Just want to walk away. Any reassurance or advice re: new baby hell

[OldandUnwise]

Hi... It's my first time posting on Mumsnet so hopefully I'm in the right place. I really need some hand holding and advice (if possible). I'm sitting here in floods of tears and feeling pretty rotten so please be gentle...

I've got a 2 yr old daughter and a 2 week old baby boy. I am struggling with the baby. He eats every two hours around the clock and doesn't go to sleep without a battle - and then only for half an hour at a time. By the time he's fed and winded he's just warming up to holler for his next meal. I am so far beyond exhausted as I think the longest spell I've been asleep is 20 minutes since coming out of the hospital. I've picked up and put down, shushed and patted, rocked, cuddled, stroked, etc. 'til time for the next feed. He won't sleep in his pram, on top of me, in his moses basket, in his bouncy chair... My husband does help out at night but I am awake anyway as he is sleeping (Ha. Or not) in with us and I just spend my nights listening to all the noise.

My poor daughter is getting so sick of Cbeebies and Pingu as I am pretty much unable to do anything with her as I am permanently attached to the baby. I can't think of anything pleasant about trying to play with her with him screaming in the background. I can't even take her to the park as he just hollers in the pram. A sling/carrier would be incredibly hot as we live in southern Spain. I also struggle with the weather as I am definitely NOT a heat/sun lover (red hair and freckles!).

I just feel like a complete failure and that I'm the only person struggling with a new baby. The tiny, remaining rational portion of my brain says that this is not the case but it's been well and truly overruled and will likely soon be evicted due to exhaustion.

I don't remember it being this hard with my daughter but then again there was only her AND she would at least sleep in her pram and a little bit at night so I just spent my days walking and walking and walking...

I'm also pretty much alone here with no family or friends.

Can anyone offer any reassurance or advice? I just feel like walking away (I won't though!). I can't even have a good cry, a good nights sleep and look forward to a new day. There is no chance of sleep and tomorrow is going to be just as shit as today if not worse.

You poor thing. Firstly, it WILL get better. You have to believe that it will, someday, hopfully soon, get better.
Do you think your baby has reflux? The screaming round the clock sounds like it might be a possibility. I've never experienced it but plenty of people on here have, so hopefully someone more knowledgeable will be along soon.

YY to reflux or massively overtired. Or hot.

Try a sling with him just in a nappy. Get him a dummy.

The first few weeks are hell - my dd was like this and I didn't know what to do with DS (2.6). I used a fabric sling in the end - DD would settle in it and it made nights a lot easier as at least she was rested). Stay inside during the worse of the heat and get outside first thing.

You wont settle into a routine just yet. Your goals are to make sure you get to the end of the day with everyone alive and fed. Get your DD some new toys, take her out for an hour a day, get people over to take your mind of things.

Goodness, you must be knackered. How long is he feeding for? Is he falling asleep as he's feeding? This would mean that he's not quite full, so he will wake up a lot and want feeding again. They do also go through a growth spurt at 2, 6 and 12 weeks, where they want to feed a lot. Are you able to express some milk so your DH can take over?

Sorry - my phone is a bit rubbish for posting!

Both of mine also had reflux but being overtired gives similar symptoms. I know you said a sling was a no but believe me it was like magic.

You really do forget just how needy newborns are. They really are. They need 24 hour cuddles and a ridiculous amounr of sleep. Try a sling but don't go out when it's too hot. Are there any local mums/baby groups?

Get your DH to take over - is he around in the evening? Can he put your eldest to bed and sort her in the mornings?

I don't have much advice, apart from to say it WILL get easier. You really are not the only person struggling. Try and see if someone will take the baby for a walk for a couple of hours between feeds and get your head down. Lack of sleep is awful and even a couple of hours will help. Sending lots of love your way.

Get your OH to take him out to scream in the pram at the park for some hours with your DD so you can get some quality sleep.
Try baby massage which helped soothe my DD2 who also cried a lot in the first weeks.

I so know how you're feeling. My dd1 was a living nightmare from the day she was born, even in the hospital she would eat/cry loads and sleep hardly ever. I have worked out since then that she probably had reflux but people were not as clued up then. As long as I held her she would be peaceful (but not asleep) but 5/10mins after laying her down off she went at full volume till I picked her up or she was sick (whichever happened first). I remember one night (3am) sitting on the front doorstep talking to my Mum on the phone cause I was scared I'd hurt her from pure tiredness and frustration. It sometimes gets to the point where you have to walk away and gather yourself to be able to keep going. I was a single mum in a new country so had no family or friends (only my Mum) and it IS hard.

Do get your LO checked and rule out medical causes. I know it's hot, but have you tried muslin swaddling? It's the one thing that has settled all my other children (yes, I did eventually have more!). I'm sorry I can't offer more advice, but I just had to tell you you're doing great in a very difficult situation.

Oh poor you. babies are very demanding and when it is no 2 that is coupled with the guilt of not paying any attention to no 1. Have you got anyone who could help you during the day? When we had 2 under 2 I had a student who came a couple of hours a day and just helped out - either playing with DC1 or holding the baby while I played with DC1. it made a huge difference.

