Induction Session for Reception 2013 - Awful Experience So Upset

[mistybluehills]

Sorry - bit of a long post. I have boy/girl twins 4.5 who will start reception in sept 2013 and a six year old boy (DS1) who is in year 1 at the moment. The twins go to nursery five mornings, the girl twin (DD1) is outgoing but the boy twin (DS2) is very shy in large groups and new situations. They will be in separate classes and we have explained this to them.

We had our first induction session recently. I explained to DS2 that he would go into the new classroom for an hour to do some colouring and meet the teacher and that I would be there in the school hall to take him home afterwards. They called out all the kids names and asked them to go to the front to be with the teacher which he hated and refused to do (he hates large groups). Then the deputy head teacher came over to him and he wouldn't go. She said to me that she didn't want his first memory to be her dragging him away and asked me to carry him, which I was happy to do and I was positive and encouraging. I was reassuring him but he was crying a lot.

As soon as we got out of the school hall, three teachers/assistants quickly approached and one of them pulled DS2 from my arms (at which point he was screaming) and the deputy head teacher told me to go back in the school hall. He was screaming "mummy" with utter fear in his voice and I can't get it out of my head. I am normally rational and I understand the need to separate and be positive, but I was not expecting this at an induction session and it was a massive shock.

Afterwards he looked flustered when I collected him, but was fairly settled. He was sad and quiet all afternoon. He told me that he didn't like it when the teacher took him from me and I said I am sorry it came as a shock, but that he did need to go to school by himself eventually and he would have a lovely time etc. He woke at midnight sobbing (not usual for him to do this).

I am so upset by this and I would have preferred them to let me take him to the classroom and then leave him (like I had to when he started nursery). I feel betrayed to be honest and quite surprised by the strength of my feelings. I am fairly level headed and perfectly willing to leave a crying child if it is for the best, but just not like this. I can't get his voice out of my head. How on earth do I plan for him starting school now and do I need to talk to someone at school to avoid this happening again? Or am I over-reacting?

Hmm. My DS2 wasn't much keen on reception and had to be carried from me by the teacher once on an induction session. He was tearful in the morning line up when he started, too. And then another phase of it in year two, iirc. It passes, I don't expect any harm has been done at all. I do understand why you are upset though.

YANBU. My ds, now in reception, wasn't keen on being separated from me to start with either and we did a few induction sessions with me in the classroom with him and I was able to say bye bye and slip out when he was busy playing. Horrible to watch your ds being hauled off you and carted off crying, I really do feel for you.

I don't like the idea of the kids all having to go up to front of large hall to go to the classroom either - a lot of 4yos wouldn't like that! Would have been much better to meet quietly in the class imo.

I'd probbaly make an appt with the school to discuss what to do in Sept and any tips for handling separations better. Could he have another induction session to leave him with better memories of school over the summer??

hugs.

Sparklyboots

come on, OP wasn't 'betrayed' by the teacher.

child may have felt that it was brutal, but OP is not a child herself - we don't need to treat her like one.

clearly not sensitively handled by the school, but also not the massive betrayal-of-trust that OP is building it into.

Well, I wouldn't be trusting adults again who did a massive u-turn like this.

Well, I wouldn't be trusting adults again who did a massive u-turn like this.

The school may underestimate how the separation from his twin will affect him. When my twins were separated, their induction involved being shown where their twin would be during the day (right next door) and being told the times of day they would see each other (breaktimes, lunch time, weekly assembly). This helped quite a lot I think.

Even so, my normally very confident DTS became more withdrawn and suffered from some separation anxiety.

You have done much better at preparing for the separation than I did (circs didn't allow for much separation at all prior to reception). But he may still be overwhelmed by the idea that both his support people (you and his DTSis) aren't there.

I would probably broach the conversation with the school in those terms.

I think the teaching assistant was in the wrong btw, but probably trying to be helpful. I think if you address this head-on with the school you are in danger of being seen as over-anxious (although you are not imo).

Sparklyboots I didn't mention that I had previously discussed with the school that one twin would find it hard to be separated and had a discussion with one of the teachers involved about being sensitive and allowing me to take the lead initially. She knows I have worked hard to plan for school in September, so I think 'betrayed' is perfectly reasonable in the circumstances.

