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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Horrible playdate experience :(

63 replies

DogEared · 26/04/2012 20:15

Don't know why I'm posting, just have to share.
DS1 (6) had a schoolfriend over today. She's been here before and was a bit of a handful, but nothing out of the ordinary- hogging toys etc. But today was horrible. :(
There were a few wobbles in the first hour- She was pulling the hood over my DS2's eyes, even though he didn't like it and I told her not to. We have a long foam toy, and she kept hitting my DSes with it- I was very firm and told her "No. We don't do any hitting in this house." She stopped, then did it again. I took the foam thing and put it on a high shelf.
Then her mother came to fetch her, and I invited her in for a coffee. DS1 and the girl went upstairs while we were in the kitchen, having a laugh and a gossip. They were very quiet, which was commented on: "I bet they're making a hell of a mess, they've never been this quiet!" etc.
Then, after about 45 minutes, we called them down because it was time for her to go. DS1 was in floods of tears- Catching his breath, really sobbing. We asked what was wrong, he just said "nothing" but couldn't stop crying. We asked the girl: She also said nothing. She did look a bit guilty though.
Girl and her mother left. I sat DS down and asked what had happened.

Whilst playing upstairs, she had started hissing at him that he was rubbish and playing wrong and she didn't like him. Every toy he picked up, she snatched it away and stood over him. He tried to come downstairs: She stood in his way and hissed "no!" He started crying and she became very agitated and started calling him a baby, to stop crying, don't get her into trouble. She then ordered him into bed, shut the curtains, and sat by his bedside whispering horrible things about him.
He could have shouted for me. He could have stood up to her. He could even have pushed her away. But he didn't. He was totally intimidated by this child and she took full advantage.
I feel like I've let him down because I was downstairs drinking coffee whilst he was sobbing his heart out, upset and afraid in his bed. :( :( :(

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

IllegitimateGruffaloChild · 27/04/2012 13:21

at 'sheepboy'

ragged · 27/04/2012 13:31

Your son will forget & forgive quicker than you would believe, OP. Please don't take a forever attitude about this.

diddiehunter · 27/04/2012 14:16

I am the mother of a very bossy 8 year old, she locked her friend in a wardrobe once,poor child was traumatised. as a mother of a child that behaves this way,i do hope that if she is invited out to a friends,the parents tell me any issues they have had and i try and deal with it there and then. Of course,i cant do that if the parents dont tell me in the first place!
The mother must know her child can be challenging at times and i know id be devestated if i wasnt told...oh and just for the record, my child hasnt been "through anything", which could explain her behaviour,its just her! Shes my world,despite her sometimes,challenging behaviour! :-)

Original poster

DogEared · 27/04/2012 16:50

I spoke to the mother. I really felt for her, as she was very quiet and then said "I knew she'd done something, I'm so sorry." But she did say thanks for telling her, and there was less awkwardness than I had expected.
diddiehunter I'm glad you've said that- I don't think this girl has been "through anything" either, she's just going through a bad patch. (BTW- Is a diddie a dummy? Because it is in our house! :) )

OP posts:

sheeplikessleep · 27/04/2012 17:39

Dogeared - you've done the right thing. Good on you for facing a difficult conversation.

diddiehunter · 27/04/2012 17:48

See! Id be gutted to think my daughter had hurt someone that way and i was never able to teach that it was so wrong! and yes! Dummy! Constantly on the hunt! Usually at stupid o'clock in the morning! Lol

TheGrandOldDuke · 27/04/2012 18:57

If it was my son being naughty, I would be utterly mortified, but I would absolutely want to know so that I could deal with the behaviour (Lord knows how though!)

Also I don't understand this 'pushover' thing about bullied children? But then my son is only 2.5 so maybe I'll know what you mean when he gets a bit older. In my inexperienced opinion, bullying is never about the person being bullied, and all about the bully's own insecurities. My husband was severely bullied throughout his childhood for looking 'different' and it is the fact that his parents taught him that it wasn't about him, but about the bullies own weakness, that made him the hugely strong, amazing, sporty, Oxbridge educated wonderful man he is. And yes, I am really proud of him :-)

So it sounds like you're doing absolutely the right thing. Parental support, and knowing they can always talk to you, is the main thing. And a tip from my mother-in-law, if the bullies steal your child's sandwiches at lunch, add a few chillies....

Original poster

DogEared · 27/04/2012 19:40

I think that what I mean when I say pushover what I mean is passive. He'll avoid confrontation at all costs. He freezes when people are mean to him, and he just wants to cry except when his little brother nicks his lego, then he can yell
But the truth is, I don't want him to change. It's his nature, and it's a lovely one. It's just about equipping him with the ability to keep his cool and not seem flustered when someone's horrible to him.
Thank you all for your help. It's ridiculous how much comfort strangers' words bring. :)

OP posts:

FashionEaster · 27/04/2012 19:56

Am very impressed by how you've handled the whole business, reassuring your ds but also the kindly way you've approached the playdates's mum.

daytoday · 27/04/2012 20:15

I suspect the mum knows her daughter behaves like this?

One of my kids had a friend like this. I saw her being really mean to a random toddler and was shocked. And then I caught this child squeezing my daughters wrist - really hard, and lots of other things which were all very controlling. I don't trust her with my kid and think she is tweaked. - She's the only child I have met in 15 years who is like this. It was more than being rough.

So I have severed the friendship between the kids - I do like the mum though. So I see her without kids.

dikkertjedap · 27/04/2012 20:46

I think that it might be good to invite another friend but keep them within your earshot and to make sure from the start what the rules are in your house in case you notice anything you don't like: 'We play nicely together, we share and we listen to each other'. It is important to work on your son's assertiveness, mainly to protect him as he will come across many kids like this little girl. I have come across lots of parents especially of bossy girls who actually like the fact that their daughter is like that and confuse borderline bullying with 'assertiveness' and 'knowing what she wants and being able to get it'. At our school we have quite a few of these girls and the venom and nastiness and ability to hurt other children (verbally and physically) which these four and five year olds can display is unimaginable if you have not actually witnessed it.

sheeplikessleep · 27/04/2012 20:56

"when I say pushover what I mean is passive. He'll avoid confrontation at all costs. He freezes when people are mean to him, and he just wants to cry except when his little brother nicks his lego, then he can yell"

OP - I think our sons are so similar (my DS even has a younger brother who nicks DS1 lego and he is also quite happy to yell then!).

Growlithe · 27/04/2012 21:09

"But the truth is, I don't want him to change. It's his nature, and it's a lovely one. It's just about equipping him with the ability to keep his cool and not seem flustered when someone's horrible to him."

If you keep this as a plan, you can't go far wrong. He sounds like a good lad.

Hope the other mum can get to the bottom of the friends behaviour too.

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