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Original poster

I need hand-holding and advice. Apparently my 9 year old has serious behavioral difficulties.

53 replies

QuintessentialShadyHallows · 20/10/2011 17:44

I am gutted. I had a long conversation with his teacher today. He has only been in this school since the beginning of term. However, the teacher has told me that the problems are so bad now they are involving the special needs coordinator and head. 3 sets of parents have come in to see the teacher and complain that they dont want their child anywhere near my son. He swears at them, calls them names, and is generally unpleasant. He is getting into fights and arguments, lies that other children have said stuff first, and fighting.

We did have some issues in Norway, and I hoped moving from the school and the bullies there would help him. We have had so many conversations about how he behaves, how his behaviour is making him look, how he is unlikely to make friends if he continues, the consequences, etc. Yet not a day goes by without problems, it seems.

Today he sat down to eat lunch on his own. As he was looking rather sad, a boy in the year below came to sit with him, and asked my son how he was doing. My son proceeded to get up from the chair, lift the boy, and throw him down on the floor. Sad The boy was very upset and sad. The teacher was not happy to have to explain to the boys parents what had happened.

She said that she spent too much time trying to deal with my sons behavior, it is affecting the teaching.

What can we do? How are we going to get through to him?

Rewards are not working. Punishment and withdrawal of treats and privileges are not working. And clearly, explaining to him where he is going wrong and what he should do has NO effect at all.

We have been asked to support the school in sanctions they may impose on him. I dont feel I have any other option than to just let the school handle it as they see fit, because we have honestly tried for the last few years.

Funnily, at home he is a different person all together. Helpful, nice, kind, considerate, and shows great care for his brother. He is bright, works hard and enthusiastically with his homework, and helps in the house.

I just dont know what is going to happen next.

OP posts:
TethHearseEnd · 20/10/2011 17:49
Sad

What have the school said they will do?

Will he be put on a pastoral support plan? Are they going to refer him to the behavioural team? Is he on school action/school action plus?

BehindLockNumberNine · 20/10/2011 17:50

Oh Quint, I don't know what to say...

My only thought; if he is not like this at home, do you think the problems could stem from being at school? Perhaps he just cannot cope with teh concept of school - the structure, the routine, the enforced closeness with classmates with whom he does not feel comfortable, the lack of freedom?

Forgive me if I am talking twaddle, and am sure someone more knowledgeable will be along soon, but it is the only thing I can think of...

Georgimama · 20/10/2011 17:51

After DS's behaviour at school today I join you in despair, and he's only 4.

ajandjjmum · 20/10/2011 17:51

He's obviously got a problem that needs to be dealt with, but whilst you're going through the process, is Home Ed a possibility?

Maryz · 20/10/2011 17:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TethHearseEnd · 20/10/2011 18:22

I think if the school are as concerned as they seem to be, then you need to know not just what sanctions they will be taking, but what measures they will put into place to support him to improve his behaviour.

Maryz makes a very good point about not letting them make you punish him more at home; if his behaviour at home warrants a sanction, apply your usual one- if it does not, then it could well be counter-productive to apply a sanction for his behaviour at school.

Original poster
QuintessentialShadyHallows · 20/10/2011 18:39

We have come down really hard on him regards to his bad behaviour in school so far. My dh said we should be very careful so he does not feel so unloved everywhere that he ends up running away from home. He has told his brother that he would. It really upset ds2, who came running to us crying.

I agree that we need to be a supportive front at home, a safe haven, seeing as he is nice and well behaved at home. I suppose we should talk to him about what happened, but not punish.

My gut instinct is to just run away "back home". I have spent my last three days shivering to the bone as the house is so cold, and I feel I am at the very limit of how much problems I can manage.

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mummytime · 20/10/2011 19:20

I would be very wary of double punishing him. I would also want an educational psychologist assessment asap, which may well be what the school asks for as well. Try to give him sometime to talk to you and you to listen about what he is thinking and feeling.
I know this is hard, but you are an involved parent, and his behaviour maybe something he has learned. Do you really know how bad things were for him in Norway?

