4 year old terrible behaviour affecting other children....Please help!

[Boogiebum]

My 4 year old daughter has just started school...the first two weeks she has been great but this last week she has been swearing and being disobedient towards the teachers. She has been through a lot this last 18 months with me and her dad splitting up and moving house and now starting school. She was at nursery before and her behavior was getting bad and they just put it down to her growing out of nursery and being ready for school.....

Today I went to pick her up from school and her headmistress and teacher asked to have a word with me. They told me that she had pulled down a boys pants and trousers and sat on him so he couldn't pull them up. Apparently the child was really distressed but she didn't stop when he was shouting for her to get off. They then brought up the fact that she had been swearing at school!!! I really don't know what to do, I am so embarrassed about the situation. I have tried talking to my daughter but she won't listen to me. She is so defiant and will not do as she told and just answers me back. I feel like a terrible mother and i really don't know what to do!

I have had 3 children, 2 are now grown up and I am a qualified montessori teacher with 10 yrs experience. My 3 children are all from divorced parents, and I know they have sometimes been awful, but we still have to check their bad behaviour and tell them its not acceptable. Likewise you DD has gone through a lot too, but we cannot always let them get away with bad behaviour.

You have to sit down and make her listen to you . Make it brief and tell her that you will NOT accept her bad behaviour at school; and she is not to answer you back. Make good eye contact, and make her look at you. Tell her not to answer back, and if she keeps on , tell her she will have to stay next to you for longer before she can go and play.

Also, tell her:
She is NOT to swear at anyone.. . .EVER.
She is not to touch other peoples clothing or pull them around.
If she doesnt do as she is told , then take her by the hand without being rough and make her do what you are asking of her. I physically take a child at 2-7 yrs and put them where you are asking them to go, etc.

Give her a firm verbal warning that is she doesnt do as she is told you will come up to her and make her, or you will take her favourite toys away, one by one for each occassion, or you will ban her from watching her favourite program etc etc. Carry thourhg what you have threatened, and be consistent. I.e. same rules and puncishments for same bad behaviour.
Praise the good and even praise when she is just sitting quietly or has done as you have asked.
Be firm, you are not a bad mother doing so you are being a good a parent , even if you feel like a horrible person. Dont let her tears and screaming make you buckle under and go weak. And when she shouts I hate you, she doesnt really hate YOU, She hates the fact that you are stopping her doing what she wants all the time.

She is only 4 yrs but she understands what you are saying and has the ability to obey your wishes/commands.

Good luck!