Incidentally, the same teacher has approached me today at school and said "I am sorry I was not able to make sure we looked after him in the way I had hoped, you must feel very let down. I was not the most senior person and it was a bit of a rugby scrum, is he okay?". She has suggested that I discuss it with the deputy head next time to ensure the message is clear top down.

Also, at different induction session (there are two other reception classes) two children had much the same experience as us. One of the mums keeps welling up every time anyone mentions it. The other described the whole situation as 'Victorian'. She blamed it on the fact that the class teacher is newly qualified and newly employed so didn't dare speak. The teaching assistant took the lead using her own way of dealing with 'shy' children. I sincerely hope the new teacher gets her feet under the table very quickly if the teaching assistant is so outdated in her approach - otherwise the teaching assistant will be running the show and we are in for a difficult year.

I'd put in a complaint tbh, if three parents are unhappy and the TA took it upon herself to do it that way after a discussion with teaching staff about preferred way of handling it, I would just stick in a complaint from all of you.

I'd be fuming if someone did that to my child, fair enough once they start school they are under the authority of school so will have to listen to teachers but that is a truly shit first experience and totally unhelpful.

schmee I am sorry it was difficult for your two, I hope they are more settled now.

I am going to find out when the new class teacher will be in school this term and hopefully I can speak to her about how we can work together in September and hopefully she will be more involved this time. I didn't know who the new teacher would be previously, or I would have done this sooner.

I am also going to sort out a little playgroup for a few of the new classmates during the summer holidays to try and get things back on track. I don't want to be dragging him all the way to school if I can avoid it!

We are much more settled now thank you. And it wasn't really too awful, just I think I hadn't quite anticipated what a wrench it would be. There was other stuff going on at the school (not the school's fault) that exacerbated the situation though.

I'm glad to hear there is a teacher there who is taking your concerns seriously and I think your plan of action is a good one.

Toaster24 let's not mistake the intentions of the teachers, or the impact on us as bystanders, for the way that the experience was experienced by the OP. I do think she was let down; she has expressed this as betrayal. You may have an issue with her choice of words but it doesn't change that she had that experience.

OP, definitely have a word about the TA; if she is stepping over the mark it is best addressed with her sooner rather than later. The NQT has obviously spotted the problem and it may be that this is a catalyst for her taking a more assertive stance.

this sound horrific to me, I'd feel the same as you. 100% talk to the school, emphasise that you really want to work with them to make the experience good but that the way they handled it was not OK.

take a deep breath. Its a horrible feeling isnt it

It sounds like the school is aware that this shouldnt be happening

I think it really matters how you respond to this now. have a chat with him and explain how hard he must have found it and explore his worries. try and be reassuringly calm about it.... so avoiding using negative language about school with him as hell pick up on this. Try not to get upset your self especially when its time to take him again... if he spots you getting upset then he will think there is actually something to worry about.

So think about a strategy about what you'll do next time... you might decide you are going to take him to his classroom and then leave. tell him in advance whats going to happen and when he'll see you again. Get the teacher on side. And do it whilst remaining chilled out (easier said than done). If a TA interferes in a way that youre not happy with then tell them there and then( whilst not getting angry and upset). If you dont feel the school are listening to your concerns then tell them and start looking for another school.

OP, having had a DS who suffered from separation anxiety, and who was selectively mute at Nursery after an experience similar to yours, I don't believe you are over reacting.

As you can't change what happened, you now need to make a plan for the future. I would contact school and ask for an appointment with the Foundation Stage Co-Ordinator. If this turns out to be the Deputy Head (who clearly endorses the TA's actions), then ask for an appointment with Headteacher instead. Ask them how they plan to work, within the Foundation Stage guidelines and without physically restraining your child against your wishes (which they should only do if his behaviour is a risk to himself or another child), and with you, to help him settle into school.

