Health visitor made me cry it out

[broomformychin]

My dd is 12 weeks tomorrow and will only sleep in her sling during the day. I told my health visitor this, this morning and she said to try putting her in her Moses basket and if it doesn't work to give her a call. I rang her up and she came round and then said just leave her to cry and said I should go sit in the kitchen. She then just kept saying just leave her. My dd cried for an hour and a half until she fell asleep. The hv stayed until she fell asleep. I cried the whole time too and now I can't stop crying. I'm so ashamed and guilty, I should of just said that I don't want to and held my daughter but I can't seen to ever question anyone who is more important than me. I feel awful, I've never if left her to cry for a minute before. Is this going to do her permanent damage? I feel like i just abandoned her. My mum said just to lie when the hv start asking questions so that they don't start interfering, I just wish I'd of jut said no I don't want to let her cry.

Oh OP, I've just cried a bit reading your posts. Not because any harm has been done to your daughter (it hasnt, promise) but because I know that feeling well, of obeying people in authority and then feeling like shit because you didnt do what you feel is right.

Learn from this - always follow your instincts. It is built into you to care for your daughter and you are a good mum.

Stupid HV. Some are great, some are terrible. Poor you

She's back to smiling and gurgling at me now am technically trying to get her sleep but am just so pleased she hasn't lost all faith in me. Re bf I still feel very guilty about giving up but it just got too hard to carry on, I'm still trying to express when I can and give her as much bm as possible.

Right. Now i'm really, really cross. Your hv told you to stop bf to ff as she dropped a centile?!?!?

I actually can't believe it, what utter sh*t.

As I said, my DD has done nothing but thrive, dropped from 50th to 20th centile (crossing not 1 but 2 lines, shock horror!!) but always looked well covered etc. A different HV who vaccinated DD and so saw her red book said her DD did exactly the same and she said the baby is fine, to avoid hassle, never EVER get her weighed again. So I didn't. At her 9 month check she was almost back to 50th centile where she'd started.

Seriously, official complaint. Don't worry. If you don't leave her to cry herself to sleep, you are NOT condemning yourself to a life of walking. I didn't :-) but i did an awful lot of slinging

Incidentally, my Ergo is borrowed, and from looking at another thread, I think I'll buy a Boba 3G for dc2....

if you stopped bf because you wanted to, thats fine. But maybe you could try La Leche league, or a bf support worker? I saw one, veryv practical help, was great. Much better than the mw, who did her best, but the bf lady was just brilliant

I remember DS becoming impossible to nap around 12 weeks (I remember because it was near Xmas and DH had time off work, still sticks with me now nearly 2 years later!). He'd only sleep in a sling or if I played music and danced him to sleep.

3, 4 and 5 months are quite rocky periods with sleep regressions etc. Plus around 12 weeks they become a lot more alert so harder to switch off.

Keep doing what works - sleep is more important than how you get there at this age!

This HV just gets worse!

I am horrified that she waited with you to make sure that you left her to cry it out. Awful bullying. But she will be ok and it won't have damaged her. She will still love you and feel your love for her from the cuddles you are giving her now.

Consider trying:

Walking her to sleep in the pram. At about 17 weeks I did this to 'fix' my son's nap. It took about a week of walking, then he woudl always have an early afternoon nap.

Another sling - Ergo, Connecta, Rose and Rebellion. Sorry, but Bjorns are awful on your back. I had one and never looked back once I had bought a Rose and Rebellion.

lullaby music - the CD 'Lullaby' on Amazon is fab, dark blue cover.

White noise - a de-tuned radio or something like Slumber Bear

Boucing her to sleep in a rocking chair

Patting her on your shoulder

Lying beside her and pretending to be asleep

If you want to relactate then it would be possible. Definitely possible. Call the BfN Supporterline on 0300 100 0210. It is open until 9.30pm every night.

Your HV sounds like a total witch (and a very weird person, frankly). Ignore her completely. It is SO hard at this stage with your first baby (I assume this is your first baby) because all the books tell you to 'trust your instincts', but you don't have any instincts (I didn't, anyway), so you end up thinking other people must know better. Thing is, they don't. You might not know your baby all that well yet, but nobody else knows her better. It is all just a learning experience. So my advice is, read lots of books if you're that way inclined, and ask people for their advice (because you might get good ideas that way), but don't implement any advice that feels wrong to you. Example - I'm sure crying it out does 'work', for some people at least, but I would never, ever want to do it because it's complete anathema to me - so I would never try it, regardless of whether it 'works'. No judgment on those who do - but I just wouldn't. (NB whatever your views on it, doing it just once is not going to harm your baby - she'll be absolutely fine)

FWIW neither of my boys slept during the day to start with - only ever 20 minutes here or there - though they were both ok at night from 4 months or so. Then, at about 8 months, they both suddenly 'got' daytime sleeping almost overnight (I didn't do anything differently), and they both slept like angels from then on. So don't give up hope!

Oh yes, forgot white noise. Worked wonders for DS1 (though did bugger all for DS2). We actually bought a CD of hoover noises etc. Probably the best fiver I ever spent.

Just saw above that you stopped because you dropped a centile?! Is that the case?! Thats nuts. Breastfed babies often drop in the first few months - its really really normal ....

