Doc blaming our co-sleeping/extended breastfeeding for 2 yo DD's development issues... I need advice

[eskimomama]

Hello,

My DD is 2 (25 mo) and not speaking at all, not one word. She doesn't respond to her name and doesn't point much either (only in her peppa pig books).

Over the past few months I got awfully worried it could be ASD and managed to get refered to a child psychologist. We saw him in August and now again in November. Back in August he said he wasn't worried for ASD but told me I should try to stop breastfeeding at night (she's a bad sleeper) and also to stop co-sleeping.

We tried a few times but didn't manage, it was way too hard and me and DH were just shattered.

Now in November, nothing has changed. She has started nursery but only 1 hour per day so far as she finds it very hard to adapt. Getting better slowly though.

Her hearing is being checked later this week just to rule out hearing difficulties (she does look a lot at our lips when we talk, and touches our lips when she wants a song).

So today the child psychologist basically told me off for still co-sleeping and still breastfeeding at night when she wakes up. I KNOW it's not ideal but it just happened that way (she had bad eczema as a baby due to milk/egg allergies and woke up all the time scractching, only BFing would calm her down) We also moved around a lot (changed homes 4 times in one year, and overseas) and it might have affected her...who the hell knows.

I think its not very valid to blame co-sleeping and breastfeeding for her development issues... it sounds like a piece of old school advice. Most of my friends who have toddlers co-sleep with them somehow, and many moms do extended bfing too.

I don't think I'm overprotecting her that much.....?

The child psychologist thinks she never learned to separate herself from me (she's only been with me until 2, no baby sitter at all, no nursery until 2) and I should let her cry at night to help her understand she is an individual. He says starting nursery now isn't enough, the change should happen at home too.

I'm confused and not convinced, and if I'm not convinced how can I change things...

Thanks in advance for any shared experience!

Btw I did mention to him that I know loads of parents who co-sleep and do extended BFing and their kid didn't have any delays - he just said good for them, but maybe your DD is reacting differently...
I know she is extremely attached to me (although getting better) but never thought it would cause development issues. I was extremely attached to my mom myself and didnt develop any development issues.

Anyway he will refer me to a child psychiatrist who works with kids with different sorts of pathologies (including ASD) as he could see that I didn't approve his point of view. Hopefully we'll see him next month.

ps - I live in France now. Not sure how I can get refered to a good speech therapist, but I will investigate after the hearing test.

Rubbish ....... Breastfeeding helps the development of oral skills by strengthening facial muscles. My DS had glue ear and really couldn't hear a thing but speech was so good that actually his first teacher didn't actually believe he couldn't hear. I fed him until he was 3. Some children don't speak a word until they are older but I think as she is not speaking then you should get her hearing checked by the audiology team and then get referred to the speech and language therapist. Ensure you do lots of one to one play in good light with your face in veiw, speak clearly and don't shout.

A friend of mine said not one word until he was 3. His first utterance? "look Mummy, Concorde's in the sky". Absolutely true.
Richard Feynman (a true genius) did not speak until he was 3.
Check her hearing. Get a second opinion and don't go back to the original child psych.
Good luck

I breastfed DD until she was 2.5 yrs and co-slept (on and off) until she was 8 years old.

She's always been hugely chatty, social, confident and independent.

I think most research shows that attachment parenting tends to produce more secure, independent children, owing to the strong bond with their parent.

If I were you I'd definitely get a second opinion and if you do have to see the child psychologist again, ask him for peer-reviewed data to back up his useless twaddle facts.

If possible, can you get support from other sources ASAP - privately if you can afford it? IF ASD is suspected (and it could be other things so please don't panic), then early intervention is certainly the best form of 'treatment' so to speak - ABA for example is often very effective in children under three, the more intensive programme the better.

IME different children need different levels of parental imput/support. One of my friends (now a grown up, independent woman and mother of two) who was BF for 12 weeks and always in a cot wasn't happy to leave her mother even at primary school.
sounds like he has no experience of extended breastfeeding/cosleeping and so is blaming that.

Delusions won't just go away because you speak sense. You got a visceral response and from both barrels.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with a toddler who is extremely attached to mummy. The only way it might affect speech development is if the parent interprets all sorts of signs and the smallest peep from the toddler and responds without giving the child the chance to verbally ask for something or express a thought.

Have you ever tried baby signing?
How does she respond to music, can she clap or stamp her feet in time?
Do loud noises make any impression?

Is your family bilingual?

Agree with all the posters that this doctor is talking a load of bollocks.

However, you ask in your 2nd post what age most children say their first word, and I think that for most children it is before 18m. So of course you do need to follow up on that.

Love freckledleopards suggestion of asking for peer-reviewed research to back up any outlandish claims. I've found it works with most HCPs when they're spouting rubbish. Just say something like "That's contrary to what I've found when I've been looking - would you mind pointing me to the peer-reviewed research where it says that so I can ensure I have all the information I need."

Allergies can lead to all sorts of ear problems. I would look around for an allergist and an ear nose and throat doctor.

Some psychologists do have the opinion that children being too attached to their mothers is a bad thing - an opinion isn't a fact though. Unless he can very clearly explain why doing X makes Y happen I would treat it as an opinion.

