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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Horrible playdate experience :(

63 replies

DogEared · 26/04/2012 20:15

Don't know why I'm posting, just have to share.
DS1 (6) had a schoolfriend over today. She's been here before and was a bit of a handful, but nothing out of the ordinary- hogging toys etc. But today was horrible. :(
There were a few wobbles in the first hour- She was pulling the hood over my DS2's eyes, even though he didn't like it and I told her not to. We have a long foam toy, and she kept hitting my DSes with it- I was very firm and told her "No. We don't do any hitting in this house." She stopped, then did it again. I took the foam thing and put it on a high shelf.
Then her mother came to fetch her, and I invited her in for a coffee. DS1 and the girl went upstairs while we were in the kitchen, having a laugh and a gossip. They were very quiet, which was commented on: "I bet they're making a hell of a mess, they've never been this quiet!" etc.
Then, after about 45 minutes, we called them down because it was time for her to go. DS1 was in floods of tears- Catching his breath, really sobbing. We asked what was wrong, he just said "nothing" but couldn't stop crying. We asked the girl: She also said nothing. She did look a bit guilty though.
Girl and her mother left. I sat DS down and asked what had happened.

Whilst playing upstairs, she had started hissing at him that he was rubbish and playing wrong and she didn't like him. Every toy he picked up, she snatched it away and stood over him. He tried to come downstairs: She stood in his way and hissed "no!" He started crying and she became very agitated and started calling him a baby, to stop crying, don't get her into trouble. She then ordered him into bed, shut the curtains, and sat by his bedside whispering horrible things about him.
He could have shouted for me. He could have stood up to her. He could even have pushed her away. But he didn't. He was totally intimidated by this child and she took full advantage.
I feel like I've let him down because I was downstairs drinking coffee whilst he was sobbing his heart out, upset and afraid in his bed. :( :( :(

OP posts:

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Growlithe · 26/04/2012 20:56

I would definately tell the mother exactly what happened if she asks, this is not simply a silly squabble, this is quite unusual behaviour.

You should also tell him he needs to tell the teacher straight away if this happens in school, as well as making the teacher aware of the situation. He needs someone to trust when you aren't there too. The teacher needs to know if he comes to her he isn't just 'telling tales'.

Most importantly, I would make sure he knows what a good kind boy he is, and that this girl has been mean to him and it is her behaviour that is not acceptable.

Hope he is feeling better in the morning.

musttidyupmusttidyup · 26/04/2012 20:56

Ofgs Moomoo did you sit and think up something mean to say?

LynetteScavo · 26/04/2012 20:57

45 minutes is a long time to leave quiet 6 year olds. But then hindsight is a wonderful thing.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 26/04/2012 20:58

They teach the kids at DSs 3 & 4 nursery to say 'NO THANK YOU' in a loud voice.

It seems to work very well. A bit like a child's version of the MN classic 'no is a complete sentence'.

So if child A is pushing child B around, child B says 'NO THANK YOU!!' to make them stop. It appears to work.

Except I now have two at the nursery so I have a lot of NO THANK YOU - ing going on in the house

Sorry your DS was so upset. It sounds awful. Keep doing what you are doing. Reassure him, give him stratagies for coping if it happens again and maybe even rehearse what he could say/do.

Chances are the girl will grow out of it and is not the monster she seems. As Scottishmummy says, your son may well be able to cope with this sort of thing he gets older.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 26/04/2012 21:00

45 minutes a long time to leave 6 year olds? In a room a few feet from their parents.

Really?

Not in my world.

FashionEaster · 26/04/2012 21:00

Because only in hindsight did she realise that the quiet was not because they were playing nicely as many would assume - hence her slanted explanation - and possibly because she was with the other parent in the house, with another younger dc to look after and isn't a helicopter parent always hovering. Gah! How is that scenario difficult to comprehend? Am exaperated now. Need chocolate.

FashionEaster · 26/04/2012 21:02

Sorry LS that irkness wasn't aimed at you, but at another more censorious post designed to make DogEared feel more upset than she is.

ICutMyFootOnOccamsRazor · 26/04/2012 21:03

My DS who's 4 is a bit like this - likes to get on with everybody and play and share.

He's been in a couple of situations where he didn't know what to do if another child was being mean. He knows he's not allowed to hit etc and he gets confused and upset and doesn't know how to respond, so we've taught him just to say very firmly "No! Don't do that!' and to walk away. It really works for him.

Maybe think of a similar phrase for your DS to use, DogEared?

LynetteScavo · 26/04/2012 21:04

What I meant was 45 mins is a long time to leave quiet 6 year olds.

But then my DC are only quiet when up to no good. Usually I'm worrying about structural damage they may be causing to the house.

Original poster

DogEared · 26/04/2012 21:09

OK. Thank you to all who are being nice. I really appreciate it.

