Doc blaming our co-sleeping/extended breastfeeding for 2 yo DD's development issues... I need advice

[eskimomama]

Hello,

My DD is 2 (25 mo) and not speaking at all, not one word. She doesn't respond to her name and doesn't point much either (only in her peppa pig books).

Over the past few months I got awfully worried it could be ASD and managed to get refered to a child psychologist. We saw him in August and now again in November. Back in August he said he wasn't worried for ASD but told me I should try to stop breastfeeding at night (she's a bad sleeper) and also to stop co-sleeping.

We tried a few times but didn't manage, it was way too hard and me and DH were just shattered.

Now in November, nothing has changed. She has started nursery but only 1 hour per day so far as she finds it very hard to adapt. Getting better slowly though.

Her hearing is being checked later this week just to rule out hearing difficulties (she does look a lot at our lips when we talk, and touches our lips when she wants a song).

So today the child psychologist basically told me off for still co-sleeping and still breastfeeding at night when she wakes up. I KNOW it's not ideal but it just happened that way (she had bad eczema as a baby due to milk/egg allergies and woke up all the time scractching, only BFing would calm her down) We also moved around a lot (changed homes 4 times in one year, and overseas) and it might have affected her...who the hell knows.

I think its not very valid to blame co-sleeping and breastfeeding for her development issues... it sounds like a piece of old school advice. Most of my friends who have toddlers co-sleep with them somehow, and many moms do extended bfing too.

I don't think I'm overprotecting her that much.....?

The child psychologist thinks she never learned to separate herself from me (she's only been with me until 2, no baby sitter at all, no nursery until 2) and I should let her cry at night to help her understand she is an individual. He says starting nursery now isn't enough, the change should happen at home too.

I'm confused and not convinced, and if I'm not convinced how can I change things...

Thanks in advance for any shared experience!

Hi OP. Sorry to hear you're having such a hard time. To be honest I have no real experience of this but having done things rather differently with my DS (2.4) I can only say that it would seem to me that at 2 they ARE trying to establish themselves as independent people and do need to develop some self reliance in order to achieve that. I think the co-sleeping surely has to stop soon - children (as opposed to babies) generally do have their own beds. How about putting her in a single bed in her own room and sleeping in their with her for a few nights, then on a mattress on the floor next to the bed, then further away and so on. It will be difficult but may take much less time than you think. Make a big deal of it being a special big girl bed with pretty bedding that she chooses etc. I really can't advise re the breastfeeding as I always mix fed and stopped after a few months. Perhaps the lack of development is connected to the ways in which she is still living a "baby" lifestyle, rather than a toddler one? Hope you get things sorted and that someone comes along with more relevant experience!

err sorry but HOW is extended bfeeding co-sleeping supposed to be hindering her development with language and social skills?!!

sorry but that to me seems madness, have a look at the analytical armadillo on fb and post there if you can for some support/advice.

i co-slept and bfed with mine, two of them till over 3 yrs, one was nearly 4 actually and it didnt affect their development, i have no idea how it would and any reading on attachment parenting would show you that it is a good and positive thing to do.

i dont have any experience of speech/language problems tho two of my boys were later to talk but then all of a sudden they got it and then never shut up since!

i think you need to be seeing someone else, a speech and language therapist? why are you seeing a child psychologist?

I cannot for the life of me think that the co-sleeping and BF could possibly on it's own lead to her being quiet. You must do what your sensible instincts tell you. She wont be CS and BF at 10 will she? You have to do this at a pace that suits you and your daughter. It seems to me that they ave only added problems rather than helped!
I wonder if you could work with her at home playing games that involve making noise to see if that helps. Can you play fun mirroring games? Starting with faces? Moving on to sounds? Involve rewards to sweeten the experience for you both.

Could you afford to get an assessment from an independant speech and language therapist as a starting point?

Not sure what co sleeping or breast feeding has to do with any of it tbh?

This psych sounds like a quack, with bonus points for making this issue your fault. And i agree, a speech therapist not a psych is your better bet.

