11 year old problem for his mum

[stepmumbarb]

i have an eleven year old stepson who is an angel when he is with me and his dad, but a complete nightmare when he is with his mum. i would really appreciate some advise.

We have our usual grumbles that can be easily dealt with but when he is with his mum he is very verbally aggressive, insulting and she gets very upset. It has got to the stage where we may need to have him stay with us for a while.

I have been with their dad for 8 years and have a great relationship with them. They spend half their time with us (every second weekend and every Monday and Tuesday). I am able to communicate with him and he will talk to me. We have our discussions about whats going on but then he goes back and acts worse. His mum and dad and myself have a good relationship, but Js behavior is driving everyone mad...

I have had 3 children and my youngest is now 11 yrs. The only advice i can give is that his mother needs to change her behaviour...

She must become more strict, pull in the boundaries, be firmer and dont let him get away with any rudeness.

For every crime there must be a punishment (as it were).
You could also try talking to your step son when he is in a good calm mood and say that you will not tolerate him behaving in this awful way towards his own mother. If you want to support his mum then perhaps you can ask her what if anything you can do to help. Maybe ask her is she wants top tell you when he has been terrible and you can then back her up with any punishments that must be carried out. for instance, if he is rude to her just before he arrives with you and dad for example and you hear about it then perhaps you and dad can tell him off, not allow him the TV or whatever it was he enjoys etc.
He must know (shd be told) how his bad behaviour upsets his mum, and he shd be told how much she loves him and wants him to turn out to be a nice decent polite person.
I do understand how being the single mother, and your kids going off to dad and coming back , you can end up being their 'punch bag' who they can off load onto, and get all their anger out on. I have had this with all my 3 children , and its very hurtful, especially when they are so good for their dad...

Would it work if "consequences" for bad behaviour were agreed between Mum & Dad and carried over to both homes, so if the consequence for x is 5 days without TV or internet that comes over with him to your house?

I'm not sure if that would enforce a possible idea that J thinks his mum doesn't have control though

My thinking would be that J would know that you do not tolerate this behaviour from him regardless of who is living with at that point in time.