For those of you saying I left them for too long, well yes. I did. I always leave them to it on playdates, and I could hear playing noises, so assumed everything was okay. And even though I knew the child was difficult, obviously I didn't know she was this bad or she wouldn't have been invited. But I do feel shit about it, yes.

I'm glad you're saying that DS isn't being a pushover. I'm a bit paranoid about that because my brother was bullied and didn't stand up for himself, and DS is very similar.

OP posts:

Original poster

DogEared · 26/04/2012 21:10

To be honest, I thought the quietness was due to serious mess-making. I won't make that mistake again. :(

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mamij · 26/04/2012 21:14

Your poor DS. What a horrible situation for him to be in. I agree that the mum must know. Maybe you could explain it when DS doesn't go over to play. She may be doing it other children too and it's got to be stopped.

IllegitimateGruffaloChild · 26/04/2012 21:16

Is ds in bed now? Tomorrow's anther day

Original poster

DogEared · 26/04/2012 21:18

Yes, he's asleep. He seems to be fine. He was very tactile before bed, and asked for other friends to come and play next week, so hopefully he'll get over it pretty quickly.

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IllegitimateGruffaloChild · 26/04/2012 21:25

That's really positive. Sounds like he's recovered ok - especially as he can differentiate between bad friends and bad play dates. Iykwim.

Shazjack1 · 26/04/2012 21:44

My ds had a 'friend' similar to that. One time I walked in the room and the friend was actually sitting on my ds face and ds couldn't breathe. I couldn't believe it. He never got an invite back.

pinkyp · 26/04/2012 21:47

How awful for your ds you couldn't of known, just reassure him and def speak to the mother and lots of hugs

lockets · 26/04/2012 21:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

DogEared · 26/04/2012 21:55

I think we're going to have to figure out something similar lockets. I am going to spend the weekend reassuring him and going through some possible scenarios. Feeling a lot more positive now thanks to you lot. Thank you :)

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teacherwith2kids · 26/04/2012 22:04

DogEared,

Just echoing ideas from others that role-playing (a lot) with your DS how and when to shout 'PLEASE STOP DOING THAT I DON'T LIKE IT' [warn the teacher, as it may well be happening in school as well and he needs to be able to respond in exactly the same way in all environments, at least while he's learning.

DS (quiet, good, bewildered by bad behaviour, mild ASD so unable to read the emotions of others) was badly bullied in Reception. I got some wind of it, and taught him about shouting. His Reception teacher soon became WELL aware of the degree to which this child was bullying him and it got stopped very quickly after that. It never happened again - I think knowing what to do was all DS needed to carry himself with the confidence that marked him out as 'less vulnerable'.

Original poster

DogEared · 27/04/2012 09:18

Thanks teacher. Will be practising our yelling this weekend. DS was fine going in to school, but he did wet the bed last night.

Spoke to the teacher. She wasn't altogether surprised, as the child has form with this kind of thing, though not with DS. She said she'd keep an eye, and was very very kind and nice. I'm so lucky he goes to such a lovely school.

Thank you all for good advice.

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Ilovedaintynuts · 27/04/2012 10:25

Can I just say how proud you should be of your little boy being so sensitive and empathetic. Yes, he may 'suffer' a little more at school or in childhood relationships but long-term he is going to make a fantastic man. Well done you

laura4jasmine · 27/04/2012 11:22

Oh bless him! He sounds just like my ds1 (5yo), he is just the most gentle soul and would never seek to upset anyone. I have told him often that NO-ONE is allowed to say or do things to him that he doesn't like, it's ALWAYS ok to tell me no matter what they say, 'cause I can't help if I don't know. I have had to tackle situations he's told me about, but at least I know that although I can't be there all the time, he knows he can tell me and I will help.

Original poster

DogEared · 27/04/2012 12:42

Ilove You have made me cry. I am proud of him, very very proud. He's so gentle and sensitive. He's not perfect, of course, but he has a very good heart.

OP posts:

sheeplikessleep · 27/04/2012 12:57

Oh OP, my heart goes out to you, what a shitty experience for you all. Kids are resilient and I'm sure this is affecting you now, more than him.

You've done totally the right thing and I hope you do speak to the other mum. You sound so level headed.

Your boy sounds absolutely lovely. I understand your concerns - DS1 is also on the sensitive side. He does this 'I'm fine' face with a big fixed grin, just before he bursts into tears, if another child even so much as bumps into him. I'm trying to teach him to say 'no thank you' loudly if anyone else snatches off him, that his body is his own and to do what he wants to do and if he is playing with something, he has the right not to have toys snatched off of him. 'Luckily', he has some quite bossy cousins, so I'm around and I say things like 'it's fine sheepboy, just say no if you don't want to' if I can see he is uncomfortable with something. It's hard. You sound like a fab mum.

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