I don't know much about speech delays, I'm afraid. Friends who've experienced this with their children have either found that it's hearing difficulties, or nothing at all and their kids have just caught up. My DH had two words until he was 4, and is a very articulate man finishing a PhD right now.

This idea that your toddler doesn't know that she's a separate person from you because you co-sleep and breastfeed is utter, utter nonsense. Really it is. Change your dr.

FWIW my 4.2 yo dd still co-sleeps and I breastfed her til she was 2.5yo. She was at home with me full time til last month and now she spends 2.5hrs a day at pre-school. She didn't seem to have any issues at all with understanding she was a separate entity - if anything I'd say she understood that all too well very early on as she was a real velcro baby. We let her go at her own pace as that's our/her style - it seems to work and we've thought 'none of your business' should anyone (usu. family!) voice negative opinions.
Not sure in your circumstances but it's been a very good approach with our DD and I totally agree with the Dr Sears books that providing this level of security makes a confident, secure child. HTH and good luck with your DD - I'm a strong believer in following your instinct.

Er, as the mother of a 2 year old who currently tries to get into my bed at every opportunity, I can categorically say that co-sleeping has in no way stopped her developing her individuality. In fact, frankly I could do with quite a lot less individuality and quite a lot more compliance. I am, however, a big fan of a good night's sleep for both toddlers and parents as I think generally that leads to happier households and more settled kids. Maybe the psychologist thought the same and was somewhat clumsily trying to explain that he thought co-sleeping and bf might interrupting a solid 12 hours of sleep.

Utter Utter bullshit. DS slept with us until he was 2 and bf until he was 3. He's bright and doing exceptionally well at pre school.

Penguins post is very wise. Hope you get some proper support soon.

I think that child psychologist is giving a personal opinon rather than professional opinon. When my son was the same age we saw a community paediatrian who was very positive about the fact that my son was still breastfeed.

This was our experience.

DS: Boobie
Paediatrian: We are happy if you want to feed him

Community paediatrian writes down in notes "Has some speech."
Child physio writes: Child can move freely between a range of postions.

I don't think that extended breastfeeding causes developmental delays. If a child is provided with a range of activites then breastfeeding will come to a gradual end. There is no problem with a two year old breastfeeding provided they arent wanting to breastfeed to just relieve boredom. Children out grow breastfeeding

I would also say get a second opinion, this Doctor sounds like he is talking rubbish (and I didn't really co-sleep or bf beyond about 1).
Are you in the UK? If so go to your GP and ask for a referral to another paediatrician.

I went through pretty much all your DD did, with an abusive father to boot and a few other issues besides. I bf until 3 and co slept with my mum. I'm married, a qualified accountant and generally considered a well rounded individual. I'm sure the security my mum gave me as a tiny one balanced out the considerable traumas I went through.

I think with what she has been through co sleeping and feeding will have helped her. I agree with SLT referral for hearing issues as that sounds like a logical line. Did she have a hearing test as a newborn?

Taking her to groups if you don't already do so (sing and sign, baby sensory, play groups etc) might help her develop her interaction with unfamiliar adults and babies too.

Stay strong, you're a good mum, don't let anyone make you doubt that.

I can only echo penguinsarethepoint as well.

I'm not an expert but after a few years finding out more about this stuff than I ever wanted to know, (both kids had problems learning language) I believe that at 25 months, if you're not talking, it's because:
-you can't hear; or

• you struggle to listen; or

-you can't process what you hear; or

• you're not "getting the point" of communicating in a way appropriate to your age/can't read the signals; or
• you can't formulate a response; or
• your mouth muscles won't work as you wish when you try to talk.

And that the most common cause is .... you can't hear.
So you do right to home in on the hearing thing.

Never have I heard of "you're drinking breastmilk at night" as part of the circle of communication.

Gosh this has made me cross. Can you ditch him or will that mess up your relationship with the NHS? Can you talk to your doctor about this?

What everyone else said. I feel angry on your behalf about this.

I would ask for a second opinion. A professional opinion, not a personal opinion, from another child pyschologist.

