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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Health visitor made me cry it out

84 replies

broomformychin · 05/10/2011 18:01

My dd is 12 weeks tomorrow and will only sleep in her sling during the day. I told my health visitor this, this morning and she said to try putting her in her Moses basket and if it doesn't work to give her a call. I rang her up and she came round and then said just leave her to cry and said I should go sit in the kitchen. She then just kept saying just leave her. My dd cried for an hour and a half until she fell asleep. The hv stayed until she fell asleep. I cried the whole time too and now I can't stop crying. I'm so ashamed and guilty, I should of just said that I don't want to and held my daughter but I can't seen to ever question anyone who is more important than me. I feel awful, I've never if left her to cry for a minute before. Is this going to do her permanent damage? I feel like i just abandoned her. My mum said just to lie when the hv start asking questions so that they don't start interfering, I just wish I'd of jut said no I don't want to let her cry.

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5littleducks · 05/10/2011 19:09

It sounds like she was trying to help you as you say you were quite upset this morning. She may have been misguided but I would just put it down to experience. It sounds like you are tired and need a rest. Can your mum or someone else give you a couple of hours off?

Is she sleeping at night ok in her moses basket? Do you do anything differently then?

I would second what flustered's HV told her - sometimes you have got to shower/go to the loo/eat and it is better to let the baby cry for a short period than not do these things and go insane.

5littleducks · 05/10/2011 19:12

Trust me, there is no way that your baby is holding a grudge against you!

I hope I don't offend you but you have said that you havent been able to stop crying, you were upset this morning at HV and now feel guilty because your DP will have a baby that doesn't want to sleep. It's completely normal to feel tired, frazzled and emotional but do you think that you might be depressed? You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about re your DP.

Original poster

broomformychin · 05/10/2011 19:22

We do a night time routine and put her down in her basket with a dummy and shush pat her to sleep can sometimes take a very very long time but usually works but it doesn't work during the day. No one to help at the moment, my mum works 90 hour weeks and dp's mum is in Australia visiting sil. And as ridiculous as it now sounds up until now I haven't trusted anyone else to look after her at all in case they left her to cry.

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Original poster

broomformychin · 05/10/2011 19:24

Hv also mentioned about pnd but I think I'm just tired tbh and really badly just want to be a good mum.

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TheSkiingGardener · 05/10/2011 19:27

That night time routine sounds great and will probably be the foundation of her getting into a good routine in time. She is only 12 weeks and has no idea that sleep is good for her, that you want her to sleep at certain times or that you need sleep.

She WILL smile at you again. She's miffed but will get over it with lots of hugs. Trust your instincts and let your inner tiger out at the HV if she tries to pull that crap again.

It does get easier, they do sleep better (with occasional blips) and you do get to rest again. It sounds like it's hard now but it really does sound like you''re a great Mum.

usingapseudonym · 05/10/2011 19:28

Hug. You sound like I was at 12 weeks too (also in laws in Australia!)

I think the HV was very wrong, BUT she is unlikely to remember it, just be a bit confused. Just give her plenty of hugs.

What sling are you using? Is it comfortable? Maybe try a different one if its a problem.

Did you say you were getting sleep at night? That in itself is an achievement. Honestly for the first few 6 months at least a decent nights sleep is rare :( It is such a shock to the system and tiredness does play havoc with how you feel.

If you feel you'd like some help then Home Start are an amazing charity and can come for about 2 hours once a week. Its not "just" for "poor" people or "at risk" or anything like that, in fact its aimed at normal families that for one reason or another are struggling. Ihave a HS worker as I am exhausted and pregnant wtih no 2 and no family support and having someone to chat to (Just another experienced mum but with some training) and to hold the child makes a hugedifference. Have a look at their website.

Thinking of you. It really really doesn't help when those you look to in authority suggest such stupid things.

Original poster

broomformychin · 05/10/2011 19:29

Thanks everyone for your supportive replies. I'm glad I can find some sense on mn

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5littleducks · 05/10/2011 19:29

You sound like a great mum

Not ridiculous re not trusting other people to look after her - I felt the same at that stage.

