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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

When do you start to let "go" of your children?

26 replies

Blossomhill · 28/02/2006 22:20

Funny question I know. It's just after reading about an 8 yr old walking home from school it really has made me think.
To be perfectly honest it wouldn't even cross my mind to let me 8 yr old walk home on his own. I am not putting anyone down that does btw.
Just saying that I wouldn't feel happy in myself doing it. Infact I still cross my ds's hand when crossing roads.
I just don't know when I will be able to say right he can go out without an adult.

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QE2 · 28/02/2006 22:28

Hi Blossomhill, Think it has less to do with their age and more to do with their emotional maturity tbh. eg I let dd make a cup of tea from when she was about 7 but I wouldn't let ds2 anywhere near the kettle and he is 10! I've let him walk alone to and from school from when he was 7 or 8 on occasions though - then again it's not far.

Piffle · 28/02/2006 22:36

I know what you mean Blossom
My hand was forced with ds having to walk to school as I was so ill. I was worried and he was, luckily we had a lot of friends also walking and it was very close.
He is 12 now and I get worried about him playing out, having a coat on. So only now relaly, he will walk into our village sometimes with his cashcard to buy art supplies
Its then when I think... where has my baby gone.
With dd it will be different, with her specific special needs (poor eyesight and being small) I will be less liekly to let hr out unattended.
Ds was big, streetwise and ready I think.
Also we lived in small villages, so there was a degree of safety within that too....

charliecat · 28/02/2006 22:38

Not yet! My dds are 8 and 5 and the 8 year old probably has less road awareness than the 5 year old if thats possible.
I am TRYING to make them more road aware...ie look ALL AROUND you when getting out of the car bla bla bla...but they assume Mummy has already looked and made sure its safe.
And when we are crossing roads I sometimes ask the oldest one to judge when its ok to cross...
but I wont be letting them go anywhere for a while yet.

shimmy21 · 28/02/2006 22:58

I've just started letting 9yo ds walk home on his own occasionally (only 1 small street to cross and walk of about 500m). He loves it and is far mor careful and observant than he is when with me. (I know because I've spied on him!) I find it difficult to let go but I do believe that we cannot teach our children to develop responsibility without giving them some freedom to exercise it.

pebblemum · 28/02/2006 23:16

My ds1 will be 9 in may and as I wrote on the other thread he has just started walking home on his own again after a few problems with another child. We only live 5mins away and there is a lollipop man to help him cross the only busy road so that has probably helped my decision.

I think it depend on the child and also the area you live in as to how much freedom people tend to allow their children.

It is nice when they start getting a bit more independant but at the same time it is horrible as they aren't your babies any more. There is still a lot of things I dont allow DS1 to do but know there will come a day when i have to let go. Then again if he ends up anything like my dh he will be tied to my apron(and purse)strings for a very long time yet (dh is 28 but very much a mummy's boy, dont tell him i said that)

anniebear · 01/03/2006 08:10

Mine are never walking home on their own

lol, then again, they are only 4 at the moment!!

prettybird · 01/03/2006 09:00

I think it is important to teach them how to be independent.

Even though ds is only 5, every time we cross the road, I get him to tell me if it is safe to cross. Last week, I even let him take full "responsibility" for corssing - which he did as if he were a Lollipop Man, looking and listeneing all the way over. This is on relatively quiet suburban roads - bit if you don't start, they are never going to learn roaad awareness.

I would certainly expect that by 8 he would be walking to school himself - about a 10 minute walk away.

Mybe I am influenced by being an older monther - by 8, I was taking trains on my own, walking up dark paths to go to ballet lessons - I don't see why ds shouldn't have the same freedom.

In my view, the only real thing that has changed is the danger from traffic - which is why I am working so hard in developing traffic sense. At the moment ds won't cross the road if he can see any car - even one right at the end of the (long) street - but I would much rather he erred on the side of caution. I am aware that it will be a while before he can judge speed - so therefore his current approach is the right one.

carla · 01/03/2006 09:05

BH, I was only thinking that yesterday. There's a local independant school near us, and, coming back from the shops, an (must've been) 11 year old was crossing that busy road.

By the same token, dd1 was 6 when her school took her class off for 3 nights. That was hell.

I don't know the answer to your question, but for me it will be a long while off. I guess they just get to the stage where they tell you to leave them alone. I don't know, but it does worry me.

prettybird · 01/03/2006 09:55

meant to add that ds already gets a lot of "independence": we have a large garden and he plays outside with minimal supervision. He know he is not allowed out on to the pavement, and will stand at the gateway and shout at his wee friend in the house across the road, who likewise stands in his gateway (and then he'll come in and pester me to phone hs friend's parents to see if he can go over/his friend come over).

