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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Need some advice please regarding another parent IMO inappropriately disciplining my child.

60 replies

maximum4 · 25/05/2012 04:55

My 8 DS was at a party last Saturday. Yesterday evening I noticed his earlobe was red/bruised/grazed and I asked him what had happened to it. He said when he was at the party (which incidently he didn't want to go to) the dad of the boy whose party it was pinched it when he was telling him off for throwing tomato sauce sachets at the table! My son said a few of the boys were in it with him being silly. Now I have no problem with him being told off if he was misbehaving with the other boys but I am really concerned that he must have pinched his ear really hard to make a mark that is still there some 5 days later. I feel bad that I have only just noticed it but he has longish hair at the moment and it was only when he sat on my lap to do his homework that I noticed it - he doesn't tend to sit on my lap these days!
It obviously wasn't a major issue for him because he didn't speak about it after the party but I didn't collect him my mother did and we had a busy evening watching the Olympic Torch etc... After the party.
DS is our number 3 son in a family of four children he has a younger sister. IMHO I am not precious about the children at all but I have been unable to sleep at all for worrying about this and wondering whether I should approach the dad who did it. The hardest thing for me is that this dad helps out at his football club with training my sons team each week and is sometimes on his own training them if the coach is working or away.
I am also concerned about this dad at training now! Am I overreacting? Should I approach him or his wife and should I tell the football coach that I am worried about him.
BTW - Generally DS is well behaved but can be silly and misbehave like any 8 year old boy does! He has been put off football since this dad has started training with them and describes him as harsh.
Help please.

OP posts:

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RightBuggerforit · 25/05/2012 05:12

Like you say, it must've been pretty bloody hard to have left a mark that still looked bad 5 days later. I wouldn't leave my child alone with him again, and I would take photos and report it, at the very least to the school/football club where he is in charge of kids alone.

Original poster

maximum4 · 25/05/2012 05:34

Thanks for such a quick reply - RightBuggerforit - I will take a pic when he gets up. He is due to train tonight - my DH stayed with him a few weeks ago because DS was reluctant to go because of this dad shouting at him. All was fine for the weeks that my DH watched (staying to watch is quite hard because the other children also do activities on a Friday night!) I but I feel really bad because he really didn't want to go to the party and I really encouraged him - it's not like him to not want to go to parties! This particular dad is not really someone I 'warm to' he comes across as quite aggressive and his wife, although very sweet, is very nervous and timid. Maybe I am being too sensitive but I really hate the thought that he hurt my DS.

OP posts:

lolalotta · 25/05/2012 06:28

It sounds like your son is wary of him, for good reason too, I would be concerned too if I were you and trust your sons instincts. I would speak to this man too and make him aware you are aware of what happened, he had no right to physically harm your child.

lolalotta · 25/05/2012 06:29

You are not being too sensitive, it wasn't on!

33goingon64 · 25/05/2012 07:15

It's definitely not on. No question. No adult gets to hurt your child and get away with it. Your DS may not have mentioned it because he is scared of the man.

Original poster

maximum4 · 25/05/2012 08:01

Will have a chat today with a close friend to get her opinion (to put in the melting pot) - I really appreciate the support from you as well - Iolalotta and 33going64 - I was pretty fed up as couldn't sleep due to worrying and you have all helped me! I don't post on here very often as with juggling 2 jobs + 4 children = no time! But I do pop on from time to time to read the posts and seek out information/local news etc... I feel like a newbie tho' in the scheme of it all'!

OP posts:

brightonbleach · 25/05/2012 08:16

the other posters are right, take a pic and definately talk to him and maybe even report him to someone - I don't imagine physical contact with a child thats not your own in a punishment sense is allowed these days?? I can't see that you're allowed to pinch your own child as a punishment let alone someone elses.... I'd be furious do let us know what happens on here won't you!

lovechoc · 25/05/2012 08:26

Did you not stay at the party with your son? That way you'd have been around to see what was going on at all times....I personally wouldn't trust leaving DC alone with other adults I wasn't fully trusting of....

lovechoc · 25/05/2012 08:28

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BertieBotts · 25/05/2012 08:28

Lovechoc, he's 8! OP can't stay at parties with him forever. I bet none of the other parents stayed.

lovechoc · 25/05/2012 08:29

Well if I had suspicions about this particular Dad at the football coaching I wouldn't be happy about leaving DC with him at a birthday party!!