Good luck! (OH BTW the SEN boards here are a nice place to let off about this kind of behaviour, and pick up a few tips; and bad behaviour is an SEN in the UK.)

Original poster
QuintessentialShadyHallows · 20/10/2011 21:15

I feel so so sorry for him. Sad

In Norway the teachers did not get involved, and the kids were encouraged to sort things out between themselves. Then he comes here, and tries to do what he has always learnt, ie to deal with it himself. And he gets into trouble.

One girl in his class keeps calling him Ugly. So he called her ugly back. Of course, the girl runs to the teacher to complain, and he gets into trouble.

Today a boy strangled him to the ground, my son tried to fight back, and tried to defend himself, the boy accused him of taking his coat. My son got into trouble, and when my son explained to the teacher what had happened, the boy was nowhere to be found, so nothing happened to him.

We have been pretty angry with him for his behavior on two occasions last few weeks, and I am worried that he will feel so under pressure that he will find it even harder to behave.

My heart is breaking for him, and me, and I just dont know how best to help him.

He is so used to being picked on, and used to teachers not doing anything. And now he has the impression that they dont believe him, and that the other kids can do NO wrong.

OP posts:
Original poster
QuintessentialShadyHallows · 20/10/2011 21:17

Can they expel him?

OP posts:
TethHearseEnd · 20/10/2011 21:39

What have they said they will do?

They cannot exclude him at this stage, as there are certain strategies which must be exhausted before permanent exclusion (expulsion). If he did something very serious, they can permanently exclude- but at this stage it sounds unlikely.

What impression did you get from the teachers/school? Do they want to resolve the issue? What have they suggested?

You are in Richmond I believe? Sorry if I got that wrong... PM me if you don't want to say.

Original poster
QuintessentialShadyHallows · 20/10/2011 21:46

They have not mentioned expulsion at all. They want to work with us in resolving the issue, and is referring to the SN coordinator. My stomach is in knots with sadness and worry. I worry that the teacher has already decided my son is the culprit and the others are angels.

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smallwhitecat · 20/10/2011 21:49

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Message withdrawn

TethHearseEnd · 20/10/2011 22:09

OK, please try not to worry- the fact that they are referring him to the SENCo rather than using fixed term exclusions is very, very positive indeed.

The next stage will probably be an Educational psychologist's assessment, although this may not happen for a while, as the EP service where you are is apparently very stretched.

He should be put on School Action at this stage, which means that he should have an Individual Education plan (IEP) which details his strengths and needs and effective teaching strategies, along with some (termly) targets. You should be sent this to sign and approve.

When are you seeing them next?

activate · 20/10/2011 22:11

he sounds troubled and unhappy and a SEN assessment, and most probably an Ed Psych assessment is the best way forward.

He sounds like he has BESD which can be addressed appropriately

I don't know your story - is there much background to this - why have you moved countries? You say he was bullied in Norway, was it systematic?

Original poster
QuintessentialShadyHallows · 20/10/2011 22:39

What is BESD? I am not familiar with the term.

We moved to Norway for family reasons, it has been slightly traumatic over the last few years. We returned for work reasons, to be brief. The bullying was pretty systematic, I would say.

It was related to him not knowing the unspoken rules of play, to start with, and spiralled from there. Play is much more free in Norway, with very little adult intervention and supervision, with a lot of play acting and role play. He was not used to this. Now he says he does not know what he is expected to do, or how to play at breaktime here either. He told me the kids invited him to shoot targets, he did it incorrectly, they told him off, he asked for the rules, they said if he did not know the rules he could not play. SO afew days later they invite him to play ball again, remembering what happened last time, he said no he did not want to, and some teachers overheard, and he was told off for being rude and ungrateful. There is lots of stuff like this.