This could include;
more visits to school this term with you, to familiarise himself with the physical surroundings.
a home visit by class teacher (which a lot of schools do anyway), so he can get to know her in his own environment, hopefully she would also go through the 'timetable' for the first day, so he knows when he will be able to see his DTS, and at what point you will be coming to collect him.
agreement that you can arrive early on his first day/s, to allow you to go into the classroom, and settle him into an activity before the classroom becomes too loud and hectic.

If you go to the meeting with some requests to make things easier for all concerned, then I don't think you come across as over protective, but rather constructive in working with you child's needs. Any setting which refuses to work with parents of children in the Foundation Stage, to meet children's individual needs, is failing in it's duty of care. If the school won't meet you at least halfway, I'd be looking to take this up with the Chair of Governors.

Also, I know of a Teaching Assistant who lost her job on grounds of Gross Misconduct, having physically removed a reluctant child from his mother and carried him into school. It was seen as inappropriate and unnecessary restraint. I think this was very harsh, but illustrates that not all parents are happy for this to happen to their child.

Can I just add that my DD2 is anxious about school and occasionally refuses to attend. The school would like me to force her to attend, manhandling her if necessary. I don't feel this is appropriate and have made this clear to them.

The teacher and SENCo raised it recently in a meeting with the educational psychologist present, expecting her to tell me to force my DD if necessary. What she actually said was that using force was not appropriate and the school needed to work harder to create an environment in which my DD feels able to attend voluntarily.

I see no reason why this should not apply to a four year old as much as my nine year old or any other child for that matter.

no, i dont think you are over reacting, i think the school needs to re think their approach.

In most schools the parents are allowed in to the class to settle, some for a week or so, in my dds school transition visits were made while she was in nursery with nursery staff accompanying groups of children to their new school and fun events like teddy bears picnics, and this was done to all of the children at the nursery, with whichever school they were going to as long as they werent moving out of a certain distance. there are 4 or 5 schools the nursery feeds in to.

As well as this on the first day of term we were allowed to stay in the class until lunch time.

If i were you I would put your experiences in writing, and ask the other parents to do so aswell and send it to the governors, asking them to check the transitional policies for starting reception from nursery.

just to add, if the nursery is in the same area perhaps you should also write to the nursery asking for their transition policy. As they should also be involved in a good nursery.

I don't think you're overreacting - I think if it had been me then I'd have just taken him away from the situation. Someone else literally dragging him screaming out of your arms is horrible, and he's clearly very upset by it. Go with your mama-tigress instincts and don't be afraid to tell a teacher to back off.

God, who'd be a teacher.

Mumsnetters telling the OP her experience was 'horrific' and to tell the teacher to 'back off'.

Honestly. What a load of hysteria.

If I were the teacher and you told me to 'back off' for trying to settle your child into school, I'd want to tell you to 'fuck off'.

To start on the very first day with the school assuming that they're acting in bad faith to traumatise you and your son seems to me like the very worst thing to do - mumsnetters are not helping at all by feeding OP's drama.

If a teacher is forcibly removing a screaming child from its mother to take it into the classroom when the child is clearly highly distressed and (more to the point) it is completely unnecessary to do so, then I have no sympathy for the teacher at all and if a teacher in that situation told me to fuck off I'd be on the phone to Ofsted within minutes. The whole point of induction sessions is to introduce a child to the setting in a gentle and positive way so beginning by dragging it literally kicking and screaming into a session that is entirely optional really does defeat the purpose.

dailstrug.blogspot.co.uk/2006/05/neurotic-mothers.html

"Neurotic mothers are notorious for their martyred agonies, their self-pitying dramatic displays, their exploitation of the theme of sacrifice."

Not so long ago hospital staff used to insist that distressed children were separated from their parents. It made their life easier because most children are reluctant to express their feelings openly around strangers and are consequently easier to handle. Fortunately they have since realised how much damage they were causing and they now expect parents to remain to support their child.

The education system is slowly catching up but there are still some dinosaurs out there who think it's OK to use physical force on people who are smaller than them because it is easier to do that than to acknowledge a child's right to feel safe.

People like the OP should complain about this sort of treatment so that staff can be trained to act more appropriately.

Doesn't sound to me like they did use physical force.

I guess it depends how literally you interpret OP's phrase 'pulled from my arms'.