3YO rejected from every school

[prepschoolreject]

My 3Yo has been rejected from ever prep school he was on the list for.

Chances of getting a place at the over subscribed (and late application) state school are minimal.

Reasons given from prep schools are (i) DC will not listen to advice (ii) DC will not complete activities 'on demand' (iii) DC will not adhere to social rules.

None of this is really new information for me. I already know all of the above, but I am struggling to get help because DC is patently extremely intelligent.

What on earth can I do now?

Yes, I know two similar children, they both play in a Saturday football club with my eldest, it is a team for autistic children and they are both high functioning children, their team is a joy to watch and lifts my soul every weekend.

yet.

you don't have a statement, yet.

has he been assessed by a developmental paed? waht does your paed say? quite often they liaise with the lea wrt transition to school.

a lot of the services are post code based, including dx, - some areas might need camhs involvement.

what has happened so far wrt his possible sn?

Starlight - we are private. We are a good way down the 'assessment' route.

But, my state primary of choice (albeit a late one) has said that I need to wait for an NHS referral before they will take notice and they won't act on the private Diagnosis.

I feel like I'm between a rock and a hardplace

'do you know many 3Yo who can give you a run down on the internal combustion engine? Or give a definitive list of the differences between the Flying Scotsman and a pendolino? Or directions over a 250Mile journey? yet, struggle to name the road they live on?'

Bloody hell. That's spooky. I might add to it 'and could write their name, and those of any of their family, at rising three -- without being taught'.

That was my boy at 3. He's both G&T and SEN (Asperger's). Now 16, and the state system has really, genuinely done him proud.

He was a runner as well, come to think of it.

'sorry, please don't flame me, this is so far from the situation I thought I would find myself in'

No flaming here, none of us with challenging children planned it, or thought it would happen to us, or that life wouldn't follow the plan we designed.
You will have to be fluid in your thinking and accepting of the fact that your child may not fit an off-the-peg outfit, he may need something tailored to fit.
Something not offered by many private schools.

I would also recommend getting him privately assessed for SN. And soon. As mentioned, a statement will get him into a good local school even an oversubscribed one. He needs support now.

re getting lost: all the state schools I know have the gates lost in the daytime; visitor's entrance only through reception which is manned at all times, so it wouldn't be physically possible for a child to sneak out unnoticed

I think what you need to do pronto is to start visiting schools and see how much help they could offer your ds before statement

Right, so he's three, and already you are well on the way to accepting that he may need help, actively seeking it, and you have your eye on a good primary.

Honestly, you are doing brilliantly. My head was still firmly in the sand at that point -- couldn't see why our brilliant boy seemed so odd and difficult to others, when they should surely have been bowled over by his brains and shy charm.

Sorry, X-posted with you OP. Do the other state primaries only look at non-private statements?

Lancelottie - yep, reading and writing here too. Can spell him name (and surname) without issue

prep. Schools do not decide who to take (At reception level) LA's do, and they are not allowed to dismiss private dx, even if they pretend they can.

Teachers are a funny ole breed. Many of them perceive injustice in a system that enables some children to jump the queue because the parents have money (even if the parents sold their house and security to get it) and feel that it is unfair on other children who may well have greater need but are on a lifelong fobbing off merry-go-round because the parents refuse to sell their house etc.. But the system IS injust.

Where in the country are you?

OP, sorry to double post.

Yes, I've known at least two like that and one was a runner. When he couldn't run he dug, Colditz style. Successfully.

You'll obviously need to do a lot of support yourself. But many many private preps are simply not set up for the unusual or, in our case, ill. They want the standard product.

When he's coming up to traditional prep school age, think further. If he has huge academic potential someone will want him for their scholarship board.

