Induction Session for Reception 2013 - Awful Experience So Upset

[mistybluehills]

Sorry - bit of a long post. I have boy/girl twins 4.5 who will start reception in sept 2013 and a six year old boy (DS1) who is in year 1 at the moment. The twins go to nursery five mornings, the girl twin (DD1) is outgoing but the boy twin (DS2) is very shy in large groups and new situations. They will be in separate classes and we have explained this to them.

We had our first induction session recently. I explained to DS2 that he would go into the new classroom for an hour to do some colouring and meet the teacher and that I would be there in the school hall to take him home afterwards. They called out all the kids names and asked them to go to the front to be with the teacher which he hated and refused to do (he hates large groups). Then the deputy head teacher came over to him and he wouldn't go. She said to me that she didn't want his first memory to be her dragging him away and asked me to carry him, which I was happy to do and I was positive and encouraging. I was reassuring him but he was crying a lot.

As soon as we got out of the school hall, three teachers/assistants quickly approached and one of them pulled DS2 from my arms (at which point he was screaming) and the deputy head teacher told me to go back in the school hall. He was screaming "mummy" with utter fear in his voice and I can't get it out of my head. I am normally rational and I understand the need to separate and be positive, but I was not expecting this at an induction session and it was a massive shock.

Afterwards he looked flustered when I collected him, but was fairly settled. He was sad and quiet all afternoon. He told me that he didn't like it when the teacher took him from me and I said I am sorry it came as a shock, but that he did need to go to school by himself eventually and he would have a lovely time etc. He woke at midnight sobbing (not usual for him to do this).

I am so upset by this and I would have preferred them to let me take him to the classroom and then leave him (like I had to when he started nursery). I feel betrayed to be honest and quite surprised by the strength of my feelings. I am fairly level headed and perfectly willing to leave a crying child if it is for the best, but just not like this. I can't get his voice out of my head. How on earth do I plan for him starting school now and do I need to talk to someone at school to avoid this happening again? Or am I over-reacting?

i just dont think they should expect young children to all be comfortable and confident straight away in new environment with strange people. I dont think that is realistic.

The OP had an agreement with the teacher, but a TA stepped in and took her son, contrary to the agreement. This is not hysteria: it's the facts. The OP felt upset, so people offered their support. Again, not hysteria, but kindness. People also offered experience and ideas; not hysterically, but as strategies for helping the OP deal with a situation where her already shy son might have further difficulties. Not at all hysterical, but practical. I don't see any evidence here of neurosis; you didn't like the emotive language, Toaster, but that's hardly an argument that anyone here is neurotic. I can't understand why you want to add to the OP's difficulty by suggesting she is neurotic on the basis you have decided her feelings aren't valid.

My ds is very similar and had a very similar experience at his nursery settling in morning last year. I still can't believe I did this but he was hysterical and I ran out while the staff restrained him. It was horrendous.

We then arranged for another visit where I sat with him in the class for about 1/2hr and we had a good look round, took some photos and had a more positive experience. I printed off the photos for him to look at and talk about over the summer.

His first morning he did cry when we arrived but the teacher was brilliant and very matter of factly said "come on then, say bye bye to mummy and we'll go wave out the window to her" and by the time he got to the window he was fine. They then got straight on with the day and settled in really well. I did a lot of talking to him to help him think about it and prepare himself and that seemed to have worked. He still took a while to start joining in so after a couple of weeks I bribed him with a toy he really wanted and he tried really hard to join in more.

Sounds brutal to me.

I'd give the school feedback - perhaps they feel bad about how it was handled too.

Not all children are the same - for this particular child it sounds like a very stressful, confusing and upsetting experience.

Toaster, if the OP is holding her child, the TA also takes hold, and manages to take him into the classroom, how else could you describe it?

An appointment with the FS Leader and the HT is in order I think.

It sounds like poor communication. If the teacher had an agreement with OP then it should have been communicated to the TA. We don't know that the TA was aware of the communication between OP and the teacher so this could of actually been the teachers fault instead of making this about the big bad TA.

I do agree with toaster I think there is a bit of hysteria going on in this thread.

Every parent worries for their child and it does sound as though the situation was a bit much for a first day... but like another poster said - OP this is more likely to have upset you for a prolonged period than it will have your son.

My advice would to be to not allow your son to be aware of your anxiety about him starting school, be positive about his first day, focus on the positives etc. I.e. you're going to make lots of new friends, you're going to do lots of fun things. Make your son aware that he will be seeing his twin at break at lunch... etc.

Please, please, please do not allow your son to be aware that are angry with the teacher and the TA because you need him to develop positive relationships with them.

I had this with DD2 at a nursery we tried...she was three and we were leaving her for a try out...the teaher said "Meet me in the corridor and I will show you to the room" and then she whipped DD away and rushed off with her and I ne ver got to say goodbye.

I didn't send her there because of that. People need to say goodbye nicely. I would ask for another look around the classroom...with you being present...only a quick tour...just so he has a new memory. Explain it's not to stay and you will be with him...that may repair his trust.

I didn't send my DD to a highly acclaimed nursery because when I looked around I asked when their settling in policy was. I was told it was "Mummies never stay, it's baptism by fire. We find it the best way." Maybe best for the adults, but personally I don't think it's best for the children. I was so shocked I stopped speaking. DH thought I was quite because I was in awe, and was really worried because he hated the place.

I agree. People need to say goodbye nicely. My much older Dsis once left me in some creche when I was about 5, with out saying goodbye. I knew she had gone, but didn't want to look around for her. Maybe out of embarrassment. I didn't want the adults there to know I was nervous. I spent the whole time painting picture after picture without looking up. To an adult I would have appeared happily engrossed, but I was actually really bored, and nervous because I didn't know how long I was going to be there.