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Original poster

what does your 8yo DS know about sex?

66 replies

IceColdToes · 31/01/2012 13:04

New boy recently started in DS's class has been teaching them lots of swear words and sex talk at playtime. DS isn't repeating them - we don't swear at home and he knows the rules - but he is telling me about this new boy "who is allowed to swear" And I guess the time was always going to come when DS would be curious about sex...

Now I need a bit of advice as to what to do. I bought an usborne book a while ago which is at the back of my wardrobe as I knew one day we'd need to sit down and have the talk - but I'm not sure how much to say. But I'd rather he learnt the facts correctly from me. But I don't know if I'm overreacting and he's still so young. Too young ???

Tips please!

New boy has only been in this class for 3 weeks so is this just a novelty / hero worship thing that will pass. Or do I need to sit down and do the whole sex talk.

Thanks!

OP posts:
Northumberlandlass · 31/01/2012 13:24

Hi IceColdToes,
I have an 8 yr old DS and I haven't had THE talk. Although, DS asks a lot of questions Grin which I answer as truthfully & factually as I can, without any embarrassment for anyone!

I m intrigued what kind of 'sex talk' they are having? Maybe next time he says New Boy was talking about sex, just ask him what he said ? You'll probably be quite surprised at the level of it....it won't be as bad as you think.

As for swearing, my DS knows pretty much everything. He occasionally asks if a word is 'a swear' and he knows he can ask without fear of being told off!

I certainly don't think you need to do the whole 'sex talk', although I'm not sure what that actually means. My Mum left until quite late and did that very uncomfortable "I think we need to have a chat"...I remember being mortified when she said the word "balls" Smile

Guess what I am trying (and failing) to say is keep it v casual, enquire what he has been told, clarify / explain correctly and then answer any questions he may have! If anything like my DS, he write lists of them Grin

Original poster
IceColdToes · 31/01/2012 13:31

Thanks. I know what you mean about keeping it casual. DS just clams up if I ever say "you can talk to me" , "you can ask me" etc. But when he had a playdate at this friend's the other day the mum overheard them using words like sexy. Not a big deal I suppose it's just DS has never asked me anything. Not even what tampons etc are when they're in the trolley at tesco. I'm not a prude but likewise I don't want to go overboard if he's not ready. But my parents never told me anything and I don't want to be like them either!!!

I guess I need to chill a bit x

OP posts:
NotMostPeople · 31/01/2012 13:37

My ds recently had his 9th birthday and knows about sex. I've always answered questions as and when, my dc's knew that babies are baby by the Mum and Dad 'connecting' when they were young. My eldest dd was very interested in the subject, younger dd thinks its all gross and ds is the same. I bought them books from The Book People that are gender specific, but with a chapter at the back about the opposite sex. Gave it to them to read and then gave them an opportunity to ask any questions. The girls didn't want Dad to talk to them about it, but ds wanted both of us.

I think so long as you give them the facts, no stork nonsense and talk about whatever circumstances you think are right ie. marriage, love, trust, age limit etc then all will be well. They're not going to rush off and give it a try are they?

Seona1973 · 31/01/2012 13:50

ds who is 5 knows that boys have sperm which look a bit like tadpoles. He knows that girls have eggs and that when the tadpoles and sperm get together it turns into a baby in the mum's tummy. Him and dd (who is 8) also know a bit about periods - the body gets ready to have a baby and the lining thickens up but when no baby is made the lining comes out as blood but it doesnt hurt. We just chat as and when, no need to sit down and make a big thing about it

Seona1973 · 31/01/2012 13:50

tadpoles and eggs

alison222 · 31/01/2012 13:53

Ds asked questions at that age that I answered factually. He did not want the whole "talk" - just answers to that specific question at that time. - Of course he did pick his moments to do it - usually walking down a crowded street - Answers were put off to a quieter time at home. He was grossed out when he eventually asked "but HOW does the sperm get to the egg?" and it has later been mentioned as sounding awful and he cant imagine why anyone would want to do THAT - in response to my answer as to how you could get accidentally pregnant ( no idea where he heard that one) so unless he shows signs of wanting to know about everything I'd hold off and let him have the Usbourne book to look at if you think it is appropriate timing ( is it the one of how the whole body works? - if so I spent a lot of time explaining how hearts and lungs work after he read it)

Original poster
IceColdToes · 31/01/2012 13:56

Thanks Seona but DS has never raised anything before - I would love to do the softly softly thing like you and Notmostpeople, rather than make it into a big deal but honestly he has never shown any curiosity until the past few weeks when he's been learning new words. I think I need to have a quiet chat with him maybe when little brother is at a playdate and like Northumberlandlass suggests find out what he thinks he knows and then go from there.

I don't want to not do/say anything the way my parents did but I don't want to blind him with science either. I've just been flicking through the book I'd bought (Let's talk about sex) but this covers subjects like abortions that I don't think are appropriate just yet. So we'll start with a few basics! Wish me luck!

OP posts:
WannabeMegMarch · 31/01/2012 13:57

My DS 8 is a bit of a sciencey geek and has been told the bare details....sex is the special hug mums and dads have, eggs and sperm, where they (eggs and sperm) live, periods are the warm bed made for a baby being thrown out every month.
He started coming home a while ago talking about sex, and sexy ladies and teacher is hot. I asked him what it meant and he didn't know!!! So that was an 'in' to chat about respect and privacy and mens/womens bodies not being objects etc etc Very PC!

