Please dont laugh, my son has really upset me

[WhatIsGoingOn]

Im a regular with a name change obviously. All afternoon my neighbour's kitten has been in our house. (we have cats of our own) and my children have been loving it to death and playing with it. My son is 8 and he adores animals. I was sitting here at the pc when i suddenly noticed ds doing something very strange. He had this kitten held in the air, both of his hands around its throat, shaking it. He wasn't laughing or anything like that, he looked in a trance if anything. I cried out in shock and he dropped the cat. I can't believe he did something so cruel.

Now before you think my son is just a nasty little stbag (as tbh i think i would if i saw another child do this), my son is the most gentle boy you could ever meet. This is why it worries me so much, it is so out of character for him. He's never been like other boys his age, he doesn't even stamp on ants! He loves all creatures. He writes me letters telling me how much he loves me. He still takes a soft toy to bed (i know, i know). Sometimes i worry he's too soft but he is a really nice child, is polite and well behaved. He doesnt ever have tempers, he hardly ever cries (in fact apart from when he was a baby i think i've only ever seen him cry about 3 times).

But he does have a tendency to act very strangely at times. He gets "moody". Very much how teenagers do aswell. He thinks strange thoughts. Just before he did this he had made a little book with pictures of our cats in it and their names. It was a sweet book apart from the bit that said "It's nice to have dark powers" and pictures of animal "gods". I kid you not. It freaked me out, (i dont mean that i think he's possessed, i dont believe in all that stuff!). I just mean it freaks me out that he has thoughts like that and i dont know where it has come from, this little boy is scared of his own shadow.

Im upset. I dont know why he acts the way he does. His behaviour seems to me that of an abused child. (not this incident in particular but his general "wierdness" ), but he's had a very good childhood. He's well loved and cared for, has everything he wants (within reason). I dont know where im going wrong and have been feeling like this for some time, tonight was just the last straw. He was such a happy, bright toddler full of sunshine and over the last few years he's turned into this strange, withdrawn, overly sensitive boy.

I asked him why he hurt the cat. He looked totally ashamed and upset and said he didnt mean to. I told him that he knew doing that to the cat could hurt or even kill it. He just said he didnt know why he did it.

Now if you're going to take the piss please dont do it here, i know it may appear comical to some of you but i really don't need that right now. Am hoping for some explaination or advice on why my son is doing things like this.

Thanks for reading if you got this far.

Dont know what to say really, That sentence is worrying but it sounds like something off tv , comic or play station game, perhaps something that you don't know he's seen.

Oh no. I don't know what to say which will be of use to you. Is he having an ok time at school? Being picked on/bullied and not telling you?

Very sorry you are feeling this way - you really sound very upset tonight.
BTW the darl powers bit in the scrap bool sounds like imagination and stories to me TBH it's the kind of thing I would do as a kid, inventing stories with baddies and devils in them (too much sunday school I think in my case)

I have no idea how to help but I would be really upset if my ds did this, I dont think you are alone in feeling upset.

My ds says some really odd things too sometimes - "I want to eat meat because I want animals to suffer" that kind of thing

I'm afraid I haven't got any advice, other than to offer sympathy. Could he have done it BECAUSE he knew it was bad, to see what the reaction was, iyswim? Reaction being not only from your but from kitten.
Could he have seen something similar on TV?
Is he OK at school - have his teachers noticed anything? If you're worried it might be an idea to talk to his teacher, if you feel able, to see what he's like there.
Sorry can't offer more advice but I really do sympathise having been through something similar with ds1 a few years ago.

It's a shock when your child acts in a way that is really shocking. My ds did something not so long ago which blew me away - not in a nice way - and I wondered if I ever really knew what he was really like.

He could have picked things up from a book - childrens' fiction is actually pretty gruesome and grisly - my other ds reads vampire stories by Darren Shan and I wonder if I should let him sometimes.

Kids play weird games in the plaground, so it could all be just an extension of that. If your discipline and behavioural expectations of him remain high, the message of right and wrong will get through to him, I'm sure.

when it's your own kids, you can blow things out of proprtion as you wonder if you have had any influence on the behaviour - you know, was it my fault sort of thing?

Have a chat with his teacher, see if there are any concerns there.

I'm sorry your having a bad time, my ds1 (nearly 6) tried to get a knife from the drawer the other day cos he wanted to kil his sister!!

