Health visitor made me cry it out

[broomformychin]

My dd is 12 weeks tomorrow and will only sleep in her sling during the day. I told my health visitor this, this morning and she said to try putting her in her Moses basket and if it doesn't work to give her a call. I rang her up and she came round and then said just leave her to cry and said I should go sit in the kitchen. She then just kept saying just leave her. My dd cried for an hour and a half until she fell asleep. The hv stayed until she fell asleep. I cried the whole time too and now I can't stop crying. I'm so ashamed and guilty, I should of just said that I don't want to and held my daughter but I can't seen to ever question anyone who is more important than me. I feel awful, I've never if left her to cry for a minute before. Is this going to do her permanent damage? I feel like i just abandoned her. My mum said just to lie when the hv start asking questions so that they don't start interfering, I just wish I'd of jut said no I don't want to let her cry.

OP can I suggest you beg/borrow or steal a copy of two books - "What Every Parent Needs To Know" by Margot Sunderland - excellent information on brain development and what baby's need in terms of love and cuddles etc and "Why Love Matters" by Sue Gerhardt.

And when you've read them and got what you need from them, invite your HV round and ram them down her throat suggest she borrows them!

In summary - little babies do not have the brain capacity to manipulate - if they are crying, it is because they need something from us - they need our help. Gradually, over time as they get older, you can start letting them wait a little - and because you've responded quickly in the past, they don't get too stressed because they know help is on the way, and sometimes they settle themselves back to sleep. Little babies consistently left to "cry it out" can overload on stress hormones which can be damaging, or worse - they learn not to cry because it doesn't summon help and then don't attach well with their primary care givers.

your baby will not suffer long-term damage because of what happened, and your baby will not suffer long term damage if today you leave her crying for a few minutes whilst you have a wee/make a cuppa etc

I hope you're feeling better - people like HVs offer advice but it's entirely up to you whether or not you follow it. Am a bit disturbed by the fact that it seems she forced you into this and stayed for an hour and a half - round here you're lucky to see one at all they are so thin on the ground!

I'll have a look at those books. I'm still angry at myself because I know cc and cio can be damaging from stuff I've read on mn before but I still just sat there sobbing instead of getting up and saying no. I won't be doing it again, looking at her face today she is covered in marks and scratches from failing her arms about yesterday so I imagine some of her cries were from pain which actually hurts my stomach to think about.

Also try 'The No Cry Sleep Solution' by Elisabeth Pantley. Very practical with suggestions and tips for all kinds of sleep issues and I think it will be right up your street.

Another vote for the "No Cry Sleep Solution" from me too. Much more up my street than CC.
Your DD will be fine and not damaged by one episode of being left "to cry it out". But you know it's definitely not right for you or your DD so chalk t down to experience and move on.
Still sad that a HV would think this "advice" appropriate.

Your HV sounds awful. She actually sat there listening to your daughter crying, and watching you cry? For an hour and a half? My god.

You have to just try and put it behind you. Your daughter is fine, you are fine. Just continue as you were before the stupid HV came along. Honestly.

Was this the same HV? She (or they) needs reporting. If people don't report them we will never weed out the useless/dangerous ones!! Please do that when you feel up to it.

There's no way such a small baby should be left to cry like that - it's terrible advice she's giving out :(

If you regret giving up BF but are still expressing why not just start feeding her again?

Hi there.
I just wanted to say you sound like a wonderful mother. We have all ben there, exasperated, exhausted, just willing them to sleep. At around 12 weeks I always found the worst part of the day was the evening...she would take ages to go down to sleep, but once down the nights were ok. The daytime naps will come. How is she in a rocker? Or in a pram on a walk? slings can be exhausting but it is better than nothing.

As for damage, do not worry. It was ONCE. She won't remember it tomorrow, and probably not after her next sleep! Please do report the hv,she sounds awful and destructive to any uncertain new mum....and aren't all new mums just that?!

All the best

When my DS(no1) was about 4 months old, the health visitor suggested I give him a weetablx!
Funnily enough, the same woman visited me the other day, 6 years on to see my DS(no3) who is 2...before she left she said "maybe give him a weetabix before bed".
Am thinking she might have some kind of shares in Weetabix....

I do think I am going to report her. I still keep thinking about how much dd was crying and it's still making me feel so guilty. I think it's the way the hv visitor went about it that's upsetting me too. She didn't actually say what she was doing. She just asked me to go into the kitchen and make a cup of tea. Then she came in while dd was still crying and told me just to leave her for a minute while I drank my tea. And basically just kept saying no not yet every time I asked if I should go in. I know I should have been stronger and just gone and picked dd up. Lots people do seem to have problems with their hv but I know there are some good one's. One of my sisters had a lovely hv.