5madthings · 25/05/2012 08:31

he is 8? you generally dont stay at parties with them by that age and the op had no reason not to trust them at that point.

not ok for anyone to do that to a child, but as it was 5 days ago is your ds SURE that he hasnt done anything else to hurt his ear in the meantime? tho the description makes it sound like a pinch injury, so that fits? just to check tho as kids can be forgetfull.

i would be having words with the other parent tbh, in a can i ask if everything was ok at the party as i heard ds was a bit silly? see what they say and go from there :)

lovechoc · 25/05/2012 08:32

I think when they are teens and are more responsible fair enough, leave them on their own at parties but at the age of 8 when they can still be hyper/misbehave it's better to just stay the hour or two until the party finishes and that way you're around to see what's going on and can discipline the child yourself rather than wondering what exactly went on when you weren't around.

lovechoc · 25/05/2012 08:34

Hang on, in the original post the mum had concerns about the dad who does the football training at weekends? am I not right?? Why let your DS go to the party? Always follow your instincts! If he doesn't sit well with you, please just go with that next time. Usually your instinct doesn't fail you.

lovechoc · 25/05/2012 08:35

"The hardest thing for me is that this dad helps out at his football club with training my sons team each week and is sometimes on his own training them if the coach is working or away.
I am also concerned about this dad at training now! Am I overreacting? Should I approach him or his wife and should I tell the football coach that I am worried about him. "

Alarm bells....

cory · 25/05/2012 08:48

ime normal procedure for a misbehaving 8yo would be to ring his parents and ask them to come and collect him: that is what I would have done if anyone threw tomato sauce at my parties

pinching definitely not on

but waiting until they are teens to stop chaperoning them to a party, as lovechoc suggests, sounds equally strange: surely by the time they are 11 they are travelling to school on their own and going out with their friends? they have to learn to negotiate with the outside world without mum and dad being around

can't see anything wrong with the OPs decision

trixymalixy · 25/05/2012 08:57

Lovechoc, she says she is NOW concerned about the dad, after what happened at the party.

Nothing wrong with leaving an 8 year old at a party.

I would be taking the pinching further though, that is not acceptable and I would be livid!

rabbitstew · 25/05/2012 09:01

Would definitely take the pinching further - a grown up pinching another person's child strikes me as a grown up who has great difficulty controlling his own temper and does the most violent thing he thinks he can get away with. Leaving a mark on a child as a result of physical force is not considered reasonable chastisement - it is an assault.

lovechoc · 25/05/2012 10:08

"This particular dad is not really someone I 'warm to' he comes across as quite aggressive "

Why let your child go to a party where this Dad will be around, then?

lovechoc · 25/05/2012 10:09

trixy I think you'll find OP has raised concerned in her post about the Dad in question before her DS when to this party...

matana · 25/05/2012 10:53

The thought of anyone physically reprimanding my DS makes my blood boil, i would not be able to stop myself. I have no problem with verbal reprimands, but will not tolerate physical, even from family.

I would probably speak to the dad in question to find out what he has to say about the incident. It doesn't need to be aggressive or confrontational, but i would certainly make the point that you find the situation very uncomfortable and ask him not to do it again.

rabbitstew · 25/05/2012 11:14

lovechoc - there is a difference between not warming to someone and finding that they come across as quite aggressive and thinking that they are so awful you wouldn't even let your child go to their child's party. The man is also, apparently, accepted by the football club as a suitable person to help out there - if he came across as unacceptably aggressive to everyone, what on earth are they letting him help out with lots of young kids, for? As for hanging around at all your 8-year old son's birthday parties - I think you would be considered a rather odd parent by most people by the time your child was that age, unless it was apparent that there were not enough adult helpers to deal with the number of children there. You would also probably not be the parent of 3 other young children - after all, what are you supposed to do with the rest of them? Invite them along, too and let them eat all the party food?

lovechoc · 25/05/2012 18:13

There are lots of grown men who have been accepted to be scout leaders, football coaches and it's been found it they are not safe to be around children later on...it's all about using your common sense.

I'd be an odd parent then! I'd volunteer to help with the party and in that respect I'd be there to keep an eye on things with my 8yo and his peers. It would also be a help to the parent who organised the party in the first place. You can never have too many hands to help out with party games, food prep etc.

And if I couldn't get someone to babysit my other DC then my 8yo would not have been going to the party. End of. It's not rocket science. You do what you have to do.

robotcornysilk · 25/05/2012 18:17

what a nasty bully that man must be.

harvalp · 25/05/2012 19:55

With parents like the majority posting here seem to be, no wonder the state school system is such a disaster area at present.

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