OMG - DD(7) just slammed my head in the door. What to do?

[ClaireFromWork]

DD is still tantrumming. Just now she pinched and pushed her sibling and I went into the playroom to tell her that she had to tidy it up as a punishment for hurting her sister. As I was leaving (I was backing out whilst talking to her) she launched herself at the door and slammed it. My head was in the way and she slammed it onto my head.

In shock. She's been sent to her room but I've had to lock the door because she's gone postal and keeps slamming it and also coming downstairs and raging.

I don't quite know what to do next. She's beyond reason or any kind of discussion right now.

Any advice?

It sounds like anxiety or ritualised behaviour to me - sort of repetitive, pointless behaviour (asking the same things over and over) triggered by some emotion that she can't handle. Have you asked her at other times why she does it?

I've asked her many a time. She doesnt know why. She realizes it's her fault she missed out on something and she realizes it doesn't get her anywhere but she honestly has no idea ( so she tells me) why she does it or even remember what it was all about

In that case it could be anxiety. Did she seem like she really wanted to go shopping?

She was really excited about going that's the thing. My do had take. Day off work to look after her sister and it was going to be a Girly day just for us and she deliberately went ahead and did the two things she knew would annoy me most. It wasn't a reaction to an event that happened on the trip it was something she had clearly planned to do as she started within 15 mins of the journey . K owing exactly what she was doing and that it would result in her being led straight away to a place where she could be timed out and then within a few mins of apologizing for her behavior she went straight ahead and hounded me for an ice cream

How about taking it right back to baby steps?

"DD1 could you brush your teeth please?"
"Teeth!"
"I'll count to 3, then I'll have to help you..."

She'll either do it in a hurry because she doesn't want you to baby her, or she'll let you do it, which means that she feels she needs to be babied in some way, and job done.

Either way, it removes the battle, and you can talk/laugh about it after.

Doesn't work I've tried

There is definitely something going on with her. Please believe me when I say she is not doing this just to get at you. You are her mum and your opinion of her is worth more than the opinion of anyone else she will ever meet in her entire life. She would never do this just to make your life hard. She is too young to really realise the effect it is having.

Sometimes when a child knows a behaviour really annoys their carer they start doing it without actually meaning to - it's a sort of anxious tic, where trying to avoid the behaviour actually results in them doing it even more. It's like when you know you shouldn't laugh and end up in hysterics, you lose control of your behaviour because you're so anxious about it. The fact that she ruins things she looks forward to and doesn't respond during the behaviour makes it seem likely that that's what's going on.

My only advice would be this, and I won't be easy to do - absolutely shower her with positivity. If she starts in on annoying behaviour, say just once that what she's doing is inappropriate, then try starting a normal conversation. Even if she doesn't respond, start saying nice things to her, calm and soothing things, and smile. Ask her for a hug. Do anything positive that might break the behaviour and make her feel less anxious.

It sounds like you two have got into a really negative funk and you're having a hard time seeing the good in her. Any negative feelings you have towards her will be apparent to her, even if you hide them. Without being aware of it you might be being overly harsh or critical because you're wary of the negative behaviour impacting on things. If you just switch entirely to positivity you'll break the funk and hopefully get things back to something more friendly and easy going. It will be incredibly hard at first, but I think it'll work in the long term.

She's a small child, trying to make her way in the world and she's getting it wrong. Help her.

She just never seems to be happy unless she is ruining the time you are trying to spend with her and twisting things so she comes out as all hard done by. :( sounds awful I know but everything we try and do for her or with her she makes it difficult and then she's all teary and sad when she's recounting the story to whoever she's telling :(

You seem to be placing an awful lot of blame on her - she ruins things, she twists things, she makes it difficult. Can you see what a burden that would be for such a young child? She's not a master manipulator, she's a little girls who is clearly not handling things well. Try to remove the negative connotations you're attaching to her, and try to figure out what's going on, otherwise this is just going to continue and get worse. She is a good person, you need to believe that, she just lacks skill in dealing with certain situations and ends up messing it up. It's the same thing as a child who can't do maths and gets it all wrong - you wouldn't say "she makes it difficult" - you would say she finds it hard and try to help her, wouldn't you?