So sorry you have been given suc bad advice OP

But no - your baby will not be harmed from one (or a few) incidents of crying, I am sure of it. Sometimes you have to do a long car journey and they cry in the back. I am of the opinion it is repeatedly being left to scream to sleep (aspart of a routine) which can cause any long term problems.

As for the bf - two weeks is not long, and it may be possible to slowly re-establish bf? If that's what you want to do. Either way, glad your happy, cuddly baby is back. I agree with everyone else, if you just need a shower or at the end of your tether, then your baby might cry for 10 minutes. Leaving your baby to cry for that long, while you sob downstairs, is just stupid. She needs sacking re-training.

Everyone seems to be jumping on this HV. But do stop consider for a moment that she has seen you and they have not. A HV is coming to see you with a 12 wk old baby is not part of the standard service. You have also said you can't stop crying. I think she is probably very concerned for the state of your health. Maybe she is thinking that a happy mummy (who has had some sleep) is better than a perfect one? You do need to look after yourself so you can look after your baby.

But smelli the OP isn't happy, because her baby isn't happy.

I will admit, I have no time for HVs. The want babies on formula and sleeping 12 hours so they can tick their mental boxes. Not all of them admittedly, but a significant majority it seems.

OP - trust your instincts here, and do what feels right. Your baby would still latch I am sure, so if you feel that giving her a feed is the right thing to do and would be soothing for you both then do it.

I take your point, Smelli - maybe the HV was well-meaning - but the OP doesn't sound like the experience made her any happier!!

OP, I just also wanted to say that most parents I know (including me) have found the 12 week mark quite a turning point - things really do start to get better after that, and you begin to emerge from the utter hell challenge that is life with a newborn. So hopefully you will start to find things easier soon .

Big hugs. Hope you have a good night.

I have no problem with HVs telling new mums their babies won't spontaneously combust if they are left to cry for a short while (mine did ).But to stop a mum going to her crying baby is cruel and does not achieve anything. After an hour and a half I doubt the OP pulled out her ear plugs and said "oh goody, that noise has stopped". Since then she feels ashamed, guilty, can't stop crying and is worried that her baby hasn't forgven her. Doesn't seem like progress to me.

If she had 90 mins to spare and wanted to help maybe she could ahve offered to take the baby for a walk or just cuddle her while the OP slept, or just got on with whatever task is at the top of her to-do-with-both-hands list.

Hello! What a horrible story - even if the HV had your interests at heart (as smelli suggests) it's a crap way of convincing you to try other ways of getting your baby to sleep. Some controlling well-meaning people in my life convinced me to leave ds2 to cry and I hated it, but didn't have the confidence to tell em to sod off until one night he cried till he vomited. Took me far too long to realise we have instincts for a reason. (I had a didymos sling btw and it was so comfortable I could carry ds2 in it till he was 2.5. Loved that sling. Love the memory of him sleeping so close).

Thanks everyone for your reassurance yesterday. DD is currently sound asleep in her sling. I keep thinking about all the things the hv said yesterday 'you've got to be cruel to be kind' 'life isn't fair you have to teach her that' and I've decided that it's important for her health to get enough sleep and while she's so tiny if that means always being in her sling then that's what I have to do, I'm her mum and I need to make sure I look after her properly. Off to search new slings on the Internet

Your HV is a loon. A child does need to learn that life isn't fair but not at 12 weeks.

You really do sound lovely. what a lucky baby.
''you've got to be cruel to be kind' 'life isn't fair you have to teach her that' FFS she's got plenty of time to learn all that as she's growing up. Right now she needs the comfort and security of her lovely mummy

Sorry you got that advice and you were effectively forced to do something you didn't want. My HV (and GP actually) suggested controlled crying for my 5 week old DD as she would only nap in my arms or a moving pram. I saw a sleep consultant when DD was nearly 3 months and she also suggested controlled crying and explained to me that as a parent you have to learn to say no to your children and that is what I would be doing with controlled crying. I burst into tears at the thought.

Blimey, what kind of childhood did the hv have if these are the lessons she thinks a baby needs to be taught? Got to wonder... Happy sling-hunting & I hope you get a baby-friendly rest soon.

Glad you've had a chance to think things through. As a HV myself I stand by what I posted yesterday regarding being shocked about this advice.

I have done visits for babies who cry a great deal, often there is an underlying reason and once that is identified things improve. I tend to visit to support the Mum who is often pulling her hair out. On occasions I am even able to walk round and comfort a baby while a Mum has a much wanted shower and hair wash! It's just a little break to do something for herself.

Absolutely NO WAY would I tell anyone to put the baby down and let them "cry it out".

Then again I could never do controlled crying with my own DS.

I do think the hv was trying to help really but I think she's just very old school. It's my own fault for not saying no it's not for me I'm just terrible at confrontations.

life isn't fair you have to teach her that - a hard lesson for a 3 month old!!!

Actually, what a baby needs to learn in the first 6 months is that Mummy (or another consistent care giver) is always there and will always respond to her needs. This will give her the confidence and trust to enable her to be left for slightly longer as she grows.

Consistently leaving such a tiny baby to cry will result in a far less confident, and far more clingy baby later. So your HV is completely wrong, and as a HCP, should brush up on current thinking, and not be excused by being 'old school'.

We wouldn't accept old school medical practices a la Horrible Histories for us, would we?

So carry on with your sling and cuddles, and before you know it you will have a happy, confident toddler, who will be hard to catch for cuddles......

Ha! witches. I am crap at confrontations too.