It really upset me cos i could'nt get him to understand how wrong/dangerous and FINAL it would have been if i had'nt caught him, he just kept smirking at me.

sorry not much help to you but wanted to let you know your not alone iyswim

Its not particularly the comment in the book that worries me although i did wonder if that had anything to do with what he did (like you say, i dont know what tv he is allowed to watch elsewhere), its more the things he does and the fact he didn't seem to know what he was doing. He sort of "woke up" when i yelled iyswim. He has not been brought up like this, he is taught to respect animals as he would a human. Im more worried that if he can "drift off" and do that, what else could he drift off and do? He is a very strange child in a lot of ways.

I think sometimes children do things because they become fascinated and want to see what will happen. My dd, for instance will do things that she does know are not good to do (drawing on the table, bending a piece of jewellery, etc.) but becomes so rapt with the actual process that she does not think about what will happen after, and indeed sometimes cries when she has broken something or when she comes to the full realization of what she has done. I don't know if that is at all helpful, but perhaps your son is somewhat similar.

I really would have a word with his teacher. If there had been any concerns at school they really should have contacted you already, but it might be that they could shed some light on his behaviour - if he's been in the trance-like state there, for instance.
It probably is just a stage he's going through, but for your peace of mind, and to help him if he needs it, I'd definitely start with school.

A couple of the things you said rang alarm bells for me. My advice to you would be to speak to his teachers - be very open, and ask have they noticed anything. I would also suggest you consider going to your gp. The reason I suggest this is that you mentioned a 'trance like state', also you mention strange thoughts and behaviours, mood swings and some measure of disassociation.

OK bare with me because I've had a glass or two of wine so I'm going to play amateur phsychologist here ...

I don't think this is all that unusual tbh. I remember my brother doing similar things and he was then, and still is, a lovely, generous sort of person who wouldn't do any real harm. He had a dark streak, like so many people do.

Perhaps he was experimenting with pain. Perhaps he has been upset by people at school and wants to experiment with upsetting something else which he deems to be relatively safe.

I would try not to be too shocked as you don't want to make him feel weird or bad, as it may be self-perpetuating.

Also, we have a dark side. It's part of human nature though we do our best to conceal it. You probably weren't meant to see that and he may well be mortified. Most people eat meat. A child of eight will probably have thought through what has to happen in order for the chicken to get on his plate.

It sounds to me like he's the sort of boy who really wants and needs to be good and to be liked. My dd is the same and lately I've discovered she's been telling quite a few lies. I feel it's part of her quest to be perfect which is bound to spill over into disappointment and frustration.

I don't know if I'm making any sense at all. I also believe that men (huge sweeping generalisation alert) have a different energy from women. We are more caring and nurturing and can often find behaviour - which is fuelled by testosterone - quite shocking. Your son was probably experimenting with his own fears in his own world.

I would let it go and not worry too much.

HTH.

Testosterone is about power. It was used to chase, hunt and kill animals and also to run from predators. It's the same hormone it always was. We forget we're animals sometimes in this sanitised culture we've built around ourselves.

I think i will talk to his school again but they are pretty hot on bullying and such. Its a very good school and they have told me before that they have noticed his behaviour is strange. Its easy to go over the top i think, i was so disappointed in him tonight.

invalidusername, why do you say it rings alarm bells btw? meant to add that in my last post.

I think asking the school's advice is a good idea. Maybe you could make an appointment with the educational psychologist who might be able to give you some advice or speak to your son? I teach and I've always found them to be really helpful and able to offer a valuable insight into things I hadn't thought of.

If this is a one off I wouldn't worry about it tbh. Your thread has reminded me of being horrible to my dog (that I adored) - as a one off- when I was a child about that age, and I loved animals (still do). It must have shaken me up to remember it almost 30 years later! The trance may have just been a kind of concentration. If it was happening all the time then I would be concerned, but as a one off I would just keep my eyes open. Would have thought it would be well outside the remit of an Ed Psych to be honest, currently they're usually teachers with extra training. If you wanted to talk to someone professional about it (although I think you'd be jumping the gun now), then I would say you'd need to see a clinical psych or psychiatrist really.

DS2 is over sensitive and I find it really hard to get him to tell me when things are bothering him- he clams up, sometimes I need to use sideways maneouvers (spelling?) to get it out of him. And often I can't!

I remember a similar incident a few years ago, both my children are now aged 10 and 11.Dh and myself could hear the children messing about outside in the backyard, we went out to see what was going on. We were both horrified, and angrythe kids were having a snail stamping competition. There was dead snails all over the patio. I just couldnt beleive it, I thought OMG. Without hesitation, we sent them both to there rooms and to have a think about what they had done.
People may laugh and think that we were OTT, but i dont care.Dh and I refuse to bring our children up to hurt living things,its not right, so I can imagine what you are going through.
I do agree with some others, have an open chat with his teacher, find out if there is anything going on that might be upsetting him at school.
Let us know how you are getting on.
Good luck!