It is easier for babies (and all of us) to fall asleep at night because of the sleep hormones, so not surprising that it does not work during the day. I would just keep going with what you are doing at night and keep trying during the day but maybe set a time limit on it so you don't go crazy - like 20 mins?

Do you think she is maybe sleeping too much during the day?

Original poster

broomformychin · 05/10/2011 19:32

Thanks using I'll have a look at that website. I've got a baby bjorn at the moment and it's giving me neck ache! Any suggestions for a better one?

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WorrisomeHeart · 05/10/2011 19:32

You ARE a good mum. This is a hiccup but Is not your fault. 12 weeks is still so tiny that it's unlikely that shh pat will work consistently. Your dd is still getting used to the outside world, so is likely to stil need some help to fall asleep but will learn to settle. If you rock her does it help to her to sleep faster? The fact that she will only nap in the sling probably means she needs that closeness and movement to soothe her.
Good luck and ignore the HV!!

Original poster

broomformychin · 05/10/2011 19:35

Def not sleeping too much during the day littleducks even in the sling she won't sleep for longer than an hour.

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TheRealMBJ · 05/10/2011 19:36

Oh sweetheart . Your HV is crap (as are most IME) She should not be giving this sort of advice to anyone, and certainly should not be sitting in your home forcing you and your daugter to cry.

Sleeping in a sling or on you is absolutely fine and NORMAL. Trust your instincts, you are her mum and you are the expert in your baby.

Do lodge a complaint though, she should not be giving this advice.

dreamfeeder · 05/10/2011 19:36

broomformychin, you poor thing!!!!

My DD was mirror image of yours. Doing ok at night by 12 weeks (finally, she hated the moses basket with a passion, but things improved at 9 weeks when she went into her cot in her own room). ONLY slept in the sling in the day, or occasionally in the car. I used to walk her for up to 2 hours, twice a day... I was tired, but certainly shed my baby weight!!!

The night time routine WILL work, it just takes time. My friend rang me in delight to announce her 20 week old has just gone to sleep BY HIMSELF in his cot tonight, after a bedtime routine at a very set time (to fit in with her older DC) since the day he came home from hospital. Don't panic. I drove myself crazy worrying about it. BTW, DD is 12 months now, she goes to sleep by herself night and day in her cot. I walked her to sleep til 9 months (did progress to Ergo baby carrier on back) in afternoon as she'd only sleep in cot in morning for her nap, (from 7 months ish she'd nap in her cot in morning)...

Your HV is WRONG, you shouldn't be leaving a baby under 6 months to cry. The sleep centre in America who did all the resaerch say not til then. My HV told me not til then. Yours is an evil witch. Even though mine is sensible, I have avoided her like the plague since DD dropped 2 centiles on the growth chart and they made all kinds of fuss (she looked fine and was thriving in our opinion- and I'm a paediatric physio and DH a GP). Your DH is probably just worried about you. It will improve though. I met other mums at a baby group who walked ther babies to sleep, and sometimes we met up to do it together?? It certainly helps you feel less drudgey-chore about the whole thing?? wonder if thats an option for you? But don't listen to anyone who tells you if you're doing it now you ALWAYS will be. It panicked the hell out of me and wasn't true. I almost showed up as pnd on that silly questionnaire, i was so exhausted and feeling so low... I was just tired. It improved!! Send DH out with her in sling whenever possible, like at weekend, and put your feet up for a bit. Amazing what an hour's break does.

Chin up chuck, you're doing great, and many people can't do the leave-to-cry (especially me!!!)

TheSkiingGardener · 05/10/2011 19:37

See if your local NCT have a sling meet. There are loads of types which get far better reviews than the Baby Bjorn for long term use. At my local one you can borrow slings and try them out.

dreamfeeder · 05/10/2011 19:39

oh, and I shush-patted til the cows came home. NEVER worked for me!!! I boobed DD to sleep for a very, very long time. She stopped without a problem.

