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Original poster

lies, lies, lies

83 replies

sansouci · 08/03/2006 21:23

dd is lying -- too well. I wish I could say badly but for a 5.6 yr old, she's doing extremely well.

The latest lie was about her homework. Oh no Mummy, we just have to do this. There's no reading tonight.

Lies.

I blew up. Smacked her. Screamed "I hate liars!" at her. Denied her all treats, playing after school with her best friend, etc. I also asked dh to have a word.

So this morning, he said "what do you think we should do about your lying?" "Go to church more often, Dadddy", said she, RC to the core.

It doesn't wash with me.

I'm so upset & a bit too much wine has been consumed this p.m.

Does anyone else have a kid who lies well enough to qualify as a lawyer?

Help.

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Original poster
sansouci · 08/03/2006 21:45

Yeah, of course it's my fault. My mother had terrible rows with her mother & I had terrible rows with mine -- to such an extent that dh & I went for dc #2, even though we're old & broke. Of course it's the sins of the fathers (mothers, in this case). Mea culpa. I'm a rotten mother & I admit it on bended knee here on MN. Okay? Happy?

OP posts:
turniphead · 08/03/2006 21:47

somewhat of an over reaction to a child of that age Shock

cod · 08/03/2006 21:47

oh get over yourself
you ask fro helpa nd you get ti

Piffle · 08/03/2006 21:48

ss, you have been brave (or drunk Wink ) enough to come on here and be honest and ask for help/advice.
Ok, maybe you've gone too far - you know that yourself so no shock there. You want to find a better way to deal with dd, so lets find one for you :)
WE all have shitty days where we lose our rag and say terrible things to our kids.

soapbox · 08/03/2006 21:48

Sansouci - I'm not sure there is a polite way of saying this, but you sound a bit loopy! Is this all that is bothering you - or is it just a small part of something bigger?

You can break the cycle of bad parenting if you choose to do so! It is not an inevitability!

Based on what you have written here tonight - and you have to remember what you write here is all we know of you and how you parent - then perhaps you do need to consider how you might do this!

crazydazy · 08/03/2006 21:49

It seems to me she fancies a bit of an argument.

Original poster
sansouci · 08/03/2006 21:50

And, for the record, I don't give a flying f*ck about her hair, the effing necklace or the damned homework. It's the lying & deviousness of her at effing 5.6 yrs old! I don't bloody run around smacking her for no reason. How many of you holier than thou, sanctimonious old cows can deny having ever wanted to thwack your kid(s) from here to Christmas when things get really, really bad?!

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JanH · 08/03/2006 21:50

Interesting piece in the Guardian on Sat about children living abroad and struggling with language \link{http://www.guardian.co.uk/family/story/0,,1722730,00.html\here}.

Are you OK about living in France, ss? Can't tell if you are English or French. Only that really was an over-reaction (and I know, have been there and done that) and I wondered if you're a bit low maybe.

It is hard to deal with kids who lie, because they seem to get more and more paranoid about owning up (DS2 is like that and he is 12 - I catch him out all the time but he still does it Sad Angry. He also spins for England.) but please believe it doesn't mean she will be a hardened criminal later.

cod · 08/03/2006 21:51

oh ans soucci
go to bed

soapbox · 08/03/2006 21:52

Initial view confirmed then- you have completely lost the plot!!!!

crazydazy · 08/03/2006 21:55

Are things really that bad though? If they are then maybe you need so see a doctor, you sound depressed to me.

Original poster
sansouci · 08/03/2006 21:56

Yes, I've lost the plot... what conceit ever made me want to be a parent in the first place? Yes, I've had a little bit too much of the local "best grape". Yes, I should go to bed & shut up. But I did that last night. And nothing's changed in 24 hours. At least I'm honest enough to sing & smile during the good times and offer advice & comfort to those who feel they're banging their heads against the wall & then bare everything when times are not so good & ask for help. Is that so bad?

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Sparklemagic · 08/03/2006 21:57

sansouci, I do think all your reactions are rather extreme. I completely agree with soapbox when she said that you reaction to this lying was extreme and your last post is a kind of over the top "oh yes it's all me".

