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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Need some advice please regarding another parent IMO inappropriately disciplining my child.

60 replies

maximum4 · 25/05/2012 04:55

My 8 DS was at a party last Saturday. Yesterday evening I noticed his earlobe was red/bruised/grazed and I asked him what had happened to it. He said when he was at the party (which incidently he didn't want to go to) the dad of the boy whose party it was pinched it when he was telling him off for throwing tomato sauce sachets at the table! My son said a few of the boys were in it with him being silly. Now I have no problem with him being told off if he was misbehaving with the other boys but I am really concerned that he must have pinched his ear really hard to make a mark that is still there some 5 days later. I feel bad that I have only just noticed it but he has longish hair at the moment and it was only when he sat on my lap to do his homework that I noticed it - he doesn't tend to sit on my lap these days!
It obviously wasn't a major issue for him because he didn't speak about it after the party but I didn't collect him my mother did and we had a busy evening watching the Olympic Torch etc... After the party.
DS is our number 3 son in a family of four children he has a younger sister. IMHO I am not precious about the children at all but I have been unable to sleep at all for worrying about this and wondering whether I should approach the dad who did it. The hardest thing for me is that this dad helps out at his football club with training my sons team each week and is sometimes on his own training them if the coach is working or away.
I am also concerned about this dad at training now! Am I overreacting? Should I approach him or his wife and should I tell the football coach that I am worried about him.
BTW - Generally DS is well behaved but can be silly and misbehave like any 8 year old boy does! He has been put off football since this dad has started training with them and describes him as harsh.
Help please.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

rabbitstew · 25/05/2012 20:36

Ah, the mistress of the blanket, inane statement has arrived. Hurrah.

robotcornysilk · 25/05/2012 20:40

is harvalp an pseudonym for angrydailymailreader?

rabbitstew · 25/05/2012 20:44

No, I think it's a pseudonym for harpy.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 25/05/2012 20:44

Lovechoc - do you have an 8 year old (or older)? They are generally not keen to have their parents hanging around at parties as if they were 3 year olds!

I'd want to be very sure that this was how it was caused, it doesn't sound terribly likely. It's more likely he's done it playing football at school, but barely remembers it, while the Dad pinching his ear was something he has remembered.

Mind you - I'd be having words along the lines of touch my kid again and you'll lose your fucking knee caps about him having laid his hand on my child whether it has left a mark or not.

rabbitstew · 25/05/2012 20:55

Maybe Lovechoc has had a bad personal experience? To be that concerned about an 8-year old child at a friend's birthday party strikes me as someone whose child has a poor choice of friends, is very immature and prone to unusually embarrassing or naughty behaviour and/or poor at expressing their own feelings and concerns, or has had something bad happen to them, personally. Or maybe she just lives in a big city, where she is more likely to find her child being invited to parties by people she has never met and knows nothing about?

tartyflette · 25/05/2012 21:01

This man should be told his behaviour was unnaceptable; he should NEVER physically punish other people's children. There is no room for discussion in this. And that if he ever does this to your son again you will involve the relevant authorities. Some men may do this to their own kids, and think it's OK to do the same with other children. It is NOT, and if they do think that they should not be involved in assisting in organised sports. In fact I think I would take it up with the football coach. He needs to know.

lovechoc · 26/05/2012 08:01

Nope, DS would only be going to parties of people he knows very well. Only a select few. Thanks for that remarkable speculation, rabbitstew though :)

I don't have personal experience of this, but I have worked with men who are a danger to children so yes, I'd rather more choosy than most about where my own DC would be going, and I'm more cautious than the average parent just through professional experience alone.

My own DC are not immature for their age, they are typical for their age. And I definitely don't live in a city.....

rabbitstew · 26/05/2012 08:26

I do think the world would be a very untrusting place where people kept themselves to themselves even more than they already do if everyone were quite as cautious as you, lovechoc. I have been in many situations in my life that could have ended up unhappily - including every time I cross a road. There comes a point, however, when you have to decide whether the gain to you in doing something inherently risky (which is most things you ever do in life) is worth it. You clearly have a different analysis of children's birthday parties from the majority of people. I would have been livid if at the age of 8 my mother had banned me from going to a friend's party because she couldn't find a babysitter for my siblings and insisted on going along to all my parties with me without having been invited by the parents who had already arranged perfectly adequate adult/child supervision. I would also have found her an embarrassment.

rabbitstew · 26/05/2012 08:30

(Mind you, I've never been in a situation where my children have been invited to a party by a parent I dislike and am wary of).

cory · 26/05/2012 10:23

I think visiting friends' homes as a junior school child, going to parties unchaperoned, travelling around on public transport alone from age 10 or so were all important factors in helping me to develop my own personal safety radar. I doubt that I would have been as safe as an older teen/young adult if I had not had that experience, but had only ever come across a very select number of people vetted by my mum. As a parent, I want to keep my children safe, but I always remember that I will love them as much in 10 years' time and I will want them to be safe then, too.

