Induction Session for Reception 2013 - Awful Experience So Upset

[mistybluehills]

Sorry - bit of a long post. I have boy/girl twins 4.5 who will start reception in sept 2013 and a six year old boy (DS1) who is in year 1 at the moment. The twins go to nursery five mornings, the girl twin (DD1) is outgoing but the boy twin (DS2) is very shy in large groups and new situations. They will be in separate classes and we have explained this to them.

We had our first induction session recently. I explained to DS2 that he would go into the new classroom for an hour to do some colouring and meet the teacher and that I would be there in the school hall to take him home afterwards. They called out all the kids names and asked them to go to the front to be with the teacher which he hated and refused to do (he hates large groups). Then the deputy head teacher came over to him and he wouldn't go. She said to me that she didn't want his first memory to be her dragging him away and asked me to carry him, which I was happy to do and I was positive and encouraging. I was reassuring him but he was crying a lot.

As soon as we got out of the school hall, three teachers/assistants quickly approached and one of them pulled DS2 from my arms (at which point he was screaming) and the deputy head teacher told me to go back in the school hall. He was screaming "mummy" with utter fear in his voice and I can't get it out of my head. I am normally rational and I understand the need to separate and be positive, but I was not expecting this at an induction session and it was a massive shock.

Afterwards he looked flustered when I collected him, but was fairly settled. He was sad and quiet all afternoon. He told me that he didn't like it when the teacher took him from me and I said I am sorry it came as a shock, but that he did need to go to school by himself eventually and he would have a lovely time etc. He woke at midnight sobbing (not usual for him to do this).

I am so upset by this and I would have preferred them to let me take him to the classroom and then leave him (like I had to when he started nursery). I feel betrayed to be honest and quite surprised by the strength of my feelings. I am fairly level headed and perfectly willing to leave a crying child if it is for the best, but just not like this. I can't get his voice out of my head. How on earth do I plan for him starting school now and do I need to talk to someone at school to avoid this happening again? Or am I over-reacting?

I think you are yes. Also wondering why your 4.5 yo is so unwilling to stay away from you for a short time, since you had explained what would be happening and he was with his twin. Does he usually react in such an extreme way to things?

No I don't think you are. No wonder your poor son was upset, why did they drag him from your arms? If this happens in september, I would be firm with them and tell them that you will bring him to tjhe classroom

He usually just takes a little time to 'warm up' in more formal situations and large groups - five minutes or so where he will stay close by and then go off on his own. I left him at nursery and walked away every day when he cried and it took a couple of weeks for him to get used to it and then he ran in every day normally. I have had no problems with my other two children whatsoever and I am not an overly sensitive parent. He usually plays at soft play and friends houses without any hesitation and has not had any traumas in his life.

duchesse He was not with his twin, they are in separate classes. He has been out on his own to play dates with a special friend and stayed with granny for four nights on his own to try to prepare, but he has a very close bond with his twin.

This is a bit confusing. So your children start next year, not this year?

If they are not starting until 2013 I would back right off.

They start in Sept 2013, this was supposed to be a welcome/induction type of session lasting 90 minutes.

So they'll be nearly 6 when they start school?

It sounds like a miscommunication between the staff and you. Did you tell them that he would likely settle within 5 minutes if given the chance, or were they under the impression that, like most children, do-it-and-distract would work best?

if he was starting in 2012 I'd be very upset and be organising emergency meetigns with the school

as he is not starting until 2013 I'd let it lie. The school made a mistake but you don't want to get into a confrontation with them at this stage

Why do they do it over a year ahead? He'll not even remember it!

I don't understand- they are 4.5 now or will be when they start school? Or maybe you are not in England?

what on earth am I talking about - they start in Sept 2012.
sorry, not thinking straight

My DS cried every day at nursery and we were dreading his first day at school.

We spent the summer reading books about school, getting his older cousin to tell him how great it is and talking about what a big boy he was etc etc. he also felt really smart in his uniform because he looked like Daddy going to work!

On the meet the teacher day before school I mentioned to her that he would probably scream and chase us and so when we dropped him off she was prepared. Except he just waved, said goodbye and ran in to find some toys! I guess he was ready!

However, the school did say that parents could stay to settle the boys. in the event, the only boy who didn't settle just had cuddles with the TA every morning and after a few weeks he was fine.

Do you have any more inductions?

Poor you and ds.I think I would have a feedback session with the school,I would point out that the deputy head changed policy half way through the process ,that he was very upset by the whole experience ,definitely tell them about the night time waking,but stress that your concern is to make the actual starting school as positive an experience as possible.Ask them for suggestions etc

Thanks for the advice - can't believe I put the wrong school year on the the thread...

There are no other induction sessions and the reception class teacher is a new appointment who is newly qualified - presumably she would have to come in specially if I want to speak with her? It was actually the teaching assistant who carried him in.

I do know the other reception teacher quite well, perhaps I should have a meeting with her and ask for guidance/give feedback? I don't want to upset the apple cart, but I really want to be properly prepared for Sept.

