. Reassure her that you love her.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 08/08/2012 20:14

I know what u mean Claire I try to do loads with dd1 and she just cannot be bothered to put any effort into any of it despite the fact that often what I arrange to try and do for her is at the detriment of her little sister who gets dragged along to things she has no hope of joining in with :( nothing is ever enough and every little thong is a battle she can't even eat breakfast without moaning and takes an hour to just clean her teeth. I've tried ignoring it I've tried reward charts time outs withdrawal of privileges pasta jars everything I can think of and nothing gets thru to her at all :(

sunglasses · 08/08/2012 20:14

I have dd aged 7 who whilst mostly lovely does occasionally have these huge bursts of temper. Have been verbally abused and she has tried to slap me and thrown things at me. My advice... leave her to calm down, you get some space then talk to her very calmly about how she feels when this is happening- rage, anger etc and tell her these are normal feelings BUT that she must find a better way to deal with it. violence etc will not be tolerated and will result in ( insert appropriate punishment) Is there another way she can express rage, punching her pillow or running to her room and trying to calm down, counting to ten whatever. I would do this whilst telling her she is your lovely little girl and you love her more than anything. Its the behaviour you want to stop. Then have some quiet quality time with both of you. I think it may be just a growing up thing. Its a difficult age! but aren't they all

HecateHarshPants · 08/08/2012 20:17

perhaps you need some outside help and support? Maybe go to gp and ask?

You say this has been a few months and is getting worse? Can you think of anything that has happened that could have caused this?

CailinDana · 08/08/2012 20:24

Try talking to her? Ask her what's going on in her head. She is not doing this to hurt you, not deliberately anyway, she's 7 and is clearly having a terrible time trying to control her emotions. Rather than getting angry or upset you need to see this the same way as any other problem - figure out what's causing it and try to remedy it. Chances are it'll take time to work out what's going on but you need to be patient and constantly send the message that while you won't accept the behaviour you will always accept her and help her no matter what she does. She sounds very very angry and there must be a reason for that.

Aboutlastnight · 08/08/2012 20:30

I think it's importantyo give get an incentive to behave properly- so yes take privileges away but make sure she can earn them back through good thoughtful behaviour.

Also let her know you like her, that you fon't expect this sort of behaviour her, work on her good points

Original poster

ClaireFromWork · 08/08/2012 20:31

Nothing major in recent times. When she had just turned 5 I was diagnosed with cancer and we had tough year whilst I had treatment but in the last year everything's been as it was before the cancer.

In line with professional advice we talked openly about the cancer at the time and kept a very close eye on their psychological well-being throughout.

I sometimes have wondered if this is her venting steam from that time - she was an angel throughout it all. It would explain why she directs her rage at me but it seems too sophisticated an explanation for such a young age.

OP posts:

CailinDana · 08/08/2012 20:33

It could easily be a reaction to the time you had cancer. She might have recently learned what "cancer" means, she might have seen something that suggests you could have died and it could be playing on her mind. You need to talk to her. I really don't understand why that isn't the first thought in a parent's mind when things start to go wrong.

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