Original poster
IceColdToes · 31/01/2012 13:59

Alison I like the idea of a whole body book - kind of makes it less of a big deal. Thanks!

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PosieParker · 31/01/2012 13:59

Gosh mine have had the sex talk at that age, purely because I don't want them to misinformed in the playground.

So we had the talk in the car, then you don't need eye contact. Matter of fact I asked what he knew and what questions he had. I also felt the need to talk about what happens to girls and how to be respectful about bras and periods.

PosieParker · 31/01/2012 14:00

We talked about erections, semen, vaginas, eggs....how sex is something that is fun to do but only when you're an adult as it carries a lot of complex emotions. We talked about virginity and how special that is, that exploring one's body is private but nothing to be ashamed of.

Original poster
IceColdToes · 31/01/2012 14:01

WannabeMegMarch - I think the "sexy ladies" talking the talk thing is what I'm facing with my DS.

Really glad I posted, am feeling better already :)

OP posts:
Original poster
IceColdToes · 31/01/2012 14:03

Posie, that's why I posted - I don't want him being misinformed in the playground. That's exactly it. But because he has never shown any curiosity I haven't raised it either. Looks like now is the time!

OP posts:
PosieParker · 31/01/2012 14:04

I have had four dcs and so questions like 'but how did it actually get in there?'.....Grin

WhatIsPi · 31/01/2012 14:06

We did it walking to school Posie - no eye contact there either and it was surprisingly easy to be very straightforward about it - I was astonished ds hadnt worked it out about the delivery method but there we are.

He had lost interest by the time I had got onto periods. Which was typical.

PosieParker · 31/01/2012 14:15

We had a separate chat about periods....because DS3 threw all my tampax down the toilet, then DS1 (9) was playing with my LAST one in the bath. As I was all PMT I thought I'd tell them what they were for!!!

frankies69 · 31/01/2012 14:46

My DS is 11 and his school has done 'THE TALK' very nicely...He came home on the day they found out 'how' babies are made saying...I don't need you to tell me anything I know HOW babies are made!!! They have told us all we need to know at school!!! Shock He then refused to talk to me about it any more!!!! I think that was more his embarresment than anything else Blush

However I do know a DF of mine her son came home and said 'You put that there!!!! DISGUSTING!!!!!Grin

frankies69 · 31/01/2012 14:48

I must say my DS thought babies came in and out of the bottom!!! Shock that said it hasn't traumertised him in any way Grin

LimburgseVlaai · 31/01/2012 14:50

I have bought 9yo DD some books and read them with her.

But the best opportunity was when we were talking about having the dog castrated, which led to what his balls and willy are for, and how they are used to make babies. Not sure that she made the connection to human reproduction, but the seeds have been sown (ahem).

kaluki · 31/01/2012 15:01

When my oldest was 7 a boy at school told himeverything! I then gave him the book and told him the basics but he was a bit embarrassed and didn't want to talk about it so I just left the book in my room and told him to look at it when he felt ready and to ask questions when he wanted to. Over the years he has asked the odd thing but I think he liked having the book there as a first point of reference.
DS2 is 8 now and hasn't shown any interest in knowing so I haven't told him. I don't think he's mature enough yet - he is still at the stage where he giggles hysterically at boobies and bums!!!!!

mummymeister · 31/01/2012 16:18

We have used the book mummy laid an egg by usbourne for each of our 3. it is clear and to the point and they then asked questions. we did it in year 5 as this is when they do it at school and i wanted him to hear it from me first. we also have chickens and cockerels - makes it a whole lot easier and i have just made my girls (11 and 14) watch one born every minute - that should put em off for a good while Smile

WentworthMillerMad · 31/01/2012 17:05

Hi - I bought my ds9 the Claire Raynor "the body book" which I would recommend!

FantasticDay · 31/01/2012 17:11

My 5 year old loved 'Mummy Laid an Egg'. She has known about eggs and seeds since she was about 3/4, but wanted to know how the seed got to the egg - I thought it was probably best to get it over with before she got to the age of embarrassment! She also knows (courtesy of her mate with two mums), that if there are two mummies, they have to borrow a seed from a kind man!

marshmallowpies · 31/01/2012 17:24

My mum was a biology teacher so I had already raided the Usborne 'Body Book' in her study to find it all out for myself (although the bit about sex was illustrated with 2 robots called the Mum Machine and Dad Machine, which COULD lead to some rather confused ideas about sex imo...).

So when she called me in for 'a little chat' (probably aged 9 or 10) I was desperately embarrassed and wanted to say 'I've read all the books already, please don't tell me anything' but I kind of felt I had to let her carry on telling me, because SHE evidently felt she ought to do it!

I was considered to be a bit of a prude and stuck-up when I was at secondary school (in reality = painfully shy) so it was a great weapon in my arsenal if people said 'I bet YOU don't know about the birds and the bees, Marshmallow', I'd turn round and say 'Actually my mum's a BIOLOGY teacher so I know all about it, so there!'. That shut 'em up good and proper...

mathanxiety · 31/01/2012 17:34

I think what yo need to do first is bring the playground behaviour of this new boy to the attention of the school, because it is not ok and in fact is sometimes a signal that there are problems at home.

Then tell your DS that swearing/bad behaviour/naughtiness and sex are not necessarily linked, that sex is a natural part of life and one that ideally is associated with maturity and not immaturity.

Then if you think he is interested in knowing about development, there are books at age appropriate levels available.