It will get better but it is really hard and you sound as if you are doing just as well as anyone under the circumstances.

Poor you. Sounds like baby might still be hungry after a feed - is latch etc. all ok? Your tiredness might be affecting your supply...get hubby to take then out for a couple of hours so you can catch up on sleep if you can

Thanks everyone. I'm feeling a little bit more objective today as I did manage to get a bit of sleep last night as hubby slept downstairs with the baby - I think when I lobbed the tv remote across the room as he (baby not husband!) started screaming yet a-bloody-gain it was a sign that I was nearing my limit... Anyhow...

I don't think baby has reflux... He doesn't throw up-he sometimes has some sicky burps but that's normal right? Although he does feed a lot he does have a big amount (3-4 ozs) each time which to me would indicate that he is actually hungry rather than sucking for comfort. He is a windy little bugger though and spends a lot of time fighting with it in between burping and farting.

I do have a fine selection of dummies for him to choose from and he does use them. He is also trying to get his thumb in (bless him - it is very frustrating for him as he has minimal control over his limbs let alone digits).

I think tiredness is a problem as he is getting to be a world class sleep fighter. And this makes me absolutely crazy - Why? Why? Why?!!! The way he carries on is quite violent and he gets really, really angry. I'm also really bad at getting him to bed at that perfect moment - and sometimes I just can't as I'm occupied with something else. And even when he IS sleepy as soon as I even contemplate putting him into his bed his eyes ping open . Then the window of oportunity is gone and the remainder of the day is spent trying to minimise the screaming.

I will try a sling. If he likes it (right now tolerate = like) it might make it possible to even get through the grocery store without him screaming the place down. Right now there is no chance whatsoever of me trying to go grocery shopping on my own with him.

Well, true to form that was ten minutes of quiet from him... Now I get to listen to him scream for the next 6 hours. I am no longer objective and calm...

Poor you that sounds really hard. My DS was exactly like yours - he spent most of his first 6 weeks crying and would only sleep on me or DH if we were upright. He was my first so I can't imagine how hard it must be with 2. I actually thought I was going to die from lack of sleep at one point and was practically hallucinating from tiredness. Is there any way you could get some outside help in at all? Like a mothers help or a student as agnes suggested. I was too ashamed to tell anyone at the time (as I thought it would look as though I wasn't coping) but we hired a night nanny for 4 nights spread over two weeks. It was so expensive but I still think it was worth it as I think it saved my sanity. Even though I was breastfeeding at the time, I could at least sleep in between feeds while the nanny held DS.

I would also second a sling. My DS hated the baby bjorn but then we got a moby wrap and once I figured out how to use it it made a real difference, as he would drop off quickly in it and I would have my hands free.

My DS was a needy newborn. I too live in a place with hot summers. When summer came, DS was about 3 months, he was bfing ALL the time and I was pulling my hair out. I think the heat makes them thirsty and bad-tempered an hard to fall asleep too. Yours is probably also going through various growth spurts etc. I would feed on demand, lay him in shady spots naked. Dab with wet flannels in the heat of the day. Tickle feet with water in a bowl.

The sling worked for me when it started to get cooler in the evenings, otherwise he was always over my or DH's shoulder, always upright. Naps were a nightmare - sounds exactly like yours - they got better as he got older and when I realised that leaving to cry for a minute was all he needed to fall asleep (obviously 2 weeks is too young for this). He got better in prams when he could be propped up a bit and see out. Is co-sleeping a good idea if it's so hot?

I'm due a second when DS will be 2 too, so I expected I'll be posting just like you on here for advice! Hold on - it WILL get better. It's so not fun when there aren't any family members to hand the baby over to, but your DH sounds great - mine cowered in the spare room to leave me with the nightime firefighting!

Oh God, poor you. My baby was like this, only I didn't have an older child to contend with as well. Honestly? It passes. It goes. In the meantime, life is pretty much shit. BUT it does go really quite fast - it's just that at the time, it feels anything but.

My advice would be to post on Australian sling-wearer sites to ask for advice on slings and hot weather. They often do use them there in 40 degree heat, so it must be possible. In fact Hug a Bub is a company based a few miles out of Sydney. A high needs baby will do better carried, as a rule - mine did.

Hang on to the fact that this will pass. It's sheer hell, but it will seem a distant dream within a very few months. The other thing is to do whatever you need to to stay sane. I went with the flow; co-slept, fed on demand, baby-wore. It suited me, and over time it suited DS, despite my Mum's anxiety about routines and wanting to shove him into one; coaxing more feeds, waking from naps, all that. It wasn't me, or us, so I ignored her. Likewise, if your child doesn't fit that and you need to do the full Contented Little Baby routine max, do not allow anyone to make you feel bad. Your sanity is more important than anything else because your kids rely on you, so do what you need to.

Do you have a good friend who could visit, and help clear up/cook, shop for food, let you catch up on sleep and play with DDd and take her out? You do after all live in Southern Spain, so it isn't like you'd be calling in that favour for Skegness in February. . And another adult can really make all the difference, in my experience.