I tell her everyday how proud I am of her how much we all love her, that she's a great big sister. I tell her she's beautiful and she's clever and I really do praise her all the time it's like she can't help it and she's started sabotaging it before she's awarethat she is. I ignore some of the more trivial things to avoid constantly picking on her but instead of it cutting her some slack and allowing her to enjoy the praise she immediately sees it as a green light to go bigger and better :( I have tried so hard already to do all the things u have said and you speak such sense! But I just can't seem to crack it with her. Even praise is immediately followed by her doing something she shouldn't :( but I will try harder I guess it's all I can do x

It sounds so tough. But you have to just look upon at it as a phase that will pass and really try not to take it personally or hold it against her. She will grow out of it eventually. The main thing is that she doesn't get pigeonholed as difficult and whiny because she may never shake that off and will only end up living up to it. Act like she's great and she will be great, eventually. We all have stupid phases in our lives, times when we act like idiots. It's our parents who should politely ignore those phases, saints that they are :)

Ok, this might be completely off the wall, but could she feel under pressure?

There's a condition called 'Pathological Demand Avoidance'. I'm not at all suggesting your DD has it, but some of the techniques that can be used for a person with PDA are really very useful for children who are feeling under pressure.

My DD3 (3.4) is fiercely independent, and so headstrong that she can find herself picking a fight over anything. She can pick a fight over the apple that she desperately wants, but because I've given it to her, she has to say she doesn't want it, because otherwise she's agreed with me

So, some useful techniques:

-Don't directly ask her to do something, just talk about how it needs to be done before you go. So, for example 'right, I'll get my shoes on, otherwise I'll be late. Everyone needs their shoes on...'

-Don't directly praise her, but make sure that she can hear your praise of her. So, for example, saying to someone else 'did you see the picture DD drew? I thought it was fantastic.' That way, she can receive your praise without having to respond to it.

That sort of thing, anyway.

I suppose what I'm saying, is that right now, your posts seem to be about how she needs certain behaviour to meet your expectations. What she needs to know, is that regardless of whether you get any benefit from it, she's still important.

She got into a habit of dumbing herself down at nursery. She got extremely frustrated It's kinda spiraled from there With obviously a few life events that contributed. I do sense alot of frustration still it's asif she forgets that I know that she knows how to behave well and what she's capable of doing.

I know it sounds harsh when I say she does things on
Purpose but she does honestly. I have never ever been cross with her for getting things wrong and she knows she can always and does ask me for help. I'm her mum I'll always be there to help her but there have been times when it's obvious she's deliberately making a
Mistake and she has admitted as such :(

Today was a very sucky day let's just hope she's in a better mood tomorrow and the quiet reflection time has given her a chance to think about her behavior. Our expectations of her really aren't un realistically high. Ultimately we just want her happy and healthy.

That's very interesting about the PDA! She honestly does at times argue over nothing and she would argue pink is orange just to argue about something. She can't accept things are how they are, there's got to be more to it if that makes sense?

wheresmycaffinedrip how old is she?

Only skimmed through the thread, but I had similar issues with my son. I ended up getting support from the family liason officer through the school. dt1 would have tantrums where he'd go apoplectic with rage, scream, stamp, run off, pinch, bite, thump - he was horrible.

In our case the reason turned out to be low self esteem. He had a poor self image - I think constantly comparing himself to a far more outgoing and exuberant twin brother. We had to boost him up, and the school also worked with him. Because he had a low self esteem the slightest little thing would set him off, because he simply couldn't cope. It wasn't anything we were doing wrong as such, it's just the way he is, and he needs a lot more input to keep him level and happy. He needs lots of reassurance and encouragement.