I can recommend an Ergo baby as being fantastically, amazingly more comfrtable than the BabyBjorn Active I was using, plus has baby in a better position, DD actually slept better in it. Pricey, but I'd say worth it.

TheRealMBJ · 05/10/2011 19:40

I have a Moby Wrap which I used constantly for the first 6 months with DS and am looking forward to using again for DD.

dreamfeeder · 05/10/2011 19:43

I hear good things about Boba baby carrier slings too (IMO very, very similar to the ergo, but the Ergo has a pocket you can fit small thing of wipes, nappy, keys, phone in-magic!), and someone on mn recommended me a huggababy ring sling (as I am worrying about using my Ergo with weight on waist band now I'm nearly 12 weeks pg with no.2)

I would say- if you look at Ergo's, beware e-bay. Any cheap ones- ie under about £75, if they're advertised as 'new' are fakes. I accidentally bought one thinking I had a bargain... Sent it back.

Love the thought of a sling sharing experience!!

mummynoseynora · 05/10/2011 19:43

moby all the way - amazing support wise and I never felt a thing even carrying my 7 month ds - very snuggly for them and more supportive too

Original poster

broomformychin · 05/10/2011 19:46

I think I will go to a sling meet, I know they have them at my local children's centre. She used to let me rock her to sleep but she won't do that anymore, she just wants to look around all the time. Feeling a bit better now dp's home and at least I know what I don't want to do. I wish I hadn't listened to hv 2 weeks ago when she said to switch from bf to ff because dd dropped a centile

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Moulesfrites · 05/10/2011 19:51

I would definitely complain - she bullied you into doing something you were not comfortable with. And she told you to stop bf?? Did she offer any alternative solutions to the problem to try before this? She sounds terrible!

You sound like a very loving caring mum but I think having a 12 week old makes everyone a bit vulnerable and unsure of everything. Go back to cuddling your baby

5inthebed · 05/10/2011 19:57

You poor thing, the HV sounds a right cow.

Trust your instincts, your DD is only 12 weeks old and if she will only sleep in the sling, then so be it.

DS1 wouldnt sleep anywhere other than on my until he was 4ish months old (when I went back to work), was knackering at times, but I loved it more often than not.

You are doing a great job :)

GreenMonkies · 05/10/2011 20:00

My favourite sling is the Huggababy, much nicer, and simpler, than those baby bjorn style carriers.

usingapseudonym · 05/10/2011 20:03

I used a mobi/kari me (same thing more or less, and cheapsecond hand on ebay) while our baby was little.

When she was a bit bigger we used an ergo. Its expensive but worth it and I used it until daughter was 2 (goes on back easily and husband happy carrying her in it as it looks like a backpack!).

We will do the same again this time - honestly the baby bjorns don't have a great name in the "sling world" as they don't support the baby as well and are a killer on the back if being ward for long periods of time or with anything other than a tin y baby.

There are some "sling meets" aroudn the country (but not many) but worth going to if there is one near you!

Dillydaydreaming · 05/10/2011 20:09

Oh how hideous!

As someone else said your DD will not be harmed by this one occasion.

But as a HV myself I am just that any HV could think this was giood practice.

WoTmania · 05/10/2011 20:14

She sounds awful. Your baby's behaviour is totally normal for a 12 week old. Our babies are meant to be close to us and need lots of contact. She sounds like a Truby King relic TBH.
Just out of curiosity with regards BF/FF are you totally FF now? You don't sound very happy with the choice. Relactation is possible (especially after only two weeks) and if you wanted info there are groups like La Leche League who can help and also have mothers who have great experience of 'fussy' babies and sling use.
Whatever you do you sound like a very caring mother, you wouldn't be so upset by today if you weren't.
FWIW DS1 never slept (ever) unless at the breast or being carrie din a sling upright. He's 5 now and hops off to bed quite happily and will sometimes go up far a snooze in the day if he's tired - they do get better!

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