My DS has ASD and co-slept, still does TBH half the time. IMO he was born autistic (noticed things from the off) and nothing I could have done as a parent would have changed that. If your DD does have ASD it won't be because of your parenting choices.

Are you in the UK? Has she been assessed by a paediatirician from the multi agency autism panel? A speech and language specialist?

Do not take his comments to heart.

I did not co-sleep or breastfeed, but I can tell you that that is a load of tripe.

Otherwise there would be thousands of children with developmental delays around UK.

Find a good speech and language therapist and get DD's hearing tested then you have a starting point. From there you can move on to any other (possible) issues.

My ds was very late to talk, never seemed to look at us or respond.

His hearing was checked; he was tentatively identified as on the autistic spectrum; was then diagnosed with a speech and language disorder.

We were told he would never manage in a mainstream school.

However, a few months later he started talking, laughing, really responding. This coincided with us moving house yet again, and his new GP REALLY listening to me. Ds had had many ear infections, and I was concerned that he could not hear (even though his hearing had been checked) and that it was always the same infection that never quite went away, so that he was constantly in pain. The old GPs had consistently refused to give antibiotics.

Anyway, lovely new GP gave us a strong, extended dose and ds was transformed. He didn't have an ear infection again for seven full years, and is consistently at the top of his year group at (manistream) school.

Worth a try??

OP this doctor sounds awful and reading this has made me really angry for you

I hope you can find some better support

I'm not an expert but it sounds like the "expert" is talking out of his arse a little ill-informed.

My DD is 22 months, was breastfed to 15 months, we still cosleep, and you can't get her to shut up and she understands requests and responds to/recognises her name.

I would try and find another psychologist if there is nothing wrong with her hearing.

Oh dear how grateful I am for so many quick responses! You are all so helpful. Thank goodness for MN.

I am a believer in attachment parenting too - though it was never my idea to BF so long and co-sleep either. It just happened that way and it's not bothering me (except BFing at night time, but only a sleep deprived BF mom can understand)

trixie thanks for the bed strategy suggestion. I'd like to give it a try, we need to update her cot anyway (taking too much space for too little use )

4madboys I was refered to a child psychologist by my GP, who thinks nothing is wrong with my DD but can't explain why she doesn't answer her name. When did your DS's talk (I mean first word...)?

Tortoise same question, when did your PhD DH say his first word? Was he pointing/responding to his name at 2? My MIL says DH didn't speak at all until 3 but he seemed to understand everything so she never got worried. I can't really be sure if DD understands me or my tone, but she is quite easily comforted if she's upset/throws a wobbly outside.

lingle extra thanks as you made me laugh with your "you're drinking breastmilk at night therefore you have speech delays"
very interesting what you said about causes of speech delays. Would the speech therapist the best person to address the non-hearing causes? or anyone else?

thanks so much everyone - its nice to hear I'm not the only one thinking I made (mostly) the right choices in my parenting style.

well I'm no expert (on co-sleeping, extended bf OR child development) but it sounds like a load of bollocks to me!

Definately get a second opinion. Hearing difficulties sounds like a very valid possibility.

Words fail me. He sounds like a loon.

Please get some better help, you have done a brilliant job and nothing wrong.

www.kathydettwyler.org/detsleepthrough.html

Your doctor is an eejit who has some sort of ishoos with co-sleeping and ebf.
He also seems to think you are as much of a fool as he is if he thinks you would find the whole separation thing believable.

(Wouldn't there be thousands of babies unable to communicate at 2.5 if this was the problem, after all?)

Take your business somewhere else. I suggest an allergist, in light of her milk and egg allergies. Read "Is This Your Child" by Doris Rapp, MD if you can get your hands on it.

I ebf'd all 5 of mine and never left them with any sort of babysitter until they were at least 3. If I had to go out anywhere the baby of the moment came with me. I had teenage babysitters for the older ones on the odd evening but going out meant bringing baby along. All were completely normal if not on the advanced side as far as speech and development goes. Oldest DD, who spent her first three years velcroed to me, will be graduating from university next summer.