I don't think you're over-reacting, I'm really shocked by the school's approach. I agree with outtolunchagain, that you should speak to the school about it. Be very clear that you don't want this to happen again when he starts, and that you want to work with them to make starting school a positive experience for him - particularly as the induction has set him back rather than moved him forward. Really feel for your ds, if this had happened to my dd, who also hates large groups and had never been able to leave my side before starting school, I'd have been so cross and upset.

I understand exactly how you feel. The exact same thing happened to my daughter when she was 5. I am still angry with the bitch of a teacher for dragging her away without even introducing herself or even saying a bloody word of any kind to her. She was a total stranger to the children, they had never seen her before as she was new. My DD never had to be dragged in again, but she was very unhappy and she was always quiet about school, never talking to us about her days. That first experience can never be undone :(. My DD did settle in eventually after she had found some friends in the class.

She still hates that teacher though, 5 years on.

That sounds so stressful and maybe wasn't handled well by the school. I've been a reception teacher and now work as a pre school teacher so have lots of experience in this area.

I suppose from the school's point of view, they don't want to set a precedent of you going into the classroom with him, but I think that on an induction visit that should have been okay. When I taught reception, we allowed parents to come in the classroom and settle their little ones initially, but made sure that they went asap (even if that involved some tears). Obviously parents can't be hanging around the classroom indefinitely, but you're clearly aware of that!

Advice wise, I would say that once he got to the classroom he was probably okay and the whole thing will have affected you far more than him. I've seen that happen so often, parents go away in tears and come back all stressed and anxious, only to find that their DC has had a great time!

try and forget about it and prepare for the next time.

Good luck

That is totally unacceptable!

This is really poor practice. I would never ever take a crying child from a parent unless that parent was asking me to do it. Even then I would have to be sure that we had tried all the other options to get the child to separate happily and this was the best way to handle the situation.

Schools who really think about their practice welcome parents into the reception classroom and encourage them to stay until the child is settled.

I would worry about this school and why the staff felt it was appropriate to ride roughshod over the feelings of a child and a parent without even the shortest conversation or trying any other strategies. I think you need to hear from them very clearly that this was a one-off occurrence and no reflection of their attitude to parents and children's wishes.

If it seems like this is how they normally operate I would find a different school for your twins quick smart.

I had a similar experience with my eldest - he literally had to be dragged away from me. This was despite him going to nursery part time from 6 months - he just took a while to warm up.

I was worried sick, but just kept being as positive as I could throughout the summer. He did have nightmares, and was quite unsettled, but it ended well. First day of school, he walked in calmly, told me he was fine. And he was! He is year 3 now, loved school from day one, and has so much more confidence now.

Thanks so much for all the suggestions and support. My brain is in overdrive trying to be balanced about the situation. I sincerely hope this isn't a big set back for him and he sleeps properly tonight. Will work with him again about being ready for school in September.

In the meantime, I need to talk to the teachers constructively! I think we all agree that it is good for children to become more independent as soon as possible. However, it really concerns me that the school is so keen to get parents out of the way at any cost and in such a brutal way - without even discussing it with me briefly. It seems that they have taken the 'do-it-and-distract' method to extremes.

I can honestly say that I put in a great deal of effort to prepare all my three for school and thought about it well in advance, but their individual personalities were ultimately the deciding factor in whether they went to school willingly at first or not. I dread to think how parents feel when they have no siblings to compare with.

Timandra I hope you work in teacher training or as a head teacher now or in the future!

Just reading the OP is stressful, and has made me quite cross. I agree with outtolunchagain and Timandra.

Absolutely no need for this.

Many moons ago I had a similar DS. At the first session I was allowed to stay with him the full time, while the other parents had coffee in the school hall. After he had sussed out the room, and realised two friends from nursery were there, he let me leave for the last 10mins of the session. This was very grown up for him at the time. I was very proud. I would have been in pieces if he had been taken off me. We did later have issues with him going to school, and the way staff handled it was always incredibly important. (Firm, but friendly and smiley seemed to work well when he was small)

Yes, you do need to talk to someone at the school to avoid this happening again.

He'll be fine.

It wasn't sensitively handled but you're overdramatising - it wasn't 'brutal' and you weren't 'betrayed'.

(Just my $0.02).

Maybe they should have been warned in advance that he might be upset? At my DDs primary school parents were allowed to take reception children into the classroom for the first half term. By half term there were only 1 or 2 still going in.

I think I would feel exactly the same as you in this situation and second (or third) what outtolunch recommended. I am sure everyone meant well but if you felt betrayed and upset that is because you had agreed a strategy which in a moment of extreme anxiety was overridden. To that extent, you were betrayed and your son did respond as if he felt that it was brutal. Such situations feel genuinely dramatic.

I don't think that this means you are unable to now build a positive relationship with the school, and for your son in the school. It would be great if you could arrange to take him again, perhaps they would agree to you and he looking round his classroom after school one afternoon? Also, maybe try to work directly with his actual class teacher on how you will manage his first day. You might also set up some roleplay with him, where you rehearse him going to school, and there being a big class, and him feeling a bit worried, but going in to his class to see how long it takes for his feelings to settle. You could co-opt teddies/ other children as necessary for this game.

Good luck to you both. I bet he sails through it with your support.