I would go to your gp . Just because of the trance situation . I wouldnt be dissapointed in him he is still the same loving kind little boy and as you say everything is normal at home so may be he needs to talk to someone or get checked over for anything medically wrong . Best of luck I am sure it will sort itself out with a little help .

I think you will know whether you are really worried about him and will go to your GP if you feel you must - but I want to add my voice to the others who have said that what you describe doesn't sound that bad! The book with the cats sounds a product of a lively imagination - the animal gods sound interesting to me and make me think of how the egyptians viewed cats! Don't forget he is learning all sorts at school and processing it through an 8 yr old mind.

Also with the strangling the cat thing, I really wanted to say that at 8 I don't think it's a sign of anything! I remember being cross about something one day and just beating up a little boy (brother of a friend), really hitting him and kicking him!!!!! Horrible, nasty thing to do and I really was the softest, most loving, affectionate and extremely sensitive child. It's just that as a young child you simply don't have the tools to deal with all your feelings and they can come out in odd ways.

I'd check with school how he is currently too. If they have no concerns I think you should relax.

Also meant to say as a child you do have a kind of compulsion to have an effect on things - most of your life is out of your control and you sense that you are a powerless person, so most kids experiment with being the powerful one for a change - that's why they can sometimes be cruel to animals or bully other children. I'm not saying this is fine, just that it's natural and part of learning about life is learning not to do this.

My DH did things like that to animals a couple of times when he was a kid, and felt hugely ashamed and bad - and didnt' understand why he did it. Now as an adult (who has had some therapy), with hindsight and awareness, he thinks it was to do with needing to express rage/power/hurt and not knowing how to.
He was also a sensitive, loving little boy - but didnt' know how to have or express the other side of himself. In his case, it was probably because his father was a bullying, angry man and DH didnt' want to be like him - so squished down his own anger and power.

I'm not saying the latter is the case for your DS at all, the reasons are probably totally different - but maybe he too finds it difficult to explore/own/express his own rage and power, or think its not ok in some way? And if he finds it disturbing, it will come out in 'disturbing' ways.
At the same time, I do think its normal for kids to go through phases of talking about 'dark powers' - if you think of how kids love bloodthirsty play, thats par for the course.
And I would'nt dream of taking the piss...I know I'd have felt upset and shaken in your shoes.

My brother attacked me with a kitchen knife when he was about 8-- I had been winding him up but still.
He is completely non-violent, never had fights at school or beyond, and is now a loving father/brother/son

If you did mean in your original post that there is a very real and continual pattern of very strange behaviour, and I was not misunderstanding, I would be concerned. The things that really made me think were you saying he has very strange and dark thoughts, especially when you said he talked of dark powers. Is he hearing voices that, for example, told him to strangle the cat? You did ask for opinions and mine is that in your position I would be asking for reassurance from a specialist that we were not looking at Childhood-Onset Schizophrenia

Whatisgoingon,

Has anything happened in your family unit or at school that could worry him?

I too have a ds just nine and he is number 3 of 5

like your boy mine is not a boys boy and indeed they sound similar ( mine loves soft toys and has a bed full)

Mine displays some slightly obsessional behaviours ( has to be in bed with light off at a certain time otherwise gets jittery about not getting enough sleep) odd things...bits and bobs...

School think he is a delight and very mature which i just dont see ...i even once consulted school nurse over sleep and she said ignore it. HOWEVER on the birth of fourth baby my boy went a bit odd ( including dropping cat from banister) he took photos out of the photo albums and tore them up ( unbeknown to us) and took to hiding things.... He is now nine and we have just had fifth baby . Things have started to go missing.....

I understand where you are coming from because it makes me cry...I say to dh 'it seems like the action of a mental person' I know that sounds silly and i am over simplifying it but ...

Maybe its a boy thing and odd little outbursts shiw that emotions have been brewing uo that maybe they cant cope with and instead of a cry and a snuggle they do something else.....

I dont know-- but i do understand you.

Whatisgoingon
I have also been worried in the past that my children have been cruel to animals. I thought it came naturally, to be nice to animals, I didnt think you had to teach them.
ds was fairly down on the cat, a couple of years ago, when he was 6, and I believe he also picked it up by its neck. I believe now that I have taught him to be ashamed of such behaviour, and to treat animals with respect.

I also worry about the mindless violence that my children see on tv, because this is something that never entered my childhood. Tv definitely affects my children, and they definitely copy what they see.

I know that I did things without knowing why I was doing them, when I was five. So it is not too much of an extension to think that an 8 year old might behave in the same way.