It actually really helped him when hitting trigger points that we reassured him he could cope with things rather than have a tantrum, and he would calm down. When he did explode we'd just leave him to it until he calmed down - I think a couple of hours was his record!

Now he is a lot more confident and the tantrums have stopped. He is still sensitive - he sat and quietly cried yesterday because he brother got to the top of a climbing wall and he couldn't do it! But he is a lot happier.

She is nearly six :)

How is your dd today Claire ? :)

OP, I do wonder whether she's being awful partly as a reaction to you being so ill - my sister was very ill when I was a child, and I remember being very scared at the time, but also not very nice to her afterwards, because I was scared and angry and hurt that SHE made me feel that way! Sort of like when parents shout when they find their lost child before they can feel releived, that sort of thing?

I wonder if another part of it is that she needs proof that you won't go away, like a final test before we can feel stable again, by pushing you away (& then being heart broken if you do withdraw of course!).

Only theories of course. I read a book called playful parenting which deals with directing aggressive play fighting into more positive emotions. Wonder if she needs that kind of physicality of interaction rather than loads of structured activities? I've used the physical play stuff loads to connect with my son (toddler so not comparable), but also with older children/ friend of the family who had had been bullied at school & he really looked isolated & angry. Only thing is you can't start any play fighting(chasing, hugging, tickling not actual fighting!) unless they are a bit calmer than yours is currently, as you won't be able to subtlety change the interactions into relationship building.

I don't normally recommend books but this one really is jolly good & not one of those one-point wonders or other rubbishness.

wheresmy sounds like a nightmare, must feel very hurtful to know she's doing this on purpose, & you sound really at the end of your tether.

For what it's worth, I agree with the general consensus on here that she's got stuck in some weird negative 'schematic' and it's getting repeatedly acted out/ triggered cos she can't handle it. I have a horrible feeling you're going to be hitting your head against a brick wall until you can work out what might be behind it :(

Some stupid suggestions (that you've probably tried already!):

• there are some children's books about feelings & emotions, could you read one togther & see if it sheds any light?

• also have seen flash cards of the same, with loads of different photos of kids faces & the feelings written beneath - could you sit quietly one day & play a kind of 'tell the story in photos' thing? U could do it for any story but mainly I mean getting her to look through & find the photos that match the persons feelings at that point in the story, & talk about it as you go along... 'mum says we have to go, clean your teetg'... How does mum feel? & daughter? Child does x, how does mum feel? & daughter? Etc etc etc... It may help her to connect w her behaviours, & discuss both your feelings, & also give you some more clues about what's going on

• or draw pictures (both of you) to achieve the same kind of thing...

• errm, failing that, could you go to family councelling? Maybe a councellor will have seen this before & be able to help?

wheresmy just a final q, what would have happened if you'd not insisted on teeth brushed & just cut straight to going out?

I had a little chat with her this morning. She admits to doing things on purpose. She apparently doesn't want to be on her own so she hides some of the things she can do and also find about things she can't.

I gently told her that what she shows people is up to her bit act a certain way and you will get treated a certain way. And she can't keep getting angry and stroppy at people who treat her according to what she's said and done or expect them to know she needs help if she won't say ;(

How did she respond? It must have been reassuring to get an explanation/reason that you can work with. Well done you.

She understood I think but will see how it goes. She gets frustrated when she's treated I'm a way where she knows something or can do something and people tell her she can't and she gets upset when I don't see she needs help but I can't help her of she's not telling the truth about things. I'm sure there will be more too it but it's a start.

I just hope she can see that it's not fair to flip out and be so angry at people for (mainly me) for not knowing she's struggling with something when she won't even try or allow herself to do it rather than jumping strait to getting angry and upset to avoid revealing things. There's no shame in needing help and theres no shame in knowing things others don't. Just want her to be herself not feel she has to hide it :(

Well I think you have made real progress. Come back if you need any hand holding.