OMG - DD(7) just slammed my head in the door. What to do?

[ClaireFromWork]

DD is still tantrumming. Just now she pinched and pushed her sibling and I went into the playroom to tell her that she had to tidy it up as a punishment for hurting her sister. As I was leaving (I was backing out whilst talking to her) she launched herself at the door and slammed it. My head was in the way and she slammed it onto my head.

In shock. She's been sent to her room but I've had to lock the door because she's gone postal and keeps slamming it and also coming downstairs and raging.

I don't quite know what to do next. She's beyond reason or any kind of discussion right now.

Any advice?

I think it is possible that you are doing too much. I'm lazy not in the 'organised activities every day' school of thinking. But I have let my 6 year old stay up very late these holidays to watch certain Olympic events and she was horrible the next couple of days.

Do you think your DD could be over-tired and therefore unable to control her emotions? Perhaps a slob ing out with mum day is in order. Will give her the opportunity to discuss any worries she may have too.

Good luck, hope your head isn't too sore.

That's pretty extreme behaviour. When kids act like that they are usually trying to express a really strong emotion. One of mine kicked the rail off his bed last summer aged 6 - turns out he was deeply upset/scared because he had worms! But it took a lot of fighting before we got to the stage we where we uncovered that.

If punishments and shouting etc. aren't working it might be time to try a completely new tack. I think building empathy is really important. Try to make her understand how her behaviour is affecting others. When you have calmed down, go up and talk to her about how her behaviour makes you feel. Tell her how much your head hurts and how upset you are that she behaved that way. Tell her that you love her very much, and would like her to feel happy, but that you don't understand what she wants when she screams and shouts etc. Could she put her feelings into words instead? If you stick with that approach it could bear fruit. Really difficult when you're pissed off, I know, but kids that age just don't know why they do what they do - it's up to us to help them understand their own feelings.

I think the fact you had cancer and now are ok could have a very significant effect on behaviour which would be very difficult for her to articulate/deal with. Hard to know exactly what but if you knew your mum was v ill, that might put pressure on you to behave at all times and, perhaps, surpress emotions/anger etc for fear of upsetting your mum... I remember from being a kid that it was always really difficult to see signs of weakness in your parents. So, now if the difficult time has passed, it seems quite possible that there are unresolved emotions, worry etc that are coming out through this behaviour. I guess this may not be a conscious set of emotions that your DD can explain but talking about what happened over the last few years might help tease out some feelings... Alongside all the other great advice on this thread. Good luck - I'm sure this will pass over time just like all those difficult phases but still very painful going thru it!

cailin I'm not trying to be rude please don't read this that way it's not how I mean it but yeah sometimes life can be hard and yes I blamed my DD's behavior on circumstances that were awful at the time and yes we all wish our beautiful children hadn't had to go thru what we went through but surely there has to come a time where enough is enough. We can't live the rest of our lives apologizing for circumstances that were out of our control. Is it possible they sense our guilt and upset over things and actually are clever enough to realize that this is a way in, a way to manipulate and hold it over our heads forever ? :(

It sounds as if she is maybe finally beginning to feel secure enough after the cancer that she is able to express the fear and upset from that time. Overall I'd say that's actually a good thing (that she is now feeling able to express the feelings) though obviously it's pretty trying all round. If it's aimed specifically at you I do think it may be connected to her fears for you.

My sister had leukaemia and nearly died repeatedly. She was in and out of hospital for about three years when I was 4-7 (so a similar age to your daughter, though for a longer time). I struggled with very intense reactions to that time - and in our case to the ongoing threat of relapse - right into late adolescence.

I'm afraid I don't know how best to tackle it but just wanted to say that the idea of a delayed 'reaction' sounds very plausible from my own experience.

Your last post is really interesting Wheresmy - it seems like you would rather forget about what happened (understandably) and you feel some resentment towards your daughter that she might still be struggling with it. Am I right?

FWIW no I don't think a small child is capable of holding it over your head - she is far far too young for that sort of behaviour. She is not manipulating you, and if you treat her genuine fear and anger as though it isn't real then it will make her behaviour worse. At the very least you need to acknowledge that she's struggling.

Whereas my circumstances don't trump the op and every case is obviously different but in my DD's case I can promise you she's been reassured apologized to and we have talked plenty of times about what happened. Whereas I I don't want to punish her unnecessarily and I try to be understanding about how she is feeling I also can't keep making excuses for her behaviour. Truth is she goes out of her way to be deliberately difficult and I dont believe it has anything to do with what happened. We have dealt with that together she knows it wint be happening again. I have more than made up for it and she never really mentions it now. What worries me most is that she's like two different people she can literally just snap out of it and just cheerfully chat about her day like nothing happened when two mins ago she was trashing her bedroom :( sorry op

Why have you apologised to her, and tried to make it up to her, Wheresmy? It wasn't your fault. You don't have to make it better, you just have to acknowledge her feelings. Realising that a parent is mortal is incredibly scary even for a grown up child, never mind a 7 year old and unfortunately you can't really soften the blow, you just have to support her through coming to terms with it.

