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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Horrible playdate experience :(

63 replies

DogEared · 26/04/2012 20:15

Don't know why I'm posting, just have to share.
DS1 (6) had a schoolfriend over today. She's been here before and was a bit of a handful, but nothing out of the ordinary- hogging toys etc. But today was horrible. :(
There were a few wobbles in the first hour- She was pulling the hood over my DS2's eyes, even though he didn't like it and I told her not to. We have a long foam toy, and she kept hitting my DSes with it- I was very firm and told her "No. We don't do any hitting in this house." She stopped, then did it again. I took the foam thing and put it on a high shelf.
Then her mother came to fetch her, and I invited her in for a coffee. DS1 and the girl went upstairs while we were in the kitchen, having a laugh and a gossip. They were very quiet, which was commented on: "I bet they're making a hell of a mess, they've never been this quiet!" etc.
Then, after about 45 minutes, we called them down because it was time for her to go. DS1 was in floods of tears- Catching his breath, really sobbing. We asked what was wrong, he just said "nothing" but couldn't stop crying. We asked the girl: She also said nothing. She did look a bit guilty though.
Girl and her mother left. I sat DS down and asked what had happened.

Whilst playing upstairs, she had started hissing at him that he was rubbish and playing wrong and she didn't like him. Every toy he picked up, she snatched it away and stood over him. He tried to come downstairs: She stood in his way and hissed "no!" He started crying and she became very agitated and started calling him a baby, to stop crying, don't get her into trouble. She then ordered him into bed, shut the curtains, and sat by his bedside whispering horrible things about him.
He could have shouted for me. He could have stood up to her. He could even have pushed her away. But he didn't. He was totally intimidated by this child and she took full advantage.
I feel like I've let him down because I was downstairs drinking coffee whilst he was sobbing his heart out, upset and afraid in his bed. :( :( :(

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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ToryLovell · 26/04/2012 20:19

What a very unpleasant little girl.

I have no words of advice other than - don't blame yourself, and, don't invite her again. Your poor DS

Littlefish · 26/04/2012 20:20

I think you need to phone her mother and explain that your ds has been really upset.

Are they at school, together? I would be tempted to mention it to the teacher so she can keep an eye on it.

Original poster

DogEared · 26/04/2012 20:23

I told him that she would never ever come to our home again, she was a bully and not worth bothering with. He said "What if you forget she's a bully, and let her come over?" :(
I know he needs to stand up for himself. How do you teach a child how to do that?? He has a lovely nature. I listened to him before this happened when she was being mean, and he was being so bloody nice: "Oh! Of course you can play with this! I was finished with it anyway!" :(

OP posts:

Original poster

DogEared · 26/04/2012 20:24

I've been wondering what to do about the mother. I think she will ask (she's really nice, and you could tell that she knew her DD had been up to something). I'll also tell the teacher.

OP posts:

Faverolles · 26/04/2012 20:26

Your poor boy :(
I would talk to the teacher about it.

LynetteScavo · 26/04/2012 20:27

It makes me wonder what she has experienced to behaved like this. It's not normal.

Your poor DS. It sounds as if he is a placater, rather than having a strong fight or flight instinct. I'm not sure how you teach that.

musttidyupmusttidyup · 26/04/2012 20:28

Just keep reassuring him and bigging him
up whenever you can. Occasionaly practise /rehearse with him situations where you think he might be intimidated.
Forgive yourself.

Shakey1500 · 26/04/2012 20:28

Oh your poor DS :(

I've no advice I'm afraid but think you've done totally the right thing in believing him, comforting him and 100% on his side in that she won't come again. I'm very sad for you and I would feel exactly the same.

Ilovedaintynuts · 26/04/2012 20:32

I think some kids go through very bossy phases (especially girls) so it might be problem that passes. Until then avoid. I would be honest with the mother if she asks but I wouldn't tell her otherwise.

Original poster

DogEared · 26/04/2012 20:33

Thank you for being nice. I'm crying now. I'm so proud of him.
That's a brilliant idea about practising situations with him must I never thought of that.
What really upset me was when we were hugging after she'd gone, I said "don't worry at all, she is never ever coming again" and he said "Oh, Mam, you're so kind to me, you always look after me"

OP posts:

IllegitimateGruffaloChild · 26/04/2012 20:35

What a sad post.

That's horrible for everyone concerned. It does make you wonder what had happened to her to make her behave like that.

How old are all the children?

Schnarkle · 26/04/2012 20:37

Poor DS. Forgive yourself though and let him know she won't darken the door again.