doormat · 26/05/2012 10:39

all this squabbling over whether to let ds go alone or supervised is irrelevant imo...

this lad has been pysically asssaulted by someone who is supposed to be responsible enough to coach a football team from time to time....is he shite

maxi take a photo and phone your ss cadt...out of hours today and report the incident....get it logged....let ss deal with it as they may call in the police...either way this gobshite should not be responsible or in charge for any more children....if police are not called i would put in writing along with photo of injury to head of football club, explaining that if the matter is not dealt with appropriately..you will be going to the local papers

do not confront this man yourself

lovechoc · 26/05/2012 17:24

It's not completely irrelevant though, is it doormat? If the mother had been at the party, she'd have seen what had happened. Or stepped in first to discipline her own DS. Then there wouldn't be a thread about it.....

Jubilcece · 26/05/2012 17:33

lovechoc - I think it is generally considered unusual for parents of an 8 year old to stay at a party. Unless you are a particular friend of the parents that is, in which case is often the case that you stay to drinkwine-- help.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 26/05/2012 17:37

Insisting on chaperoning an 8 yo at a party would, in most circumstances, be just plain weird lovechoc

Op, the man sounds horrible. I really feel for you. Who runs the football club? Could you talk to them?

seeker · 26/05/2012 17:50

Are you absolutely sure it happened the way your ds told it? Because he would have to have pinched th ear incredibly hard for it to be red, bruised and grazed a week later. And it must have really really hurt when it happened. I'm pretty sure it must have hurt enough to make an 8 year old cry.

I think I would say to ds " I'm going to talk to X's mum about party last week- it does sound as if you were being naughty, but Y shouldn't have grabbed your ear like that. Can you tell me exactly what happened so I've got the story straight before I talk to her" And see what happens.

Bucharest · 26/05/2012 17:55

As ever, (except when talking about ghosties ) what Seeker said.

if this man pinched the child's ear so hard it is still inflamed a week later, then I have difficulty understanding (no matter how long his hair) that a) the pain would'nt have been such that you found out much earlier b) you wouldn't have noticed.

if he did, then he is a vile bully.

(It would still be bonkers and freaky to do the helicopter-mummy thing at parties though)

Ragwort · 26/05/2012 18:06

I think you need to be absolutely sure of your facts, as Seeker & Bucharest says, it is highly unlikely that the mark would still be red and painful five days later, if it was that bad surely your DS would have been in agony and would have said something immediately?

Was there anyone else at the party that you can ask about what happened?

My son tells me about the most outrageous incidents' that are supposed to have happened, when I ask him to explain carefully so that I can follow it up he suddenly changes his mind and admits he was making it up.

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 26/05/2012 18:11

Photo and police. I would find it VERY hard not to twat the man in the face personally tbough I know that's not on. Poor DS! I hope he's ok now.

seeker · 26/05/2012 18:14

TheHouse- so you would not query this story even slightly? You would be willing for the police to land on this man's doorstep?

Princessofdarkness · 26/05/2012 18:19

No one ever has the right to put their hands on a child!!!

If i were you, i would send my husband to smash him in the face, but that's just me. If i were you, you seem a lot more mellow than me, as we would have already been in court for abh, i would call the police, this is assault and he should be properly dealt with.

A man like that has no place to be around children, and you have a duty to others, pulling your own child out of his classes is not addressing the whole issue.

seeker · 26/05/2012 18:22

So you wouldn't want any more investigation- just call the police and/or smash his face in? And if it turned out to me a bit different to the child's version.......?

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 26/05/2012 18:25

Of course check out the veracity

Princessofdarkness · 26/05/2012 18:32

My child is different to the op, so yes in our case it would be as simple as that. ( my son has aspergers, and doesn't lie!)

Of course i don't know the op's child. But she asked for peoples opinions, i gave her mine!

But what exactly would the boy gain from making this up? Nothing.

TheProvincialLady · 26/05/2012 18:37

Yes, IF the man definitely caused the injury to your son's ear, contact the police. If he had done that to you, you wouldn't tolerate it would you? No different - in fact it's worse - that he did it to a child.

If your son was reluctant to go to the party and you have a feeling that the man is aggressive, you did make a bit of a bad judgement call on this occasion. I'm sure you won't again, but to go down the route of chaperoning your 8 year old wherever he goes is nothing but a recipe for creating a vulnerable child, teenager and/or adult. He wouldn't thank you for it when he is older.

mercibucket · 26/05/2012 18:39

Hmmm some slightly scary parents out tonight. It is not necessary to apportion blame to the op, let's save that for the parent who twisted the op's child's ear, if that turns out to be true
Ask again and for more detail and perhaps ask other parents to check with their kids
For the footie thing, regardless, even if this ear thing is not 'true' (ie it was a joke or something) he shouldn't be so shouty that kids don't want to train. Have a word with the head coach

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