The senco is really good, and I do have faith in the school, it is a good school. I just hate the process, and I feel so sorry for him, for he is such a great boy at home. So lacking in confidence after the last few years, though.

OP posts:
Original poster
QuintessentialShadyHallows · 20/10/2011 22:40

Not until the second week after half term. But I would like to speak to the teacher sooner. I think it is important they know he has been expected to sort things himself with the other kids for the last 3 years, and also some background story.

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Maryz · 20/10/2011 23:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lesley33 · 21/10/2011 07:45

Are there out of school activities he could get involved in that would mean some mixing with other kids and would also help to build up his confidence? You know yourchild best so this might not be appropriate for him - but I wondered for example about a well run martial arts class where the rules are usually very explicit?

FrightNight · 21/10/2011 08:02

It sounds like basic lack of communication is at the root of your boys problems. I agree that that the SENCO's involvement is positive.

When I was at school if a new child joined our school they were assigned a buddy, essentially to show them the ropes and try to break through those unspoken codes that kids developbwhen they've known each other for ages. It was an honour for the buddy, and seemedcto help with integration for the new kids.

Could your school do the same, maybe with an older mre mature child in the buddy role?

Ironically I was buddy to a Norwegian girl, and learned loads about her culture.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 21/10/2011 08:10

Followed you from other thread. I think in this situation I would just cocoon my dhild - stay home for half-term, snuggle up, give him loads of love and make him feel as safe and secure as I could. It sounds like you already have a wonderful warm and loving home environment and he behaves totally appropriately there, so take him back into the fold, don't tell him off for anything at school, just concentrate on making you all feel secure. You've all been through a lot of change and adaptation is tough, so be kind to yourselves.

It can be tough out there negotiating the big wide world and maybe your son is finding it harder than others, and struggling between two cultures makes that harder still, but you will be able to help him, and the school will be able to help, and the fact you can explain so clearly the challenge he is facing moving from one style to another will help them to help him too. I am encouraged by the approach they are taking and by the fact they are onto solving it pretty rapidly - that bodes well I think.

It will all be OK. This is a learning thing for him, and you will learn how to help him too, and it will get better. You will be able to celebrate his progress and his victories over time, but for now, just reassure him of your love and support.

mummytime · 21/10/2011 08:21

BESD is Behavioural Emotional and Social difficulties.
Please don't worry about exclusion, there is a long process to get to that stage, which involves the school showing they have done all they can to help the child cope with the school environment (it usually takes months and months). The only way it can be speeded up is if the child does something serious (eg. set fire to the school, or drug dealing when older), even then most schools will make sure they cannot helpt the child first.
|I would insist on speaking to a teacher ASAP, and to explain the clash of cultures and the bullying.
If you want more local help there is an organisation called Parent Partnership in each LA, which can give you advice and other help (if you google it you will be able to get the contact number etc).

Now have a good half-term, and don't panic too much.

cory · 21/10/2011 09:12

I wouldn't punish him twice for anything that has happened at school. But I would welcome SENCO involvement.

It may be that his problems are stemming from his past experiences and if so, counselling might help him to cope: the school might be able to provide that. I know that counselling helped one of ds' friends who had gone through a very traumatic time and was consequently quite aggressive. A good counsellor might be able to teach him tricks to negotiate difficult situations.

It may also be that there is an underlying problem which has been covered up by the difficult situation/culture clash etc. IF so, he needs help even more. Again, that is something the SENCO and perhaps a school counsellor could help with.

Hullygully · 21/10/2011 09:21

Everything everyone else said.

And some hugs.

And agree, don't punish him at home, he sounds scared, confused and bewildered, he needs help to learn social behaviour, not punishment for not knowing it.

neolara · 21/10/2011 09:41

There's a very good book that might be worth looking at called The Unwritten Rules of Friendship. It gives lots of very practical ideas of things you and your ds can talk about and do at home in order to get on better with the other kids. It must be very confusing for him not understanding the "rules". This book might give him, and you, a clearer idea of how to make sense of things.