I'm sure I did all that your DD is doing to my mum and probably worse as I got older but I never managed to provoke the reaction you had for this homework incident. I honestly think that if you have a calmer and more measured reaction to this sort of lie, it will help you both because you will be in a fit state to explain why it's bad to lie, and she will be more receptive because she has not been shouted at and hit.

Why does it make you so incredibly angry do you think?

As others have said this is a totally normal phase of childhood and she will go through it whether you give yourself the screaming ab-dabs or whether you calmly explain to her why it is wrong and give her some genuine reasons against it, ie people not believing in her when she really needs them to. It is definitely to do with gaining independence and an immature mind's ability to hope that their lie will not be found out. It's a parents job to gently but firmly guide them through this to the realisation that they will be found out and that there are consequences - eg trouble at school.

Original poster
sansouci · 08/03/2006 21:59

Gentle and firm. If only I could always be so!

OP posts:
Sparklemagic · 08/03/2006 22:00

well, yes I know it's not always possible in the real world....but my point is that getting so angry doesn't get you anywhere, doesn't change the behaviour, just leaves you feeling you're about to have a stroke! I just think being calmer helps you if nothing else...

freshstart · 08/03/2006 22:01

I know this may be contentious but sansouci can I just say that I read some of your posts with concern.

Found it hard to read about your DS alone in hospital and finding it hard hearing about the punishments your DD gets for typical 5.6yr old stuff.

Are you ok?

soapbox · 08/03/2006 22:01

Well if it advice you are looking for...

I find that listening rather than ranting is a more effective means of parenting!

It also helps with adult relationships too!

Angeliz · 08/03/2006 22:05

I think your reaction was ott. I think your anger is mispalced, you sound very angry at everything tbh, i don't think a 5 year old fibbing should enrage you that much.

I do think you should chill out and go to bed though as you sound very wound up and are only likely to get more wound up staying here tonight.

crazydazy · 08/03/2006 22:08

Am quite worried about you Sansouci, hope you are feeling better tomorrow.

Original poster
sansouci · 08/03/2006 22:09

No, not okay. But there it is. We're not all perfect.

I love my dc & would do absolutely anything to make sure that they don't make the same mistakes that I did.

I lost my temper with dd because I'm at the end of my tether atm, what with ds still in his corset & all the guilt that goes along with that. Not that it's my fault but...

I don't mean to get people's backs up by being bolshy & confrontational. I feel badly & need to talk. That's all. I don't hit my dc generally. It's the last resort solution and not really a solution at all.

Sorry. I should go to bed.

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freshstart · 08/03/2006 22:10

ahhh didnt realise DS was still getting treatment, I can totally understand why things are so tough and your temper is short.

It was the initial posts of only concentrating ont hese seemlessly normal behaviours causing rage that were worrying.

Hope you feel better tomorrow - can you get some time out?

misdee · 08/03/2006 22:12

you sounds stressed. i have snapped on many occasions during peters illness. the kids do get the sharpend of my tongue and a smack at times. its stress. i now send them to their rooms if i feel that wave of stress and anger mounting up. i have locked myself in the bathroom as well.

Original poster
sansouci · 08/03/2006 22:14

Thanks, freshstart. Kind words are balm! And so is sleep.

So, lying is totally normal behaviour then? I shouldn't be imagining dd in prison or some other institution 15 yrs down the line?

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crazydazy · 08/03/2006 22:15

She's probably just wanting more attention, I find that DD fabricates stories and lies more when she is craving my attention.

Orlando · 08/03/2006 22:17

Look her in the eye v.seriously in the morning and say 'I'm sorry I shouted. I'm going to tell you something that is very hard to say, but which is the truth. I was wrong.' Then shake her hand and make a deal that you will always try to be truthful with each other in the future, even if it's not easy. Then go and do something nice together. (in my house that usually involves hot chocolate.)

She's only 5, but she'll probably remember it. And next time you're not sure if she's telling the truth say very gently 'We had a deal, remember?'