I wonder if there's something wrong with my 4 yo ds...

[utterlyconfused]

My ds will be 4 in April. I also have ds1 (7) and dd (5). Because we are in Scotland, he doesn't start school until Aug 07, but will be in pre-school 5 mornings a week next year. This year he goes to a nursery school 5 mornings.

He is a bright child, with excellent speech, but not particularly gifted ie doesn't read or write, so that's not the issue. He is in his element when he is one-on-one with an adult, but needs their full attention, asking questions about everything he sees, needing to touch and pick things up and explore. If this attention isn't given to him he will either disappear and do something he knows he'd be asked not to - like playing with taps and flooding bathrooms - or he will move furniture around - eg leaning on all the kitchen chairs until they are all over the room - or redistribut toys around the house without playing with them, in a distracted rather than calculated way.

At nursery he is fine when focussed on by a member of staff eg with a story, but socialises poorly. He gets very agressive. This is also reflected at home, where he seriously attacks his siblings, but particularly his brother.
While he would sit and watch a movie from start to finish on his own, put his siblings in there with him and he just gets restless and attacks them.

I'm sure it's a common phrase on here, but I am at my wits' end. I absolutely don't know where to go with him. I can't bear spending time with him as he is so destructive and just makes me angry.

I am increasingly wondering whether I should see a doctor about him, and start getting tests done. What for, I'm not sure, but I have spent so long saying he'll grow out of it and he's just not.

Please help.

Go with your instincts. What you have said would be equally true of my NT 5 yr old or my SN 6 yr old. If you are concerned, see your GP and get their opinion. Hopefully they will refer you, and then you will either be reassured or have gotten help as soona s possible- both positive outcomes.

Sorry, peachy, what's NT?

Hi utterlyconfused, my ds was like this when he had hearing problems due to glue ear, he displayed every behaviour you describe. when he had his grommets put in he literally changed within a month. Unfortunately his behaviour is getting quite bad again, so am taking him for a hearing test, although it just could be that he is misbehaving.

NT is Neurologically Typical, uc - ie., not with Special Needs.

Hmm, yes, done that one. His nursery teacher suggested I got his ears checked and I thought "what a brilliant idea, that would explain everything!" and I felt so stupid at the doctor's as there was nothing wrong with them at all!!

how did the doctor know there was nothing wrong with them? did he refer you for an audiological assessment or did he just look in to see if he has glue ear?

not being picky but if he does have hearing difficulties, and it isn't related to glue ear, it will most likely only be on certain wavelengths and would need a full audiological assessment to check it out IIRC

If it was the nursery teacher who suggested the hearing tests then I'm guessing that the staff have some concerns too?

I would definitely ask for a proper hearing test at the audiology department if this hasn't already been done. It may be worth asking for a referral to a developmental Paed, just to make sure that everything's okay. It's a good idea to write down all of your concerns in adavnce so that your mind doesn't go blank when you get there. It may also be worth having another talk with the nursery staff to see if they have any specific concerns.

This is really helpful, thank you. Yes, the dr just looked inside his ears, so no, he hasn't been to the audiology department. I have always made the assumption that since he has always had v good speech for his age he couldn't have hearing problems but maybe this is an incorrect assumption.

It is a small and v good nursery school (24 pupils and 4 staff) and they are very involved, so yes, I am liaising closely with them. Their concerns are centred mainly around his aggressive behaviour, although he does have "good days" which are fabulous. He is very affectionate and wonderfully bright, taking in absolutely everything he is ever told and bringing it up again when required.

WharfRat your comments are very pertinent. I think a lot of it is attention seeking. He has always had to make himself heard - ds1 was 3 1/2 when he was born, and dd 21 mths, so he is a "typical" third child. I am very very specific that all my children's, but particularly his (being the youngest) sleep schedules are protected so the older two don't do endless extra curricular activities. They all eat and are put to bed on time, so he doesn't suffer from that point of view. However, compared eg to his brother at that age, he is rushed out of the house in the mornings (amid the usual tension and shouting) and he has to do a rather tedious school run every afternoon.

The thing is that I am not capable of giving him the attention that he seems to be demanding in a toddler-like way. Even putting a simple meal on the table is a real challenge with him around - I can't just give everything up for him... I just don't know where to go with this.

I should maybe add, and I don't think of it as much now as it seems to be more at nursery than at home that this happens, that he has phases were he seems to tune out. He just won't listen, won't meet your eye, does silly things. Almost seems chemical but Ihave no idea what would trigger it. He certainly has an additive-free diet.

Yes, i think I do. He rarely sits down to do something on his own. Occasionally he will be happy to create a farm and play with it, but he generally needs someone else to be entertaining him.

My third child also shows this sort of behaviour sometimes, though not to the extent that you describe.
We got a clue as soon as he was talking clearly, because he would yell "I cant see!!" and push closer to see whatever we were talking about...sure enough, he needed glasses.

I do remember my eldest two doing illogical things like pushing over all the chairs in the kitchen and then running off to wreak some havoc somewhere else in the house.

Really, nightnight, even at this age?

just to add: dd1, who is a very people-centred person, didnt really do things on her own when she was 4. She started to later though.

sorry, posts xed!

yes, I dont remember at what age they stopped doing things like that but fairly late I think

I get more Utterly Confused all the time. I wonder if all this is completely normal then?

It can be really difficult to tell, cant it. I think Id be worried if the teachers thought my children were different, because they see so many children.

I wouldnt worry too much about general comments like "socialises poorly," but if they said that they could see a really big difference with other children then Id be looking for reasons I guess.

You are all being so helpful, thank you.
I will definitely follow up the hearing thing, and also speak to my doctor - my own one who knows me well - to see if we can see a developmental paediatrician.

I just need to try and stay sane!!!!

Do remember that because you have two other children, you are in a good position to make a judgement yourself. Trust your own intuition. I remember taking ds1 to the GP (He has Aspergers) and her saying to me that you'd be amazed how many parents pick it up early if they have other or close together children.

I would deffo push for the hearing test though: DS2 has glue ear and yes it does affect his behaviour, and yes it did require several tests (mostly back up just to be sure tests) at the hospital to be diagnosed, not just a GP visit. You's also be amazed how many of ds1's Aspergers 'symptoms' were alleviated when he started to wear glasses!!