Why does she "go out of her way to be deliberately difficult," in your opinion?

Having some well deserved glasses of wine. Will check back in after work tomorrow.

Interesting food for thought here from everyone.

Sorry Wheresmy, I think I may have mixed up yours and Claire's posts. What were the circumstances that affected your DD's behaviour?

I'm not the op feel guilty for kinda thread hijacking but I know how she feels in regard to a child who should have out grown the tantrum phase and yet is still throwing themselves around and flipping out. I haven't had my head shut in a door like the poor op and I hope she figures things out too as she sounds a lovely caring mum who has done nothing to warrent the treatment she is getting from her dd.

But like her there was also a difficult period which many would say is a trigger point for her dd and for mine too although luckily I wasn't suffering from cancer I did go thru something which lasted a while and I realize would have affected my dd.

In regards to why I think she is being deliberately difficult it's because I can see her thinking. She knows how to behave and she knows what she has to do bit she chooses to not do it and she chooses to see how far she can push it. She identifies the good behavior then does the opposite. She has admitted as much :( I joined this thread in the hope that those who responded to the <strong>op</strong> also had advice that I could utilize as the children were pretty much ya trimming and flipping out at the same time. :( everyone has raised great points in regards to the <strong>claires</strong> original post but I do Feel that ithe possibility that the child is deliberately being a pain in the butt for no other reason than to be a pain in the butt has been left out and in my DD's case I do feel thats exactly what is happening and I was trying to raise that point invade the <strong>op</strong> felt the same :)

Tantrumming ( damn phone)

"the child is deliberately being a pain in the butt for no other reason than to be a pain in the butt"

Sorry, but that is complete and utter bollocks. No child is a P in the A for no reason. There is always a reason, and the more extreme the behaviour, the more important the reason why. It might cost us to work out why, but that is time and energy well spent. A misunderstood child is an unhappy child.

choco I used to feel that way too but I honestly feel that making allowances cos there "must be a reason* has made things a million times worse. Kids really can be difficult for difficults sake just to see what happens :( and every little thing becomes a stick to beat you with :(

But wheresmy there absolutely must be a reason. No one ever does anything for no reason whatsoever. You've identified the reason yourself - she does it because she likes the outcome. For some reason when she tantrums she gets something that she craves - it might be attention, it might be a reaction, it might be a release for anger, something, but there is always a reason.

What do you mean by "every little thing becomes a stick to beat you with"?

I mean that even asking her to clean her teeth takes forever she gies upstairs runs about comes down to show me something I ask her to go back upstairs clean her teeth we have to go out/do xyz etc she will then go back up go to the toilet then come down to tell
Me she's changed the loo roll or there's a bird outside and eventually does clean her teeth by which time it's too late to do what we need to do and then she's upset despite the fact the reason we can't go or we were in a rush and forgot something was cos it took forever to clean he'd damn teeth but then it's thrown in my face the entire day that we couldn't go to ----

She genuinely likes to play the victim!!!!

It sounds like a pattern of behaviour she's got into. It's your job to get her out of it rather than building it up and letting it continue.

Do you warn her that her dithering will result in her missing out on the activity?

Yep she knows and it makes no difference whatsoever. I could arrange something to do fir a whole day and the second she gets home she's bored we haven't done anything I'm hungry .... If we go out she spends whole time asking for snacks. She plays the poor hard done by child all the time despite all my efforts to change this thru various methods suggested in books on tv in here etc. She genuinely likes to push everything knowing full well it's going to get her nowhere.

But it must be getting her somewhere or else she wouldn't do it. Could she be moaning about things just as a way of interacting with you? Do you respond to her when she moans?

I don't talk to her when she goes I to whiney phase as she just doesn't hear you! I ignore her and she can keep this up2/3 hours with no response from me at all till she's a hysterical wreck. She has no idea why she did it or what she wanted afterwards and she carries on like nothing has happened. She just snaps out of it

How about if you try to change the subject?

No point. She doesn't hear you :( if she's stuck on please mummy I'm.... Whiney tantrum she just repeats it over and over and over and you could tell her the house was on fire she won't register.

Have you talked to her about it when she's calm?

For example took her shopping last week. I had planned a special mummy and dd time where we would get her a couple of bits in the morning and go for lunch together. She spent entire time ( despite snacks on bus and a large breakfast) that she was hungry I want a snack when's lunch etc ( at like half ten) she ruined the whole day and them moaned we didn't do anything