Thanks everyone. It's a bit of a comfort to know that I'm not the only one and that there is (likely) nothing seriously out of the ordinary with the little one.

I've ordered a carrier that I think I'll get on with (Connecta Solarweave) as I cannot abide the wrap/ring sling type things. Fingers crossed it helps - even with little things like grocery shopping. I know people all over the world from very hot, arid climates to muggy, tropical ones carry their babies - It's more me being a big wimp in the sun and heat. I cannot stand it and am so glad this is our last summer here.

I think it is a lack of sleep (for all of us!) that is making me so crazy. Last night it took an hour to get him to go to (what passes as) sleep and he was shrieking away with exhausted, red, puffy eyes fighting it with every fibre of his little being. Why? Why? Why? It's all day, everyday this refusal to just relax and sleep - you can see him physically fighting it.

I would LOVE to see the Contented Baby woman sort out my ds. What with his 11 (substantial) feeds a day and boggle eyes. I can't see how THAT would work. On the other hand co-sleeping and constant baby wearing wouldn't suit me either. I'm hoping that things will settle down over the next couple of/few weeks and we can find a happy medium between the two. I say that now as calm is restored (albeit briefly) but at 3 am I may not be so rational!

I think I'll end up rereading these posts when things get tough (about 20 times a day ) and will likely be needing more help in the future. It's been such a help and I wish I'd discovered Mumsnet earlier! Thank you

Just wanted to pop on quickly and offer support - it sounds so tough for you right now - I hated people telling me that DD's screaming and constant feeding 'would pass' - I simply didn't believe them. Life will not be this bleak forever, or even for long...please do believe it.

Also just wanted to say that my DD protested a lot when I first introduced her to the (wrap) sling. But I was grimly determined (I even had a song that went 'you do like it, you DO like it...') and it ended up being the only guaranteed way she would sleep. If he screams when you put him in it for the first few times, keep marching around and jiggling him, even do half squats if you're able. He'll get to like it eventually and it will SAVE YOUR LIFE.

I am not idealogically drawn to babywearing or co-sleeping etc. but they definitely had their uses at the time. DD is 6 months now and is becoming more lovely and enjoyable every day.

Keep posting x

How about the screaming... ? I'm so fed up with the screaming to avoid sleeping thing. I've just left him to it for a couple of minutes as it is making me nuts. I cuddle him he just writhes around as his eyes roll around. I put him in his bed and he shoots his dummy out and screams and claws at his head. Put the dummy in and his eyes start to go again and out it comes and recommences screaming... Oh the joys.... Off to try cuddling again as I turn up the white noise a couple of notches...

This is probably the last thing you want to do in the heat, but would you try getting into the bath with him (only if your DH is around to take him off you when you're getting out)? The water and the skin contact might calm him down to stop screaming. It used to work for my little one. But I guess it would have to be a bath at the right temperature, not too hot obviously but not freezing either. It might even help him get up some wind if he's calm on your chest in there...and that would have a knock-on effect on the screaming, I'm sure.

Your DH could bath with him either.

If a bath isn't an option try cuddling him while walking up or down some stairs (only if you're able!).

Do you get that rush of adrenalin/anger/milk coming in response when you hear him screaming? It's so hard to stay calm...mothers are just hardwired to get distressed when they hear their babies crying.

Dance music with a beat, pitch dark room, dummy in. Rock baby to sleep. Used to take about ten minutes to get baby to sleep (which felt like an age so I timed it) when DD had got to the point of no return.

I used to do it to Michael Jacksons "Beat it"!

Mine was like this...White noise, loud hairdryer, washing machine or spin cycle helped to get him off to sleep. As it's hot can you get a fan? Muslin swaddle, just In a nappy...feel for you, it's bloody awful and I moved to hot country when DS was 13 weeks so double sympathy. It will pass but that's not much good at the moment. Anyone who can hold and jiggle the baby, let them, see if he drops off that way. It's just grim.

Oh God. I remember spinning madly round the living room with DS as it was the only thing to calm him!
He loved the sling.
Any chance you can invite a friend with a child your DDs age. They can hold baby, toddler can play with DD and you can collapse on the floor in a heap!
How about a baby swing? My ds used to fall asleep in his. The faster the better!
Perhaps it's a growth spurt? Hoping for sleep soon.

One very practical suggestion as to how to get out if a sling is too hot and he doesn't like the pram; do you have a car seat that slots onto your buggy? For some reason when DS was a baby and was exactly as you describe, he would sit happily in the car seat on the pram but not in the pram itself. It's the only way we ever managed to leave the house.

Just to add to the helpful advice above that it may be reflux even if he isn't being sick - can't link right now but you might want to look up silent reflux. It certainly sounds like it could be this - frequent feeding and poor settling are big indicators. Sucking on a dummy can really help with reflux, as can being kept upright after feeds.

I would be trying to rule out pain. I'd visit a cranial osteopath in your circumstances, just to check. I'd also visit a sympathetic GP and say that something isn't quite right.

For me, the first few weeks are just about getting through them. I wore my baby for the first few months. Hang in there with the constant feeding too - it will get better around week 6/7 hopefully. It certainly did here.