Try some roleplay with him and arm him with replies for people like this. Reinforce in him that no matter what he can call on Mum / Dad for help, regardless of what anyone else says.

IllegitimateGruffaloChild · 26/04/2012 20:37

Sorry - I've reread your OP.

Who was the girl friends with? Where was your other son?

GravyHadALumpyMashBaby · 26/04/2012 20:38

Certainly phone her mother. It's unacceptable behaviour. If she's nice, maybe she just doesn't know how her daughter behaves with children when unattended. Hop your DS is ok. :(

FashionEaster · 26/04/2012 20:39

Poor ds. Sometimes kids are rotten. He doesn't need to toughen up, he sounds lovely as he is - but yes he does need to know a) she and him on a playdate never going to happen again and b) what to do if children are unpleasant, such as shouting loudly "You are being horrible. Muuuuuuuum!" so that he has a practical strategy in his head, that more than anything, is reassuring. Get him to practice doing this and turn it into a joke so she, as now someone to be intimidated by, is diminished in his eyes.

Always awkward talking to another parent about their dc when they've been vile, but am assuming reciprocal invitation will be forthcoming and so you'll need to say something? And if I were that parent would I want to know? Yes, although I'd be mortified, it needs dealing with for her own good.

Suspect playdate's parent knows something was up, from her dd's reaction and may well have questioned her but not got the truth.

Original poster

DogEared · 26/04/2012 20:44

Thank you for your help. I love mumsnet.
The girl is friends with DS1. He is 6, she is 5. My other son (2.9) was downstairs with me. The other mother did ask DS if he wanted to go over to theirs next week, and he nodded- But after they left, he said he wouldn't. So yes, the conversation with the mother will happen, and it's going to be awkward. But if I was her, I'd want to know.

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 26/04/2012 20:45

ok,well some its a steep learning curve
you learn some kids are not good for your kids
give your boy a big hig,tell home you love him. talk about sometimes fights happen and some children can be mean and bossy

i would tactfully say to the mum.something to acknowledge the children had been squabbling and your son was v upset

and much as you love your boy you cant be there every minute. he will inevitably come across some kids of various dispositions.some lovely,some not. and he needs to get experience of these situations. and the reassurance that you love him and a big hug for when its been tough

BenderBendingRodriguez · 26/04/2012 20:47

Oh your poor boy :( That has made me cry a bit. What a horrible experience for him, and in his own 'safe space' too.

Don't really know what to advise other than what everyone else has said. He sounds like a lovely little boy. Maybe praise him for his kind and gentle nature, make sure he knows it isn't weak or undesirable to be nice to others (I have had bullies make me feel like I had to harden up and squash my softer side in order to get by). How does he feel about his bedroom, is he okay or does he feel ill at ease? You could go out and get some new bedclothes together or something. Sorry if these are lame ideas

sooperdooper · 26/04/2012 20:47

The conversation with the other mum will be awkward but as she saw how visibly upset your DS was you have a starter on the conversation right there

How horrible :(

IllegitimateGruffaloChild · 26/04/2012 20:47

Oh - for some reason I thought she was being mean to the younger brother. Not in any way excusable either way. I wondered if younger sibling teasing had just got out of hand.

But she was here behaving like that to a friend utterly horrible. He must have been terrified.

Definitely call the mother. Tonight. Don't let the moment pass. It can then be dealt with swiftly.

Presumably your son will see her at school tomorrow?

BenderBendingRodriguez · 26/04/2012 20:48

Also sorry for posting in an overemotional fashion, am a bit weepy this evening

EverybodysSleepyEyed · 26/04/2012 20:48

My DS strategy is to shout 'No! I don't like it'. It often takes the 'bully' off guard - particularly when he just repeats it whenever they talk to him. Or he just walks away and stands by the teacher if the other child follows. Luckily doesn't happen very often!

It is a horrible thing for your son to have gone through but once he has talked it through he should develop good coping strategies which will stand him in good stead in adulthood

scottishmummy · 26/04/2012 20:51

in fairness nothing in son reaction suggest pushover
and its not necessarily case that this is what he will be like ever more
he is only 6.just wee. just learning

EverybodysSleepyEyed · 26/04/2012 20:53

That's true - he probably just had no idea what to do! So next time he will be better prepared and have the confidence to follow his instincts.

Moomoomie · 26/04/2012 20:53

Why did you not go and check on them while they wer playing upstairs? It sounds like you left them for a long time. Especially if you knew the other child was not always friendly.

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