In the meantime, try not to worry too much. A wise reception teacher and ta will work wonders.

so, this week you need to pop to your gp and ask for a referral. get him into the nhs system for dx. you know there'll be waiting lists and whatnot, but you've got plenty of time. and you need to be paralleling your private stuff. ask the gp what the route to dx is in your area, and who can dx.

honestly, it's all good.

loads of us are a lot further down the line, and so are aware of lots of similar children etc etc, whereas you haven't got there yet. that's nowt to fret about, but just explains why you feel all at sea. your carefully laid plans are in ruins, so you need to make some new ones. you can do that.

and you can still plan to transition later to private if it works out that way.

nothing is set in stone.

remember to pop along to the sn board as well.

starlight - thankyou so much for your post. This is exactly how I feel with the school I have sort of 'chosen' as my state primary.

It feels like they feel we are too 'rich' and are trying to blag our way at the last moment; But, then when I try to pay for his education, we're not 'normal' enough.

As I said, rock and a hardplace.

Thankyou all for listening tonight. I feel like I have failed him.

Prep -- mmm. I think you may be thinking along the right lines, then.

Incidentally, I too could read and write at 3 without noticeably being taught. Didn't speak till nearly two, and never spoke at school if I could help it. No wonder DS never seemed that odd to me!

Of course you haven't failed him, look at what you've written. You aren't refusing to see what the issues are, you aren't complaining that he's making your life difficult, you aren't refusing to try and get him whatever help he needs.
You sound like a caring, loving parent who is a bit lost at the moment and looking for a way forwards. How is that failing him?

Remember, too, that he is nowhere near statutory school age yet (not till nearly 5), so you could, if you can wangle it, simply keep him on the waiting list of your chosen school without sending him elsewhere -- home ed him yourself, or get a a good nanny/childminder to do so meanwhile, and get all your assessments sorted.

Someone will move out of reception in the next year. Someone always does.

If you can afford private perhaps you can afford a nanny who would HE him?

he will work out how to open a lock / door / bolt and then leave.

Locks on private and state school doors are pretty similar quality.
DS attends a private school that seems to specialise in SN and Awkward Squad cases like DS. I wouldn't rate their security very highly, either.

Agree with Dust. Posters that take on board advice of others and explore what they have to say even if it is challenging, are gonna get good advice and engagement and suggestions.

And btw, prognosis for children such as yours is way better for a parent like you seem to be!

I want to reiterate everything Dustinthewind said and also add that, if you fit the admission criteria, no state school can reject you for being too rich. There are plenty of wealthy parents who choose state schools for early years. And there are plenty of state schools in certain areas that lose a lot of children to prep school at the end of Y2 or Y3.

Thankyou all.

I really just needed to hear some reassuring words and you have all been so helpful.

I don't feel DC is a problem at all. He's my PFB and always, always will be. I honestly will do anything I need to do to ensure his happiness / success. I just feel lost as to what that is right now.

Yes, HE is something that we are doing right now and I feel I would like to continue, but this seems to just exacerbate the academic stuff and doesn't deal with the social stuff.

I almost certainly will take the state school we are offered, but I still feel bad that the other 3 children will go to a 'desirable' prep while he goes to state.

Again, my problem not his and I WILL put his needs first.

Not always easy for me not to have a lump in my throat over it though.

Thankyou all again. You have been so kind.

Does he want to socialise? If he has lots of siblings (did I read that right, and you have 4 in total, all under 4? I take my hat off if so!), he can 'practise on them', as my DS used to put it.

Oh, and massive sympathy over the lump in the throat. It's not uncommon to go into a sort of guilty mourning over what you thought your child's life would be like, and then feel still guiltier for feeling bad about it.

maybe think about contacting the area inclusion coordinator at your local LA and discussing whether it would be advantageous to put him in a nursery for a few session a week - couple of mornings?

this would give him some time to experience peer group socialisation, as well as put him on the radar to the early years team - really helpful for transition to yr r, and possible statementing etc.

most private nurseries have access to the LA team (including ed psychs and often autism outreach services) as long as they are ofsted registered and part of the free 15 hours nursery place - dd2's private nursery was, certainly, and she had full time 1-1 paid for by the county way before statementing.

good luck x

:-) No, DSD1 (17) + DSDBF (19) and then DSD2 (14), DS (3) and DD (2)

So, yeah, I suppose he's got a busy home life!!!