First step towrds more independence will be allwoing him to corss the road on his own. It's a bit off yet: while we live in a quiet suburban area, it is an extremely wide, straight road, and despite the 220's plenty" signs at either end, there are still too many cars who speed excessively along the road.

zazas · 01/03/2006 14:42

My 8 yr old DD is desperate to be allowed to do things on her own. I had loads of independence as a child (grew up in NZ - pretty relaxed parents!) and want the same for my children. I have also taught her road sense and like you prettybird have encouraged her to err on the side of caution around cars. She is old enough to go swimming on her own now and wants to walk the short distance to the pool with a friend have a swim and buy something at the cafe and walk home! I trust her to do this safely but others I have talked to think she is too young... Maybe I should do it in small stages - let her walk to pool on her own and i will meet her there in a short while? Personally I LOVED walking to and from school on my own with my younger brother and friends - we played and explored and they are treasured memories.

prettybird · 01/03/2006 14:56

Why don't you follow her the first ime - with her knowing. And the next time, let her go, and as you suggest, join her a bit later. The time after, join her in the cafe efterwards. The time after, agree a time she is to be home.

You know your child and whether she is ready.

That's how my mum taught me to go to my ballet classes: did it a few times with me, then followed me a couple of times, with me knwing that she was following me, so that I could demonstrate I knew what to do. I ams ure that she still followed me a couple of times after that, but just didn't tell me!

How do her friend's parents feel about their daughter going off on her own? They may be a bit upset if they think you are supervising.

zazas · 01/03/2006 15:02

Good idea prettybird - remember now that was also how my Mother did things with me! She hasn't found any friends yet whose parents will let them......! She is keen even to go on her own - enjoys her own company quite alot!

prettybird · 01/03/2006 15:10

Where were you in NZ?

I spent a couple of years in New Plymouth in my teens (this was back in the mid 70s).

Tortington · 01/03/2006 16:02

well i gave them the obliatory hug when they are thrown unceremoniously onto your belly after birth. started letting go right after that.

zazas · 01/03/2006 18:29

Born and raised in Auckland - 4 years at Uni in Wellington then did the big OE and forgot to go back......... I know New Plymouth a little! I wonder if it has changed much since the 70's!!

prettybird · 02/03/2006 08:46

I wonder... I think that was part of the problem - if we'd gone to a bigger city, we might have stayed, but NP was a bit parochial!

swedishmum · 02/03/2006 09:39

Living in the country means my lot don't havemuch freedom on the roads but in Stockholm last year my then 8 and 9 year olds went sledging and biking to the park just opposite and would go off to the shops together (strict time limit), library etc. I find lots of country children really lack roadsense round here. Dh came across a local child yesterday going down the hill on a mini moto, no helmet, dressed in black, no lights and after dark. He was on the wrong side of the road and narrowly avoided being run over by our large people carrier as a car was going the other way. He's 11.
My dd2 (now 10) finds her lack of independence here frustrating. I do leave them at the cinema usually with dd12, and split up from them while out shopping to meet later. They have phones for this purpose only.

zazas · 02/03/2006 09:41

Well it certainly wouldn't have been my first choice where to live as a teenager in NZ! Have some funny memories of spending time there twiddling thumbs with a group of friends on a weekend break from uni - it might have moved on somewhat now..... :)

zazas · 02/03/2006 09:59

I truly believe that if you give your children responsibility then they 'rise' up to it. While I certainly don't want to let go of my 'babies' too soon I know that it only benefits them to have opportunities to gain their independence. I always seem to under estimate their ability and they always suprise me by being able to do things I didn't think that they were capable of. My DS reception teacher has told me that she can see a link to learning ability and the children whose parents do everything for them - take their coats off / put book bags away etc etc. These kids often expect things done for them and it is the same when they have to learn - they expect to be spoon fed it rather than try it for themselves.

shimmy21 · 02/03/2006 10:05

and what about leaving them alone at home?

I have recently started leaving my 9 and 7 year old alone in the house for periods of probably maximum 30 minutes or so (popping out shop round the corner etc). They always know where I am, have my mobile number, strict instructions on what to do in the case of bla, bla and bla.

They are responsible and trustworthy and in my heart I am comfortable about it but I still feel as if I am a neglectful mum and this has been my guilty secret.

I expect loads of Mumsnetters will be horrified at this...

prettybird · 02/03/2006 10:08

I agree zasas :) We have a duty as parents to let go of the fear and allow them to spread thier wings - for their sakes. It's easy to cocoon them becasue of concerns about "what ifs" - but part of growing and developing is learning to judge things for themselves.

prettybird · 02/03/2006 10:11

I'm not sure I would do it at 9 for as long as 30 minutes (but would for 5 minutes, eg going to the post box) - but you know your kids and I am certainly not going to condemn you.

But you will get some people saying what happens if the sky were to fall on your head (or something like that) or something were to happen to your kids while you were out.

Enid · 02/03/2006 10:13

mine technically could walk home across the fields and not have to cross one road

so I might let them do that in the summer when dd1 is 9 or 10? maybe?

zazas · 02/03/2006 10:39

shimmy - I have left my then 7 yr old DD for about 10 mins alone at home - watching TV. She was off school sick and I had to pick her brother up. She was completely fine and loved the fact that I trusted her! Would leave her again if I had to. Of course you think of the 'what if's" but the odds are that nothing will happen! I love seeing the sping in her step when I let her walk home from school on her own (I take the 4 yr old with me) - just the joy she seems to have at being able to look at the world at her own pace - priceless.

RTKangaMummy · 02/03/2006 11:10

DS and his best friend go shopping and to the library in the local town while her mum and I go into the cafe

Our road doesn't have any pavement so he can't walk down it so will always be driven to near the destination

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