What a load of bollocks.

Definitely look into the hearing aspects as others have suggested.

Is it typically French to assume the problem is between the ears and something to do with the mother, instead of in the ears and maybe to do with food? Or am I being uncharitable..

Get physical causes eliminated first before taking the psychiatrist route or you will get more of the same ill-informed opinions imo.

I studied psychology and researched communication skills in children for a few years. I have read a lot of the research out there and I can never remember coming across anything that even suggested cosleeping or breastfeeding has anything to do with communication problems. It really makes no sense at all. If you are forced to see this idiot again then ask him to give you links to or copies of the research that supports what he says. He won't have anything, I can guarantee it. In fact the only research he will be able to find are studies that ignoring the needs of your child affects their communication, and that is definitely something you are not doing.

Just wanted to let you know dd2 slept with us until she was about 3.5, I didn't return to work until she was 2.5 years and she spent all her time with me. She is a great talker, no problems at nursery and dotes on her baby sister (now 9 months) and the panic I had about that .

Like other posters have said, check her hearing, look at speech issues but don't beat yourself up over the fact that you co-sleep or are breast feeding.

Does she make any noise at all, and is your household bilingual?

I think generally bi-or multi-lingual children start speaking later. It could be (if she's making noises) that they're baby babble, but French rather than English baby talk (IYSWIM), so you may not pick up on it as her "speaking". (happened to my cousin's friend - her DS would make noises, but she didn't recognise the words so didn't think he was talking. His nursery teacher than said to her that he was talking a lot, only in French so she didn't pick up on it).

I'll ask him when he's next awake, OP! TBH I do think that what you're describing warrants investigation, that's unusually late to not have any words at all. But I don't think a psych is the way to go, since it's very likely to be a physical issue and that needs ruling out before ASD.

Last time I tried the 'could you point me to the research' line, I got 'well, it's all behind paywalls because really only qualified doctors are equipped to understand what they're reading and interpret it properly'.

I was a medico-legal lawyer at the time. I never saw that doctor again.

I don't have any advice really, as am no expert, but my son is 21 months and doesn't speak really. But he does make noises that I can understand, though they're quite indistinct. I'm not really worried, as I think it's mostly due to his brother talking for him, but my first instinct was to check his hearing. He definitely responds to his name, and will follow commands (when he's in the mood!) like 'can you bring me your shoes' or 'come into the kitchen for dinner'.

Does your daughter respond to noise? Will she respond to you when you talk to her? I think you need to get her hearing checked, and I can't believe no one has suggested that. As for the breastfeeding stuff - what a lot of rubbish! Carry on doing what you're doing.

Bilingual child here too, DS is roughly 6 months behind his peers from a speech perspective.
Does your DD make any noises at all?
Also, I wonder if the fact that your DH didn't talk until he was 3 has any meaning - if it's anything like bed-wetting then that could well be it!

thanks again everyone - wow, did I touch a sensitive topic?

We do live in a bilingual home - me French, DH English speaking. DD was born in London and we moved to France (closer to my family) when she was 13 mo. We think at that stage she was almost saying "cat" when she saw one. Then nothing at all, completely stopped.

Mathanxiety I don't think attachment parenting/EBF theories are very well supported here. I never thought I would have to fight my way about it though.

DD isn't afraid at all of loud noises, she doesn't seem to care much about them tbh (she will look at the sky though if a noisy plane flies above us, or behind her if a dog is barking). She looks A LOT at our lips though when we speak or sing (+ lots of eye contact all day long). She loves music and recognises her favourite tunes, but she isn't as excited about them as before, or maybe it's me expecting too much...
She LOVES when we sing nursery rhymes though (she will come to touch our lips when she wants us to sing one).
Not clapping/stamping in time though.

This child psychologist is very unlikely to be a medical doctor. Most likely PhD. If he insists on pursuing this line it may delay any investigation or intervention (if warranted) into the real problem behind your DD's speech delay. Can you get her seen by a paediatrician? They would be the best person to assess in a general sense what is going on.

Co sleeping is the norm in a lot of cultures. Turfing a child into their own room/bed at a very young age is very much a cultural hang up.

MsBrian DD makes lots of noises and sounds of all sorts.
My DH was born very premature and was never BFed, and never co-slept (opposite of DD), his family always thought he was a late talker because of prematurity/lack of contact for the first 3 months of his life. Now he's a typical chatty Irishman :)

Rumnoraisin I fully agree with that! I don't want to wait uselessly for months and months "just to see" if early intervention can help already. Otherwise the gap between her and other kids will be too big when she starts school (next September, they start school at 3 in France). And this will lead to other communication issues...

Please get a doctor to check her ears.
If she was making sounds and has stopped that is a worrying sign, but is much more linked to a hearing problem than anything else.
Being British I have never heard (even when studying psychology) of a child being too attached. Maybe if you visit the UK soon you could get a UK doctor to check her over, to get a different cultural perspective.

So the WHO recommendations of breastfeeing to the age of 2 are designed to halt the development of infant speech then?

what everybody else is saying: get her hearing checked first and then think about possible other areas?